Worship and Waiting

This Blessed Season

2012-01-23T23:02:00.003-06:00

Student teaching continues to go well, and I'm learning more each day. Today as I was getting ready for school, my cooperating teacher texted me and said she was feeling poorly. She had called the principal of the high school, and they both agreed that I was perfectly able to handle the classes by myself today. So today was my first official day to sub all day long. It went pretty well. I had one student who, when he found out his work was not due until the next day, decided he didn't want to work on it in class. Well, we fixed that problem pretty quickly, and he ended up doing his work.

I found out later from one of the other teachers that some of the boys didn't like me. I told her that was fine. I'm not there to win a popularity contest. One thing I'm glad the education department instills in soon-to-be teachers is that we are not there to be the students' friends. I have friends who are my age. I don't need thirteen-year-old friends.

One thing I am enjoying about student teaching is that I am able to see how unique of a role teaching really is. The view I have now is not one I was able to see when I was a student. Even as a college student, one can't really see it. The school I'm in right now has a very low socioeconomic status, as I think I've mentioned in a previous post. Most of these students have to take on roles that parents should take on, but because of certain living arrangements and life circumstances, these students have no choice. A lot of these students have gone through things at sixteen years old that I will never experience in my life. It has really been an eye-opener.

One thing that I hope not to forget was something I was told before students ever came the first day of school. I was told that these students do not respond well to yelling. No one really does, but these students especially do not. They get so much of that at home, and when they hear it at school, they just shut off. So I am able to watch the students, watch how they interact, how they talk, how they learn to communicate and develop life skills. I watch the teacher I work with and notice how she uses calm logic to get her point across. I'm beginning to realize how unique this role of teacher is.

I get to take on a role that is different from any other adult role in these students' lives. I have the privilege to teach students about English and why it's so wonderful, but I also get to teach them about how to be good people and develop skills to do simple things like carry on a conversation or present their opinions in a proper way. I'm not these students' parent or a babysitter. I get to advise them, guide them, and help them with English but maybe about life in general as well.

I know I have so much to learn, but I hope that one day students will know that my classroom is a safe environment, that they can come to English and know that life is going to be okay. They may not be able to get away with whatever they want, but they will have structure, consistency, a firm hand, and love. Always love. That love may take different forms at times, but I hope I can begin to teach and think about how Jesus would teach, especially these students and in this type of school.

On a different note, my roommate and I have come to a conclusion, at least we hope we're getting close to this conclusion, that we want to begin looking pretty steadily for a place to live around the middle of March, maybe before, and that we would love to be moved out and beginning to get settled by the beginning of May. The family we live with is hoping to move by then as well, so we hope it will work out that we can move around then. Of course, us getting a place together is contingent upon where I get a job in the fall, but we know the Lord has a plan.

It seems crazy to think that in four months, I will no longer be a college student. I will be a graduate of Southwest Baptist University with a bachelor's degree in Secondary English Education. As a freshman in college, one thinks this time will never come. For a while, you just kind of think you'll be a college student forever. And then you begin student teaching and you realize the real world is just around the corner. But I'm excited for what the real world will bring. I'm excited to be able to start new and build new relationships and meet new people. And I'm excited to be making some money. However modest that income will be, it will be more than what I've made as a college student. And that's the goal right?

I cannot begin to describe the ways God has blessed me so far this semester, and it's only the fourth week back. On my first day of student teaching, I came home in tears because I was overwhelmed and stressed and thought I was going to fail. But now I know I'm going to make it. It's been an odd transition, but it's been good.

Well, I feel like I've written the start of a book, so I'm going to call it quits for tonight.

Until next time,
God Bless

Student Teaching

2012-01-12T20:32:00.002-06:00

The spring 2012 semester has started, and so far, it has been pretty good.

I've been in the classroom for two weeks now, and they have been two full weeks of learning and lesson-planning. My cooperating teacher is wonderful; I have learned so much from her. She is only about three years older than me, so it's very easy to relate to her. We have very similar personalities, so that makes working together nice as well.

The teacher I'm with teaches juniors, seniors, seventh grade, and eighth grade all in one day. She started me with the juniors this past Monday, and I have taught them all this week. They have participated and done very well in class so far, so I hope that continues through the semester. We do not have school on Monday due to Martin Luther King Jr. Day, but I will start teaching the seniors on Tuesday. Right now I'm teaching The Great Gatsby to the juniors, and I will start The Scarlet Letter with the seniors. My teacher has never taught The Great Gatsby, so I'm writing all the curriculum for the unit, including quizzes and the final test. Lesson-planning is going well. It's very different than just writing lesson plans for college classes. These are the real deal.

The school I'm student-teaching in is so different than where I went to high school. The socioeconomic level is so much lower, and most of the kids really have no support system at home. Before I went home for Christmas break, I went to the school to meet the teacher I'd be working with. I was able to see just a taste of what it would be like from that one visit. But never could I imagine the things I've seen and stories I've heard. It breaks my heart. My mom made mention over break that maybe this school is my mission field. I've prayed about going overseas and teaching for so long, but maybe what I've been waiting for has been right under my nose all along.

An added bonus is that the teacher I'm with is almost thirty weeks pregnant, so around March, I'll be taking over the classroom full time. That means I will get the pay of a long-term sub while student-teaching which is amazing because right now I do not have a job, even though student-teaching feels like a job.

It's so very different being a teacher. I like it though. I've met almost all the teachers in the high school, and because the school is so small, I know a lot of the students' names as well. And some of the students are learning my name, so that's a good sign.

Before I came back from break, I was dreading student-teaching. Now, I know God has me right where I am for a reason. He is good. As always, He knows what He's doing. Now, if I can only figure out all the details of grading, lesson-planning, loving and disciplining, and teaching, well, I'll have it made. But that may take a lifetime to figure out.

So yes, these first two weeks have been so good. I have enjoyed far more than I thought I would. I will try to keep you updated as the semester progresses. I'm sure I will have some fun stories to share.

Until next time,
God Bless

Oh Christmas

2011-12-14T23:57:00.003-06:00

I've always wondered what it would be like to have a boyfriend during Christmastime. If you had talked to me about two and a half months ago, I was pretty certain I was going to be in a relationship at this time. I was excited about the sweet text messages I knew I'd get, the fun times we would have walking about in the cold weather, and just the sweetness of being "in love" during this jolly time of year.

Well, over the course of this semester, that plan did not fall into play the way I had imagined. My plan, as my plans usually do, unraveled in quite an ugly fashion. To make a very long and detailed story short and to the point, I am once again single during Christmastime. But this year, I'm so glad I'm single.

I look back on this semester and look at the various instances of where I could have been hurt so much more than what I was, but in those instances, the Lord protected me, that protection reaching far into the future. I had no idea that two months after that dreadful night where I heard and saw my plan unravel that the Lord would still be protecting me. But he is.

When I returned from camp earlier this summer, I told a lot of people that I learned a lot about trust. I feel like that is one thing the Lord has drilled into me over the station of many, many years. But I also feel like he has never drilled so precisely and so finely as he has this semester. And I know that this drilling will not soon be over.

When most people think about Christmas, they think of the words, "gifts," "wrapping paper," "money," "cookies," "Santa," "elves," and "tinsel." This year those words have floated through my brain as I've made some presents and had to buy the bags in which to put those presents, but other words have been bouncing around my brain, words like "thankful," "joy," "rejoice," "family," "friends," "love," "Jesus," "peace," and "praise." I know that because of this semester, this Christmas means more to me than it would have had none of these events taken place.

A part of me wanted to be able to be with this guy and talk with him and see him and spend time enjoying Christmas with him. Well, that was what I wanted back in October, not anymore. Now, I'm content with my present circumstances. No, I don't have a handsome man waiting for me back home to sweep me up in his arms and with whom I can enjoy Christmas. But I have two handsome men, my brother and Dad, who will be waiting to welcome me home with love and laughter, men who I know love me. I have a wonderful mother who I know I will enjoy laughing with so much more than almost anyone else.

The Lord has taught me so much this semester. He has taught me not to settle, in my standards for myself or for the man he has for me. He has taught me that he cares for ever single, minute detail of my life. And he has taught me to hope that however bleak my prospects may look, that he does indeed have a man that he has been preparing especially for me. And in the Lord's perfect timing, I will wait for that man.

I've never been so thankful for the Lord as I am right now. I've never seen or felt him so clearly in my life. During this break, I am going to enjoy all that I can and relish in still feeling like somewhat of a college student. I begin student-teaching in January, and after meeting my cooperating teacher on Tuesday and seeing the school, I'm a little overwhelmed. I know it will be good, but I also know that next semester holds a multitude of changes that I am nowhere ready for. Like I said, this trust drilling keeps digging deeper.

I love Christmas. I love what it means, and I love that over two thousand years ago a young, scared woman heard the call of God on her life and brought our Savior into the world. My king, my love, my protector was brought into this world as a tiny, helpless baby. However, in that moment, he was the most powerful being ever.

I am full of joy this Christmas, and I hope you are too.

Until next time,
God Bless

Drawing to an End

2011-12-09T00:25:00.002-06:00

This semester is finally winding down. I can't believe that this time next week I'll have two finals left, and then I'll be done with the majority of my classes. I'll begin student-teaching in January, and then I'll start learning about what it means to be a grown-up, live a little in the real world without really being on my own yet.

This past week, I help put out the final edition of the student newspaper for the semester, my last issue ever. I served on staff for two and a half years, and now it's finally over. I have also volunteered at the crisis pregnancy center since my freshman year, and I served my last day on Wednesday. I went to what was probably my last chapel on Wednesday as well. I think the kicker was getting a notice that intent to graduate cards are due February 2012. Intent to graduate. I'm graduating in May 2012. Four years ago, that date sounded so far away, so far into the future that I had nothing about which to worry. I wish someone would have told me to enjoy my first three years of college and not wish them away. I had no idea these years would flash by so quickly. I graduate in five and a half months.

I am excited about what will come after graduation. I go back and forth between nervous and excited, but most days I'm excited. I know the Lord has a plan, and I find myself resting on that assurance daily. I told the Lord a long time ago I would go wherever he wanted me to go. I guess I'm just waiting for him to show me where that is and trusting that he will show me in his timing.

Next semester will hold adventures for me I have never experienced. It seems odd but wonderful that this is my last real finals week that I'm approaching. Next semester, I'll have finals in the middle of the semester and get done with them sooner.

I am happy to say that I figured out today that I won't really have to study very much for my finals. I have two written finals and one final where I'll just go and meet with the professor. The other two are exams, but in one I only need to score eleven points out of fifty to keep an A in the class, and in the other I need to make a 62% to keep an A in the class. Next week is going to be a breeze.

So, this is just a little update of what's been going on. About the last few entries I've posted, God has been wonderful to heal my heart and show me his goodness and sovereignty in all of this. Time has helped. I think about it less and less and find myself happier and more joyful. I can only credit that to God. He is so good to me, and I praise him for that.

So only about ten more days, and then I'll be home for break. It will be a shorter break than I'm used to, but then again nothing has been what I'm used to lately. Things are changing, and that's okay. Transition happens, and it will keep happening for the rest of my life. I might as well get used to it now.

Hopefully, I'll be able to post again before Christmas.

If I do not, I pray you have a wonderfully, merry Christmas and a stupendous New Year.

Until next time,
God Bless

P.S. As of December 4, I am now a licensed Zumba instructor. Yay!

My Lord. Promises. Thankful.

2011-11-23T16:29:00.003-06:00

Many moments happen in a life where one thinks he or she knows exactly what is going to come next. In the moment of whatever is happening, they know nothing can ruin it. Be that a prosperous job, an education, or a friendship, nothing could ever stop it. However, no one knows the absolute future except God. People can guess at what might happen or be even 99.9 percent sure, but no one ever without-a-doubt knows.

I'm learning this the hard way. About a month and a half ago, I was convinced that I would be in a relationship right now. I went on a couple of dates with a guy, and I was convinced that our week together would lead to more time spent time together. And then things changed. I found out a relationship between us was not going to happen. So I had to erase all the plans I had made for us. Yes, I planned things. Guilty. I'm a woman. Women do this.

I look back on the time we spent together and sometimes wonder, "Why?". I know God had a purpose for it, but I wonder why he allowed it to happen when, on this side of it, I've seen nothing good come from it. Yes, I was able to spend time with an awesome person, but I grew attached to that person for no reason. Maybe someday I'll see and understand that reason, but right now, I do not.

If I had seen the future of what would happen between that person and me before any of it happened, I probably would have never gone to coffee with him in the first place. Yes, I would have missed out on a week of fun, but I would have saved myself from about a month and a half of grief (not including what is to come).

I have all these "if's" that keep popping up in my mind. If I hadn't done this . . . If I hadn't said this . . . If I had only said this . . .

But for every "if," God gives me a promise. "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'" "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." "The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still." "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart, I have overcome the world."

I have been resting on these promises and others to battle the lies and the "if's" the enemy keeps hurling my way. This has not been a fun month and a half, but I am thankful for my roommate and my family who have walked through this with me. All my tears, my ramblings, my questions, my complaints, my sighs, my frustration--they've dealt with it all.

But I'm thankful for my Lord. Even though he allowed this to come into my life and even though I've lost sleep over it and wasted many tears over it, I know--and I've said it once, and I'll say it again--he let it happen for a reason. I may not discover that reason for many months or years, but I'll keep trusting my Lord until I do. I will also keep trusting him to be my first love, to fill me and satisfy me before anyone or anything else.

So yes, I am thankful. I may not be dancing on the rooftop or writing a message in the sky, but in my heart, I am thankful.

Until next time,
God Bless and Happy Thanksgiving

Trusting Him with the Intangible

2011-11-06T23:08:00.003-06:00

About a month ago, I went through something I had never experienced. It didn't last very long, and I wasn't emotionally scarred; nothing detrimental happened. It was just one of those bumps that happen in the road, and I had to learn how to deal with it.

Over the last month, I've been discovering what that looks like. It hasn't been the most fun. From that experience, dozens of emotions have bubbled to the surface, and I'm here wondering from where they came. They are not familiar, and I don't want them, but they are still there.

I've been hashing this out with my roommate, asking her why I still feel certain things when I don't want to feel them. Why, when I ask God to take away certain feelings, do they still persist?

Her answer was that maybe God still lets me feel certain things so I will trust him more. "How else will you learn from this?" she asks me.

I know she's right. It's hard, but I know it's true.

Which leads me to my next question: how do I trust the Lord with something that I can't physically touch or see or will never touch or see? How do I trust the Lord with something that is inside of me? And all those Biblical scholars say, "Well, come on silly, if you can trust an intangible God, why can't you entrust intangible things to him?"

My answer would be, "Well, because I'm human."

So many times I trust the Lord with circumstances outside me: school, the future, car problems, money, job, friends, and the like. And yes from time to time, things in my heart bring me to the Lord, but I've never had this inner turmoil, if you will, that I do now. It's like one minute, I'll be fine, and then the next minute, I'm in tears.

And I keep praying that the Lord would take away these feelings if I'm not supposed to have them. But they're still here. Even after a month, they're still here. My roommate says it's just going to take time, that I need to patient. And I know that's true.

God could take away these feelings in an instant, and that would be so easy and so convenient. But where does the Bible say our journey is supposed to be easy and convenient? If you find that, let me know. I know the Bible does say, "Cast your cares upon him," and "His burden is easy and his yolk is light," but the Lord is doing the carrying for us. And sometimes even with the Lord carrying our burdens and giving us rest, hardship still comes.

This is something new for me. And maybe it's taken me this long and will take longer to be done with these feelings because it's the first time this has happened. But I know my sweet roommate is right. How is God going to grow me and make me stronger except by making me trust him with this, something totally new and different?

So I'm learning to trust him in a new way, again. I'm trusting him with something I can't touch or will never see. It is inside of me, buried away where only he can get to it, guard it, and then someday hopefully, someday soon, remove it.

It's hard, and sometimes crying is the only thing I can do to relieve my frustration and impatience, that and praying. But I know I am not alone.

Earlier in the semester, I was worried about a lot of things, and then one day I was in the bathroom getting ready, and these four words came to me: "No worry. Only hope." My roommate and I keep dry erase markers in our room, and we frequently write scripture and encouraging sayings on the mirror in the bathroom because we see that mirror a lot. I wrote those four words on our bathroom mirror, and they are a constant reminder to me of the truth and goodness of God. I know those four words came from the Lord, and they have been such a constant for me this semester. And so they are now as well.

All of these musings have been in my head for the past couple of weeks. I guess I've only recently been able to put into words what all these musings mean, and I know I don't understand things completely. But someday, I'll look back on this beautiful mess and see the purpose behind it.

No worry. Only hope.

Until next time,
God Bless

"Crazy, Stupid, Love"

2011-10-31T21:14:00.003-05:00

My roommate and I saw the movie "Crazy, Stupid, Love" last Friday night in a little theater that shows movies after they've already hit the big screen for the first time. We decided to see it on a whim, and I don't think either of us had read any reviews on the movie. We had both just heard it was funny. So we settled into the theater and waited for it to begin.

Before I begin with giving my thoughts about the movie, I will tell you this may contain some spoilers. The movie begins with a husband and wife sitting down to eat dinner in a restaurant. They both look uncomfortable as they try to order what they want. The husband asks the wife what she wants, and she looks up at her husband and says she wants a divorce. The husband is shell-shocked, not expecting that confession, especially in a public restaurant. The scene then flashes to a bar/night club when a very handsome, well-to-do twenty-something man approaches two young ladies sitting at a table in the club. The man comes on to one of the women, but wisely, she says she has to go and leaves the club.

What made me a little upset about the movie was when it started to devalue marriage. The man, whose name is Hal, shows up at work and his coworkers hear him crying in the bathroom. They think he might have cancer, but when they find out why he was crying, they all breathe a sigh of relief that "it's just a divorce." This upset me because many people in this society believe that marriage does not mean anything anymore. Movies like this are a prime example of why marriage does not mean as much in the eyes of the world as it should. Marriage is a union set up by God to be a reflection of Christ and the church. Movies like "Crazy, Stupid, Love" tell the audience that divorce is not that big of a deal when really divorce is one of the ugliest things known to man. It tears up families, friendships, love, relationships, and God hates it.

Throughout this movie, themes of infidelity, adultery, lust, and promiscuity echo in almost every scene. Some of this can be looked at for the audience to "learn a lesson" from. But why do these lessons have to be indirect, basically saying, "Don't do what you see in this movie." Why can't movies be made that are still funny but encourage moral themes? We wonder why society as a whole is going down the drain. Look at what we're watching and spending out time putting inside our brains.

What also makes this movie sad is that, of course, Hollywood has to make it funny. I will admit, I laughed quite a bit in the movie. The whole audience laughed a lot. And I hate leaving a movie thinking, "Well, that was funny, but it was horrible." And I think the topper on the cake that made the movie horrible was something that happened in the last scene. In the movie, a seventeen-year-old girl takes pictures of herself in the nude for a reason I will not name. But at the end of the movie, she gives the pictures to a thirteen-year-old boy who has a crush on her. Peachy, right? I was livid when I saw this. Right now, in this nation and around the world, pornography is a sickness in the lives of so many men, women too, but mainly men. Pornography wrecks the lives of so many individuals, families, homes, marriages, and men who are supposed to be leaders but who are brought down by this awful addiction.

And what did this crazy, stupid movie do? It practically encouraged it, condoned it. It basically told anyone watching, "Well, this thirteen-year-old boy can't date this seventeen-year-old girl yet, but she can give him pictures of herself in the nude for him to enjoy until he is old enough to date her." What the movie doesn't show was how horribly corrupt this boy will be before he is even old enough to date her.

So, yeah, if you're looking for a movie that will counter every moral belief you've ever held dear, this is the movie for you. Yes, in a way, it kind of has a happy ending, but overall, I would never recommend this movie to anyone. I know plenty of movies that are good, clean, and funny and still uphold what I believe. But if you're looking for a movie that will upset you and frustrate you as it has me, leaving you angry with Hollywood, then yep, this is the crazy, stupid movie that will do it.

I hope love never becomes crazy and stupid. I hope love always remains holy and pure as God intended it to be, something not to be corrupted, especially by Hollywood's cheap attempts. Lessons learned: 1. read reviews before watching a movie and 2. God created love in a way that is sacred, and it only comes from him. Thank goodness, because the love that was portrayed in that movie is nothing I want.

Still Thankful

2011-10-10T10:37:00.003-05:00

Just a week ago I posted "Seasons." I mentioned in that post that God has put me in this particular season for a reason. Little did I know how quickly I would come to understand and feel the full weight of those words.

This past week has kind of been a whirlwind for me, a whirlwind of emotions and experiences, some good, some not so good. I know, though, beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Lord was with me and protected me through every moment of it. Sometimes the Lord puts things in our paths that grow us and make us stronger, even if that means letting us experience a little bit of pain. We don't know why these things happen, but they do.

But already, I have learned so much through this past week. I've learned, even though I already knew, how much the Lord really does love me and cares for every aspect of my life, even the things that I wouldn't think he cares about. I've learned how much my family, especially my dad, loves me. I could not ask for a better Dad. I know I've taken him for granted, and this past week showed me that. My dad had the opportunity to throw something in my face and say, "I told you so," but he didn't. He was gracious and loving as usual. I've also learned that I have the best friends a girl could ask for. Friends that have been with me through the thick and thin and who listen to me spill my life, even when it's not pretty. And this weekend, it wasn't pretty. I'm so glad I experienced this now with the people who are around me in this season. I don't why I had to experience it, but I know that I could've been hurt so much more. I know that the Lord had me in his hands the entire time, and my heart was his. I am ever so grateful for that.

Satan would love for me to bottle up and grow bitter and weary. I also know that is a lie. I've said it on this blog quite a few times, and I'll say it again, "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever" (Psalm 73:26). Forever. Not just when I want him to be or on the good days but forever. That does not mean any of this is easier. But it does mean that I know it happened for a reason and that someday the Lord will redeem that, and I'll be able to see that. I trust him. I trusted him before this happened, and he took care of me. He proved himself faithful once again. If this happened to draw me closer to him and build my trust in him, then so be it. I learned that lesson, just one of the many I know I have yet to learn.

So yes, I am still thankful for this season. The Lord is good. He has ordained this season. May my focus be on his kingdom and his glory, not myself.

Until next time,
God Bless

Seasons

2011-10-03T10:14:00.002-05:00

I love autumn. I think the more I am at college and experience this season here, the more I love it. I know I've written about this in the past, but I love watching the leaves change colors. I love knowing that next year those leaves will return and will be made new again, with their striking colors and taunts for the eye.

I'm grateful for this season, this season of fall but also this season of life the Lord has me in. The Lord has a way of humbling me and making me eat my words so many times. He has quite the sense of humor. The Lord has shown me recently just how much he cares about every aspect of my life, whether I thought he did or not. He calls me to trust him with every aspect of my life, so he can prove himself faithful. And he always proves faithful.

Lately, I've been reading through the book of Jeremiah. The book is not one I read often, but I've been reading it since I returned from camp. Over and over again, the Lord sends out Jeremiah to tell the Israelites to turn away from their false gods and destructive ways of living or the Lord will destroy them. Jeremiah goes where the Lord asks him and says what the Lord tells him, although not always without complaint or danger. Jeremiah's life is threatened along the way. But the Lord is always there with him. So many wonderful truths are brought to life in the book of Jeremiah. "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness" (Jer. 31:3). "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future'" (Jer. 29:11). Along with Jeremiah, I've been reading a certain amount of Psalms that have been so ever true in my life. Psalms 57, 62, and 73 have been so true and profound in my life really since the beginning of the summer.

I know the Lord has me in this season for a reason. It's not exactly what I had planned, but the Lord never has the same plans I have, and thank goodness. Just like Jeremiah, I am called to trust, to love, and to go, wherever that may be. The Lord has sweetly surprised me and blessed me in ways I can't recount. He has let my relationship with my roommate blossom, let my relationship with my housemates also grow, and brought a new friendship into my life. It's humbling; I don't deserve this, but I thank him for it.

Well, hopefully soon, I'll be able to update more.

Happy fall.

Until next time,
God Bless

The Room is Done . . . For Now

2011-09-08T16:15:00.004-05:00

Well, this last Monday my roommate and I worked all day on our room, and I must it looks pretty good. Pictures don't do it justice, but here you go.

Before: Funky paintings on the wall I did my sophomore year.

Cluttered bookshelf.

Funky weird colors. Poor Audrey had to go, but I still have one poster of her up.

And after: it's so different. The letters of "LOVE" are pasted with pictures of camps and mission trips I've been to. This is something I wrote at camp this summer that my roommate inspired me to paint. So I did.

A little more organized bookshelf and painted with distressing! I love it.
Found this little wall decoration at a flea market. It's a little small to just hang on a wall, but we'll find something to accompany it.
So that's my room now. I kept to my budget pretty well. I might have gone over by five or so dollars, but not too badly. I still would like to get a few more throw pillows and maybe change the comforter, but those will just have to be as I go things, and when I'm able to save.

I wish you could see it in person. It's so much more fun.

Until next time,
God Bless

Time for a Change

2011-08-29T06:53:00.004-05:00

My roommate and I were talking last night, and we were discussing how we'd like to be crafty and do some fun things this upcoming weekend as it is Labor Day. I will go home on Friday, but I'll come back Sunday because I'm helping out with my church's youth group, and they meet on Sunday nights. But I don't have school on Monday and neither does my roommate, so we're going to spend the day being crafty.

I was first inspired to start all these crafty projects from Pinterest, a fun little website full of pinboards that you can add and save to and organize so that if you're surfing the web and find something you like, you can just pin it. Well, I've pinned quite a few things lately, and many of them are crafty do-it-yourself projects.

But I've also realized more than just wanting to be crafty is that I'm ready for a change in my room decorations too. See the room I'm in now resembles the leftovers of a freshman girl's college dorm room. Not that anything would be wrong with that . . . if I were still 18, but I'm not. I'll be 22 in less than two months. I want a room that says, "Yes, I'm in college, but not for long." Not that I'm ready to be done with college, I just don't like the colors or style of what I have right now.

So, my roommate and I are going to spend Monday not resting but redecorating our room. And I'm going to try to get all of the things I need for $100 or less. I have about that much from camp that I put back waiting for something that I would need it for. When I go home this weekend, I'll be going to some flea markets and other places to discover what treasures I can find.

Here's my list of things I want to do:

get rid of all colors preceded by the word "hot" (hot pink, hot orange, etc.)
take down some paintings from my sophomore year of college and replace with something new
paint a wall decoration with something I wrote at camp this summer (I'll show a picture later.)
Recover a couple of pillows
find a new lamp
paint and distress my bookshelf and nightstand
maybe take some lace and hang over my bed
focus accent colors on mustards, creams, browns, and hints of green with whatever earthiness I can find
reorganize and throw away stuff I don't need
take clothes I don't wear to a consignment shop
And if we have time, my roommate and I want to make some crafty stuff to wear as well.

So my project this week is to take out $100 and try to find a good majority of these things for under that much. I know where I can get some cheap fabric and some cheap wood/particle board. Distressing the bookshelf and nightstand will not be expensive. If I get lucky, I can find a lamp at a flea market here or my hometown. I had some old brightly colored fake flowers in my room, but I know I can find something cheap to replace those.

I am super excited for this. I haven't redecorated anything since my freshman year of college, and I'm ready. My roommate and I have similar tastes, and we both have projects we want to tackle. Part of me wanted to stay and work on stuff all weekend long, but this Friday is my brother's last first home game at high school in the band. I want to be there. Plus, my dad and I will have fun antiquing/thrifting when I go home this weekend. But I can't go over budget. That's the key. I'll also be on the hunt this week when I have any spare time in between classes. This town is loaded with thrift stores/flea markets.

I will post before pictures soon, and then you'll be able to anticipate the after pictures. (Well, I don't know if you'll anticipate them or not, but I will!) I'm excited for this week. It will be fun. I wish I could clone myself and the clone could go to my classes, but I could go exploring. How fun would that be?

Until next time,
God Bless

Just a little lonely

2011-08-26T08:54:00.002-05:00

All summer I was surrounded by people. Be that campers, staffers, chaperones from churches, or the campground staff we worked with. I was almost constantly doing something with a bunch of people. I grew very close with the staff, especially. They were my family.

Now, I'm back at school figuring out how to go through my day without a group of thirty high-schoolers at my back or a team of staffers around me.

I realize today as I sit in this quiet newspaper office in this cubicle that I am lonely. I guess it took me almost three weeks of not being at camp to realize that. Most of what I do during the day at school I do on my own. Not because I don't want to be sociable but because not everyone has to do what I need to do, much unlike camp.

So if you think about it, lift up a prayer for me that I might find my company and my comfort in the Lord. And that maybe he would send some company my way on the earth as well. I know I'm not lonely because I have the Lord. And the Lord was with me in California. But he's the only thing I had in California that I still have here. Everything else that I had is gone.

Until next time,
God Bless

My Last First Day of School

2011-08-21T23:49:00.002-05:00

So tomorrow is my last first day of school. That's so weird, at least it's the last first day of school where I am a student. If I land a teaching job after graduation, I'll have first days of school, but it will be from a whole new perspective.

I was able to work Welcome Week this year, what out university does to welcome in the new freshman. It was great for me to interact with them and get to know them before classes started. We had a bunch of freshman and new students over to our house tonight, and we played games and had a lot of fun. This year's freshmen are great. They're very chill and very fun.

I remember the first day of my freshman year of college. I was so nervous, and I felt so awkward. I even remember what I wore. Isn't that weird? I think back to my freshman year, and I praise the Lord that He changed me and made me a new person.

Being a senior feels so weird. It's just one of those things that I never thought would arrive in my life, and here it is. But what's so cool is that everywhere I've turned during Welcome Week, Jeremiah 29:11 has been right there. "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'" I've heard this verse my whole life. Sometimes I feel quoting it or studying it becomes cliche or old-school. But it's the word of God. It's truth. It will never be cliche or old-school; it is powerful and from the mouth of God. Who am I to doubt it or turn my back on it?

Thus far in my life, God has proven that verse to be true. Who am I to say he's going to change now? What comforts me most about this verse is that the Lord knows the plans he has for me, not plans that I have for me, plans he has for me. Throughout this summer, I had to tell myself that this day, this week, this month, this life is not about me. God is my everything, and he wants me to trust him to do everything for me. I am not to live this life on my own.

So yes, tomorrow is my last first day of school, but I know I am living the plan God purposed for my life. I know I am living in his plan because it's happening, and what he plans happens. God is good, and if he's taught me anything in the past three years, it's that I can trust him, completely, unashamedly, wholeheartedly. I love him. So incredibly much, I love him.

He has a plan for me, to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me a hope and a future.

Until next time,
God Bless

Hopeful

2011-08-12T17:40:00.003-05:00

This summer has kind of gone by like a whirlwind. One minute, I was packing my things to head to camp for the summer, and as I turn around, I find myself ready to pack my things to head back for my senior year of college.

God has taught me so much my first three years of college. He definitely taught me so much this summer as well. I know this last year of college will not be any different. But to be very honest, I am a little nervous. Maybe it's a healthy kind of nervous.

Despite my fear or my uneasiness about entering this last year of school, I know where my trust lies, with the Lord. He has proven himself worthy of my trust time and time again, and I know he will never fail me.

So often in my walk with the Lord, and even right now looking ahead, I just don't know what to expect or what will come. But just like I told my students all summer long, as Christians we wear proverbial blindfolds. We can't see what's coming next. Only the Lord sees our futures. We are called to simply trust. Now it's time for me to accept that in my life as well. The Lord always shows me how to trust in one thing and then asks me take a bigger step and trust in him even more, which makes sense. Sometimes it's just tough.

This summer, the Psalms were a great comfort for me. This portion of Psalm 73 has spoken and continues to speak so much truth into my life.

v. 23-28: "Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. For behold, those who are far from you shall perish; you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you. But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all your works."

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. It doesn't matter what happens this year or what God calls me to. He is my portion. Without him, I am nothing. His burden is easy and his yolk is light; I am called to trust. I pray these verses are true in my own life.

So yes, I am slightly anxious for the upcoming year. Saying I wasn't would be a lie. But I am also hopeful. God will do great things.

Blessed

2011-07-27T22:46:00.002-05:00

I don't know what I mentioned before my last few posts, but I have been working at a camp this summer. This camp is called CentriFuge. It's a child company/camp of the company LifeWay. In the past, I've gone to summer camps as a camper and as a sponsor, but never have I been on this side of camp. I'm on staff at this camp, and I've been leading Bible studies for the past six weeks and teaching track times. Track times are little classes/tracks offered in the afternoons. I've been teaching For Girls Only and Creative Painting.

I've never been so blessed and so humbled in all my life. I've been to South Asia twice, and I've seen that heartache and brokenness, physically and spiritually. But never have I seen such heartache and brokenness here in the United States. I've seen campers with broken homes, broken lives, hopelessness, lostness, and so much more. I've been raised in a solid, Christian home my entire life. My parents have been married for over 29 years. Every member of my immediate family is a Christian. I've never been abused, deeply hurt, forgotten, abandoned or anything. And then I come here, in the same country I've lived in my whole life, and encounter students who have no idea who Jesus is and have never been told that Jesus loves them. These students have faced obstacles and challenges that I will never face. I have been truly humbled and blessed to work with this camp this summer.

I signed up for this last fall thinking it would just be a job that would get me through the summer. I had no idea my life would be so changed and so shaken up. After this summer, I can't imagine my life without some sort of ministry being a part of it. I don't know what that looks like, but I know in the Lord's timing that he will show me. If I've learned anything this summer, it's that I can trust the Lord with everything, absolutely everything.

God-The Ultimate Wedding Planner

2011-06-11T07:08:00.003-05:00

I'm in a wedding today. Not my own, but one of my childhood/long-time friend's wedding. We've been doing wedding preparation and decoration since Thursday, and last night was the rehearsal dinner. Everything has gone well so far except for a little frustration from the bride on Thursday night due to being tired . . . which is totally normal.

Yesterday, I was helping the bride get ready for the rehearsal dinner, and we were talking about the ceremony and bride's being stressed and the like. She was talking about so many things with the wedding had fallen through but how God was always right there to pick them back up and make them better. She was praising God for his goodness, and I was glad to see that despite how stressed she is sometimes, God is in control.

I then proceeded to say something along the lines of, "Wouldn't it be funny to be God and look down from heaven and see all the brides that stress out while preparing for their wedding and on their wedding day? God's probably saying, 'You know if you would just trust me and let me handle this, this would go a lot more smoothly. I have done weddings before.' He probably just laughs at brides and their uptight, stressful states before their weddings."

But think about how true that is. God probably oversees a wedding close to every day of the week. And not only that, but he's planning a wedding celebration and feast that will trump every wedding to date and after. God is the ultimate wedding planner, and although he doesn't appear in the church on the night before the wedding and tell everyone where to sit and where to stand, he is there. God gives the bride peace when she's nervous. He gives the father of the bride assurance that he's giving away his daughter to the right man. God gives calmness to the four children under the age of 10 who are walking down the aisle with the bridal party.

I'm not looking to plan a wedding any time soon, but I give anyone who reads this post full right to remind me of this when I do start to plan a wedding. God should be in control. The day really isn't about the bride anyway. The wedding is just a small picture of Christ and the church.

So yes, I'm in a wedding today, but it will be beautiful and God-directed and joyful.

Until next time,

God Bless

The Fallen Film

2011-05-20T01:00:00.005-05:00

On March 11, 2011, the movie "Jane Eyre" hit a select amount of big screens around the nation. As an avid lover of the book Jane Eyre, I was very much upset when the movie did not come to a theater near where I live. I really wanted to see the movie.

Well, tonight I found out it was playing in a town around thirty minutes from here, so a friend and I went and saw it.

Before I tell you more about the movie, let me give you a taste of what my expectations were before I entered the theater.

I had watched the trailers for the movie multiple times; I had found scenes and watch those as well; I read the book when I was in high school and fell in love with every word Charlotte Bronte scripted to bring the story together. This is my all-time favorite fiction book, even more than Jane Austen's books. The story, the plot line, of Jane Eyre is just so amazing and intriguing. I went into this movie expecting to have my breath taken away.

Well, that's not exactly what happened.

The movie began in a different way than I imagined, but I thought it was clever and understood what the director was trying to do. I liked the progression through the first part of the story because if you've read the book, you know the first part is kind of the slowest. But when Jane arrived at Thornfield, I expected more from the movie. From then on, I kept waiting for more and more, but it never came. When the screen went black at the very end, I kept saying, "No, no. Don't tell me this. No." And then it ended. My friend even mentioned to me one of the most significant details of the book that they just totally overlooked, and the last and probably most important chapters of the book are left out completely. I was so mad. I'm still a little heated if you can't tell.

But my anger at the failure of this movie does not stop here. No, I have a few people I need to address.

First, I must address Cary Fukunaga, director of "Jane Eyre."

Mr. Fukunaga,

What were you thinking? Did you think readers of this book would appreciate such a weak attempt to capture the essence of Jane Eyre? Did you think we wanted to be teased with each scene as it came so close to diving deep beneath the surface? No, we wanted to sink in the emotion and grief of the characters. Instead of my breath being taken away, I released it in huffs of frustration. Why would you even spend time attempting to make something that won't even come close to embodying what the book really says?

Next, I must address Charlotte Bronte, author of Jane Eyre. (Yes, I know she's dead.)

Dear Miss Bronte,

I'm extremely sorry for the poor attempt Focus Features and Cary Fukunaga made of this rendition of your wonderful classic. I'm sorry I paid the money I did to watch it. But I will tell you, this failure on the screen accounts for the fact that your work is so good that nothing can match it. I wish you could have been here to talk to the people who obviously needed help in making this movie.

Dear Reader of Jane Eyre,

You may have not read Jane Eyre, but whether you have read the book or constantly read the book all the time, I am sorry you had to endure this version of the book. Let me just tell you, RedBox it. Don't wast money seeing it in theaters. Many good scenes take place in the play, but the lack of enough details defeats any hope of a good moment in the movie.

If you have not read the book, let me just tell you this. You will enjoy the movie more if you have not read the book. But at this point, I would just suggest to get a copy of the book and read it. The book is so much more phenomenal and carries the plot so wonderfully. The depth of emotion and feeling does not reveal itself in the movie as it does in the book.

Yes, this is my review of "Jane Eyre." I don't recommend it, especially if you've read the book.

It just made me sad.

Until Next time,
God Bless

Almost a Senior, Almost

2011-05-18T14:13:00.002-05:00

So on my last post I said that I would be uncovering some misleading truths in some books I have read. I didn't realize, however, that I would not have the time to do this during the summer as I am working at a camp. So, this endeavoring with all the many books I would like to re-read may not happen for awhile. But when I decide to begin this project, I will let you know.

Today I took my last final. I still have one more reflection to write tomorrow that counts as a final, but it's not actually a test, so I kind of consider myself done with finals. Finishing my finals is always so weird for me. Throughout the entire semester, I study for ridiculous amounts of time and carry this weight of anxiety around on my shoulder for the all the work I have to do in all these classes. And then, suddenly with the turning-in of one test, it all comes to an end. I look back on the semester and wonder why I worried. But I also know that weight of anxiety also serves as motivation sometimes. It's kind of a catch 22 situation.

But yes, I am done. I'm not officially a senior yet. I won't count myself as one until after graduation, when all the seniors who are still here are gone. I'm excited to be a senior, but I also know that starting in the fall will be my last year of protection, if you will, from the real world. Not that I'm scared of the real world, but I've never lived in the real world on my own. I'm so glad my graduation is a year from this Saturday instead of four days away. I know/hope that when the time comes I won't be as scared as I am now, but only time will tell.

On a brighter note, I am excited for the camp I will be on staff with this summer. The camp is CentriFuge sponsored by LifeWay. I've never attended the camp as a camper, but I've heard wonderful things about it.

I'm also just excited to have some free time next week before training starts for camp. I'm bringing a friend home with me after school get out, and we're just going to chill and take it easy for about five days, five days of much needed rest.

So, yes, almost a senior, almost with 100 hours under my belt. (That doesn't seem possible.)

Hope you have a great summer. I try to post as often as I can.

Until next time,
God Bless

Dispelling the Lies

2011-05-06T12:40:00.004-05:00

The idea for this post spurs from a conversation had at my house last night with my roommates. The conversation is the spring board of this post. As the post continues, the focus may shift to something bigger or more broad. We'll see.

The conversation centered around my roommate and this guy she knows from the YMCA. Well, they've been friends for awhile, and he has dropped hints that he would like to hang out with her more, but he has never followed through. One of our other roommates jumped in on the conversation because she's married and has a little more experience with guys. (Yes, I live with a married couple and then another roommate, in case you're wondering.)

My roommate was talking about how she doesn't want to text this guy or call him because that's what the guy is supposed to do. Well, L, the other roommate, jumps in and says that it is okay for M, my roommate to text the guy and give a little encouragement. For the record, this was the first time I have ever heard this. So we talked a little more about what M should say to this guy. She could say that it would be nice to hang out with him sometime or that they should go get coffee or go for a walk. But neither M or me had ever heard this before. All my life, and all of M's life, we've been told, don't pursue guys, don't text them, don't call them, let them pursue you.

Let's sit back and think about that for a second. Why is a guy supposed to know he should pursue a girl if she gives him no indicator that she likes him or wants to hang out with him? You may say, because he likes her. But how does he know he likes her if she gives him no encouragement? Many a guy has probably realized he doesn't like a girl because she gives him nothing to go off of. Someone drew a fine line between encouragement and pursuing, and I must've missed that epic event. Every book I've read, every Bible study I've been a part of, and every girls conference I've been too said, "Let the guy chase you."

I'm not saying this approach is flawed. For some, this might work. Obviously, for me, it hasn't work, speaking from 21 1/2 years of never having a boyfriend. I know I think sometimes that guys are judgmental and constantly ridiculing girls and their every move, even though they could probably care less. For me, someone who does not have the longest list of guy friends or male "hang-out" buddies, anytime a guy talks to me or shows more than a little interest in me, I think that he likes me. I'm getting better with this, but it's hard. I think the hardest stage for a guy and a girl for a girl to understand is the friend stage. I forget that yes, I can be friends with guys, and that's okay. I can talk to them and them not think I'm crazy. They are people too. Their only existence is not to be boyfriends.

That said, I feel like all those books I read and all those Bible studies I went to made me a little paranoid and scared of boys. Yes, I admit it. I'm a little scared of them at times. But to hear someone who I think very sound in her faith say that it is okay to give guys a little encouragement where encouragement is needed was wonderful. Not chasing after them, just encouraging them. I wish I would've known that a long time ago. I wish I would've known that just asking a guy to go get coffee as friends is okay. I wish I would've known that just talking to guys is okay.

This brings me to part two of my post. As a journalist, I like to investigate things, especially things that are wrong. So over the next however many months, I'm going to read all those books I read when I was 14, 15, 16 and dispel the lies with scripture because I know the lies are there. And yes, I know it says in scripture that a woman is to have a gentle and quiet heart, but I also know that women like Esther, Ruth, Mary, and Hannah probably didn't sit around pining for someone to marry. Esther sure didn't. Ruth was even encouraged by Naomi to go to her man.

I know this may not seem like the biggest priority compared to the gospel, but it's something I've struggled with for as long as I can remember. I don't function well in the company of guys because my brain analyzes their every word and action around me. It's bad, really bad. And I do not think this is healthy. I don't think God wants me to be scared of my brothers-in-Christ. I'm not scared of my actual brother, so why should I be scared of them? This will require going against every habit I formed when I was younger, but I think God will teach me a huge lesson on the other side. I don't want to become a flirt. That's not what this is about. This is about learning how to interact with guys in a healthy way and just be friends.

I may not get through a ton of books this summer as I have a job lined out, but we'll see what happens. Stay tuned.

Until next time,
God Bless

Stress-free . . . and okay with it

2011-04-26T16:15:00.003-05:00

Life has been so crazy lately. If I don't have homework or an impending task at hand for one class, then I have it for something else. The good news is that I only have two and a half weeks of classes left, a week of finals, and then I'm done, for this semester anyway. And I only have two finals, so that is wonderful.

I've come to the point in the semester when I still care about my work, papers, and tests and everything else I have to do, but I've lost that sense of urgency and motivation that I had at the beginning of the semester. I just get burnt out and don't want to do any of the work anymore. But I think God understands this too. For example, I'm in a Shakespeare class this semester, and every day our professor starts the class with a quiz over the assigned reading. Well, today she surprised us. We celebrated Shakespeare's birthday, although a little late, and she told us the quiz was cancelled. That just made my day because I had read the material, but I didn't read it as thoroughly as I should have. I wanted to read it, but I simply did not have the time. And I know the party, however of a simple, silly thing it was, was a blessing from God.

I still have quite a bit to do this semester. I have a test tomorrow in Victorian Literature; I'm taking cupcakes to my field experience classrooms tomorrow and Thursday morning; I have the Praxis on Saturday; I have a poem I'm presenting next Wednesday, which requires a lot of research; I have a paper due in Shakespeare before the final, and I also have a paper due in Victorian Literature before the final as well. Oh, and did I mention I have to grade seven essays before next Thursday and finish all of my education paperwork? Yeah, I have to do that too.

But I'm not stressed. I don't think God wants to be stressed. I'm tired of being stressed. This does not mean I will not get my work done or slack off. It's just that maybe, if I don't kill myself trying to study for tests or beat myself up if I don't prepare enough, it will be okay. Twenty years from now, no one will care about how I do on the test I will take tomorrow. Now, of course, I care right now, and that's what makes it hard. It's all about balance.

So yes, this is my life right now. Crazy, crazy, busy, busy. But I know in about three and a half weeks, I'll get a break, a much needed and deserved break, if I do say so myself. Then I will work at camp over the summer, experience God do amazing things, and come back for my senior year of college and my last semester of actual classes. Yay!

So yes, life is good.

Hope you are enjoying the rain or sun or whatever weather you are blessed with.

Until next time,
God Bless

Eating My Words

2011-04-12T23:11:00.004-05:00

In the past two and a half years, I've learned a lot, but in the past two and a half months, I think I've learned even more.

I've made some judgments and told people some things that I thought I meant, and I think I really did mean them at the time. But in the past couple of weeks, God has allowed me to eat my words. God changed my perspective on quite a few things and humbled me, greatly humbled me.

I had a conversation with my dad a couple of weeks ago that was a good awakening moment. He reminded me why I'm in college and that this time in my life is supposed to be fun, not filled with confusion and grief. I had been looking for the bad in a lot of things when really, a lot of good could be found in those things.

I sometimes get so focused on what I have to do that I forget that college is more than just grades and if I studied enough for this test or that. This should be one of the most fun times of my life, building relationships and spending time with people who will matter. I've overlooked so many important things in the past two and a half months, things I'm honestly ashamed that I've done.

But I know God has given me a chance to fix things and make things better. Even in the past two weeks my attitude has changed, and I'm just more joyful about life, which I think if one is a follower of Christ, joy is a good thing to have.

I think God has taken this time to jar me a little, to show me that I have a year left of college, and I should make it count.

Speaking of some fun I've been having, last Saturday, my roommate and I went to the school where she did her student teaching and we helped work a carnival. It was a lot of fun, and it confirmed the fact that I'm not supposed to each at the elementary level. I love little kids, but I would never want to teach them.

Here's a picture of Mel and myself before we left for the carnival. It was a warm day, so we thought we'd wear cute spring dresses.

So, yes, I've been eating my words. But you know what? They kind of taste good.

Until next time,
God Bless

The Call to Trust

2011-03-29T23:03:00.005-05:00

Sometimes, our purpose in life and the method of how and why we do the things we do just makes sense. Other times, they don't make sense. Today was one of those days for me. I feel as though today was a whirlwind. It just kind of came and went, and it was hard for me to grasp anything in it. But now that it has past, I can feel its effects. Right now, I am a junior in college. If all goes as it should, I am set to graduate in May 2012. As of this moment, I don't know what God has in store for me or what I will do when they hand me my diploma. I have a ton of options, but my desire is to pursue the right one, the one God has for me. One option I have is, of course, to pursue what I have been building up to these past two and three quarter years: teaching. It just kind of makes sense to apply at high schools and begin my teaching career. This is definitely an appealing option. I could settle down, get involved with teaching and whatever local church I find, and just begin to live life as an independent adult. Another option I have, which would probably come after a few years of teaching, is to pursue my passion for writing. If you do not know, I have written a full-length novel and have been told that it is publishable material by a very reputable company. The only drawback to that at this point in time is that this company wanted me to put down the funds to publish the book. With my monthly salary being as slight as it is, this just wasn't going to happen, especially for the sum they wanted. But just knowing that my work is worth publishing gives me hope that maybe someday it could happen. The final option I have considered for quite some while not actually telling many people is to go overseas and serve for two years. The International Mission Board has a program called Journeyman. I won't go to into every detail here, but this program sends out college graduates up to the age of twenty-six who the company feels is well-equipped to serve overseas in a cooperating country for two years. I have been to South Asia twice, and on my first trip, our team worked with two Journeymen who were working under the leadership of long-term missionaries there on the field. So seeing them in action with us on the field really sparked an interest in me. I haven't been able to let that go since then, and it's almost been a year since my first trip. This past trip I took just reinforced all those reasons of why I should pursue Journeyman. Many pros and cons exist with this option, as they do for all the other options. But this has been the option, the "what-if," that has been the most difficult to get out of my head. I know God allowed me to go to South Asia for a reason. I don't want to pass up an opportunity to go and share the love of God with people who need it all over the world. But I also know I can do that here as well. So tonight, all of this kind of came crashing down on me at once. I felt myself tensing up and getting stressed out about it. I ended up working out for about an hour and a half tonight, and after I was done, I had a different look at the whole thing, a look I should've had from the beginning (thank you, endorphins). These options I'm mulling over, this so-called "plan" I think I have for my life is nothing compared to what God has for me. God doesn't call me to know right now. His word doesn't say I have to know what I'll be doing in two years. His word says I need to trust. When I think about that, about trusting and knowing God is in control, it takes such a burden off me. I'm no longer pressured to figure all this out. God will do that for me. If Journeyman is something God has purposed for my life, then He'll equip me and move my heart toward that. If I'm supposed to get a job and teach and impact students here, then He will move my heart to that as well. When we quiet our busy minds and remember the great reaches of God's control and power, we receive that nice dose of humility, knowing that nothing we do is good enough and that we can do nothing on our own. So maybe whirlwind days aren't so bad after all. God can take a day that didn't seem to make sense in the midst of it, but then show us how every minute of that day was for His glory. Well, enjoy the rest of your week. Until next time, God Bless.

Contentedly Single

2011-03-18T10:05:00.004-05:00

*This is a really long post.

It's been awhile. I know. There's really no excuse for why I haven't blogged recently. I think part of it stems from having to write two to three articles per week for the school paper and being in five classes that require writing. Once I begin to write all the time, I wouldn't say I become burn-out, but I just need a break.

But, today is the last day of school before spring break starts. I will leave school at three o'clock and head for home. I also enrolled for my first semester of my senior year yesterday. That is so weird to think about. But my schedule is great. It's the same times of classes that I had last fall, and I loved that schedule. No, not the same classes, but the same times of classes.

I'm so ready to go home. My schedule this semester is absolutely crazy, and I feel like I haven't had time to breathe lately. I had a kidney infection two weeks ago, which I didn't have to miss any classes for, so that was good. Although, it did set me a little behind with studying for some tests that I had that week. But I got my tests back this week, and I got A's on both tests. All I can say is, "Thank you, God." It was all him.

Right now I'm praying through a few different things that God has put on my heart. I'm looking forward to going home for break, so I can have more time to spend with God and get away from being so busy.

One thing that God has really pressed on my heart in the past few weeks is how blessed I am to be single. For who knows how long, (you do know if you've read my blog), I've been praying about the man God has for me and what that looks like and how much longer I'll have to wait. For awhile, I put up a front saying that I didn't want a boyfriend and that Christ was my only desire, but I think I was only just saying that to disguise my want for a boyfriend.

But I'm in a different living arrangement this semester, and God has shown me so much though it. He's shown me what marriage, a young marriage, looks like on a daily in-and-out schedule. He's also shown me what having kids looks like and how that impacts one's marriage. For a long time, I thought marriage was just a romantic idea for two people who have fallen in love to be together. But God kind of wiped that idea from my mind. Marriage can be messy. It can be hard. And there's no getting out of it. None of those things are bad, but marriage is not something and should not be something one enters into on a whim. Not when marriage is something that requires so much commitment. I had never thought of marriage in that way before. I knew it involved all those things, but I had never seen people so close to my age who were married live that out on a daily basis.

All that to say: I'm not ready to be married. And not only that, I don't want to be married right now. I look at all the responsibilities that come with being married, and I don't want them at 21 years of age. I still have one more year of school ahead of me. I still have to graduate and figure out where God wants me to teach. And I love being free. I love the independence that comes with being single. If I were in a relationship or married, I would constantly have to be aware of that other person, which isn't bad, if you're ready for it. This is just one of those areas that is going to take some time to mature. And that's okay. I would much rather be single for the next however many years and be ready for marriage, or as ready as I can be, when that comes along, than get married now and hate being married.

For a long time now, I've had this vision of myself after college living in an apartment by myself with a dog or maybe a cat. I don't know. But I have this dream, if you will, of being independent. I think as young women, especially in this culture and especially in the Bible belt, we think that to be complete and have a prosperous life, we need to get married. Everyone expects it. Parents, friends, family, church members; everyone. But why? Because that's what everyone has done for the past however many years?

And don't hear me saying that I'm against the institution of marriage. I'M NOT. I'm very for a man and a woman getting married if that is God's will and if they are both ready--financially, spiritually, physically, emotionally, etc. Believe me, if God blesses me with a husband some day, I'm not going to turn that down. But I'm not ready right now. I enjoy being able to come and go as I please. And not that I have any potential suitors, but this also means I don't want to be in a relationship because at this age in one's life, a serious relationship usually leads to marriage. I also don't want this to sound like I am selfish and can think only about myself. But right now, in the hustle and craziness of college, I do okay to make sure I have everything in line where it should be. I can't imagine having to take care of someone else at the same time. And I know that if I get married when I am teaching, my schedule will still be busy and crazy. But I'll be more mature, and by then, I will have had those years to enjoy being single.

I heard a young lady say a few weeks ago that she felt God brought her a husband to have someone to enjoy God with. I liked that. To her, getting married wasn't about the ooey, gooey romantic feelings and "falling in love." Marriage was about a union set out by God to glorify God. And if I'm not going to glorify God in my marriage by not being mature enough or prepared, then I don't want to be married.

Isaiah 54:5 says that your maker is your husband. When I look at Jesus as my husband and begin to focus on my relationship with him, everything else falls away. He is what matters. Not what might happen someday or what might not happen. Only Jesus.

So, this is what God has been pouring into my life. And let me just tell you, it is so freeing. I don't worry about what guys think of me as much as I used to. I'm not constantly looking for a guy. I'm so content. And I owe all of this revelation and understanding to God. Without him, I wouldn't be where I am today.

Well, enjoy the spring weather.
Until next time,
God Bless

Happy Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T13:36:00.003-06:00

I almost feel that anything I want to write about Valentine's Day would be a cliche. You name it, it's been written.

But I'm going to write something anyway.

I feel as though most people take one of three stances when it comes to Valentine's Day. They either do something special for that special someone, complain and grovel in bitterness because they are so lonely (single), or they proudly proclaim that they are perfectly fine with being single.

Well, what if we look at Valentine's Day from another light? Does the focus of Valentine's Day just have to be on the love shared between a man and a woman? Can't I celebrate the love I have for a friend on Valentine's Day?

In the Bible, Christ commands us to love our neighbors as ourselves. Most of you know, I now live off campus. The family with whom I live usually does their own thing for Valentine's Day. The husband and wife go off on their date, and they find a sitter for the kids. Well, tonight, we're doing something different. We're celebrating Valentine's Day as a family, celebrating the love we have for one another.

Americans spend countless amounts of money on cards, flowers, and chocolates for this day that for some reason happens to be different from every other day of the year because the calendar has two words written in the February 14th slot: "Valentine's Day." I think it would be really neat if we celebrated the love we have for our friends and family every day. No, I don't recommend buying a dozen roses every day, but just telling those important people in your life how much you love and treasure them more than just one or two days a year.

Yes, I am single on this Valentine's Day as I have been for the past 20 Valentine's Days of my life. But I'm okay with that. I'm not bitter or proudly announcing how satisfied I am with being single; I'm just enjoying being in love with Christ and knowing that no love, whether I had a man or not, could compete with the love of Christ.

So, Happy Valentine's Day. I hope it's a great day for you.

Until next time,
God Bless.

A Love-Hate Relationship

2011-02-02T14:32:00.007-06:00

So we've received about 24 inches of snow in the past 36 hours, and I must say it is beautiful. Eight people have been cooped up in our house for the last day just trying to stay warm and keep company. It's been a lot of fun. Monday night right before the storm hit, my school cancelled classes, and we stayed up until 4 o'clock in the morning. It was great.

But I've also decided that I have a love-hate relationship with snow. I think it is beautiful, and I love watching it snow. I love being inside when the snow is in fact falling from the sky. What I do not like is the next day when it is done snowing and all that snow remains lurking about. You can't go anywhere, and you can't do anything and because the snow is shining, it just makes one want to go out and be in the beautiful weather . . . well, the sunny weather.

What also stinks is that I had just gotten myself back into the groove of reading for class and getting on the ball for school work and getting motivated, and then class gets cancelled two days in a row. Lovely. Now, if we have class tomorrow, I have to get my lazy self motivated, again, and get back to reading. Fun fun.

Another thing I don't really care for is that you can't really be physically active, like intense exercise, especially when there are eight people in your house. I mean, I could go out and run in the snow, but I would only last like five minutes, and it's really, really cold. And I don't like that once you go out, spend some time in the snow and come back in, the snow gets everywhere. Yeah, it's fun to play in, which we did today, but it just gets everything wet and cold.

The last thing I really hate about this snow is the fact that I-44 west is closed, or at least part of it is. I haven't been home since January 5. I've been on a mission trip, and now we're in our second week of classes. I just want to go home. But if they don't open I-44 west by this weekend, I'll be stuck here for another week, which wouldn't be horrible, but I would still like to go home. My family really wants to see me, and I really want to see them.

So, yeah, I love the snow as it's falling and sparkling in the moonlight. It just makes one want to sit by the fire, sip hot cocoa, and read a good book. But when you are cooped up for two days and have nothing to do, it gets old.

Yes, I thank God for the beauty of it, but I just really wish I could go home.

There. I've said my peace.

Here are some pictures of our lovely Snow Apocalypse of 2011.

Hope everyone enjoyed their snow.

Until next time. God Bless.

Yes...I'm still alive.

2011-01-25T23:22:00.004-06:00

I know it's been forever since I've last posted, but it's not because I've forgotten about you. Oh no.

For my first two weeks over break, I was home but did not have ready Internet access, so I did not post. And then for the last three-ish weeks, I've been in South Asia on a mission trip with my church that I attend here at college.

(A little girl I had the privilege of getting to hold while we were in someone's home. I could've taken her home with me.)

Let me just say that this past trip to South Asia was so amazing, and God taught me so much through it. The church planter we were able to work alongside is one of the most humble men I've ever known. He welcomed us into his home every night, and his wife made our team dinner although she wouldn't let us call it that. Then one night she made us "real dinner" which was more food than we could handle. We walked through the book of Galatians in five nights with our church planter and our team growing because of it. And we also played badmitton every night because our church planter's son loves badmitton and stinkin' amazing. And our team leader and I make a pretty good badmitton team too if I do say so.

(This was a family who owns one of the schools where we visited. The guy in the dark orange shirt asked for my phone number. I just told him I lived in America, and it was too far. It was so funny.)

We were able to visit the churches the planter has planted. He's done this in less than a year and already has two more locations and people groups ready to start two more churches. We visited a widow's colony that blew me away. It's funded by the government, so the facility is very nice, and the lady's there have a way to take part in a trade and make stuff so they just don't sit and do nothing.

(This is what is known as a henna tattoo. It's a temporary tattoo that some women get when they get married, but the girls on our team got it just because it's cool. It wears off in like two weeks. They apply this mud-type substance that has a weird spice to it and makes your hands stink, but it also stains your skin. You leave the mud substance on and let it dry for like two hours. Then we washed it off, and it leaves a kind of orange-ish brown tint on your skin the same design as the mud was. The picture above is of the mud still on before I washed it off. It's so much prettier than the tattoos people get in the states because it's brown and not that yucky -black-ish blue color.)

We did some prayer-walking, which I'm going to try to start doing more of here in the states because it's needed more than just in South Asia. We went to a couple of schools, but we didn't get to preach or teach English. However, the guy who runs both of the schools is letting our church planter meet in one of them, so for us not to visit would be kind of rude and discouraging.

One afternoon, we went to one of the locations to preach where one of the next two churches will be planted. When we arrived, the owners of the home took us to the roof of the house, and thirty children and mothers already waited for us. Within five minutes, that number doubled, and I was praying the roof wasn't going to cave in. Our leader asked the other guy on the team to preach, and I was asked to share my testimony. And I did.

(This was that roof I was telling you about. And I didn't even get the whole roof in the picture.)

I've shared my testimony before, but never before was it as nerve-wracking and terrifying as it was in that moment, and those people didn't even understand me. I did have a translater, but just the fact of standing in front of sixty people didn't help my nerves at all. And I think having the team behind me, as small as we were, didn't help. But right before I stood to speak, I just told the Lord to let them be His words and not mine. That helped my nerves a little. But it made me a little ashamed of myself. I should never be that nervous to share what God has done in my life. I should be able to talk about it backwards and forwards because it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I should never be nervous.

As we left that home, all the kids who had been on the roof and all the other kids who had seen us from the other roofs followed us back to our van. All I could hear was laughing and the pitter-patter of little feet following us. When we reached our van, they were climbing on and trying to climb in--all in smiles and laughter. It was one of the most fulfilling and joyful moments of my life. I wish I could've stayed.

(I took this picture from the van, and I wasn't zoomed in. That's how close they were to the van. They're so beautiful.)

We also did some sight-seeing and just had an awesome time as a team. God ordained this team from the start, and it was awesome to see us bond and connect so quickly.

On our way back to the States, we had an overnight layover in London, and it was AMAZING!!!! I'm pretty sure I will be going back to London, somehow, someway, someday. I love London. It's so beautiful. And even though it was late, and we were tired and cold, it was still so awesome. We saw Buckingham Palace, Big Ben, Westminster Abbey, the Parliament Building, the River Thames, and we saw the footbridge that blows up on the sixth Harry Potter movie--that's just a freeby. I also rode on a subway system for the first time. They call it the "tube" in London, but it's virtually the same thing.

We arrived home this past Friday very early in the morning, and I slept very late that afternoon. It was wonderful. I didn't sleep well Friday night, but every night since then I've been sleeping great.

I'm all settled in at my new place which actually isn't mine, but it kind of is. I started classes on Monday, and I know I will have a busy schedule, but it will be good. I will have lots of reading, but that's expected when one is an English major. I'm taking Shakespeare this semester, and I've heard I will have to read quite a bit for that class. But how awesome is it that I get to study the works of one of the most amazing playwrights/authors in all of history for a whole semester? I'm pretty pumped.

I'm still processing a lot from the trip, and I know I'll think about more things as time goes along, but I just wanted to fill you in on what's been happening lately. I hope you enjoyed the pictures.

Until next time,

God Bless

Ode to Structure

2010-12-16T11:28:00.003-06:00

Well, finals are over as of thirty minutes ago. Some of my finals I was glad to take and be done with them, but I had this one class, Structure of the English Language, whose final I did not want to take. It's not that I didn't want to take it because it was going to be hard or that I hadn't studied for it; I didn't want to take it because that ended the class.

Now before you go crazy or call me crazy, let me explain. This class is unlike any class I have ever taken, maybe in my whole life. Mr. Sukany, my professor, brought the material of this class to light in a way I would have never imagined. I never knew so many elements existed in the English language. We began the semester studying the sounds of every letter in the alphabet and comparing those to the International Phonetic Alphabet. Then we took those sounds and formed them into words and broke words apart. Then we started diagramming sentences, labeling each word in a sentence with its respective part of speech. But this wasn't just one label and then move on. No, this was labeling every possible function that a word or group of words, constituents, could possibly be in a sentence. We started with simple sentences and then we moved to nonrestrictive modifiers and partial predicates. Yes, I understand that sounds like gibberish to most of you.

So this final, that I just finished 30 minutes ago, was my last one. It was actually pretty simple, but as I walked into this classroom where I had spent every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday of this semester, I was saddened. I had Mr. Sukany last semester for History of the English, but Structure was my last class with him. He's so passionate about English and about grammar. I won't have him in class anymore. I know I probably sound a little melodramatic, but you didn't sit in these classes and laugh so hard you couldn't breathe. The class would have intellectual conversations about grammar that no one else I know could have had with me. It was wonderful. I was frustrated sometimes in the class, like when he introduced a new concept that didn't make sense, but after you learned it, you realized how awesome it is. I never knew so much could apply to language or that so much could be unpacked in one sentence.

I gave Mr. Sukany a thank you card telling him how much I appreciated this class. I was so challenged and learned so much. So after I handed in the final, was handed my homework from the semester, and walked out the door, it hit me. I was done with Structure. All those good times. All those laughs. All the late hours spent diagramming sentences. It is done.

I cried. Yeah, I really did. I was that sad. It was like saying goodbye to a wonderful friend. I'm tempted to take the class again next fall just for the heck of it. But I don't know. It may not work out with my schedule. I didn't think I would cry at first, but I did. I loved that class so much.

Anyway, I just wanted to share. Never in my life would I have imagined I would grow so attached to a class, but it happened. I will use every bit of what I learned in Structure when I start teaching. And I know that I will never take another class like Structure for as long as I live.

So thanks for listening to me ramble. Have a Merry Christmas and God Bless.

My Love

2010-12-02T00:18:00.004-06:00

Sometimes God lets us wonder about our current circumstances. He gives us the time to mull over in our heads what's happening in our lives. We pray and read His word, and we mull some more. And then sometimes, God decides to tell us where we are, and we no longer have to mull so much.

Over Thanksgiving Break, my mulling paid off. For a very long time, and you know how long if you've read any of my blog over the past few years, I have been waiting for God to bring that special someone into my life. I feel like I have waited for a long time, which I have, but the older you get the longer it feels like you wait, which it is. Anyway, while I was at home, God kind of tore up my method of thinking. I have stereotyped myself for a long time with the two words of waiting and single. Those words are not "bad" words, but when used in the wrong connotation, they can evolve into bad words. I think in a way for me, I've been stuck with those words for so long, they have kind of grown bad on me.

But God took it a step further. Whether I am single or dating or married it should not matter what I am labeled. What should matter is whether I am pursuing an intimate relationship with my Lord Jesus Christ.

I always go back to thinking about a marriage relationship, simply because that is how our relationship with Christ is portrayed in the Bible. He loves the church as his bride. But what kind of a relationship is it if I'm complaining that my husband isn't enough or that I'm not satisfied or even if I'm not talking to him as much as I should. Jesus is so much more important than any husband I could ever have. Sometimes my flesh wants to combat that thought process with a large "but what about," but that's not fair. The maker of the universe, according to Jeremiah 29:12, wants me to come to Him with tears and just be with Him, and He will listen to me. The being who breathed the stars into existence wants to listen to what little ole me has to say. If that's not a relentless love, I don't know what is.

God doesn't look at me as single or waiting or dating. He sees me as his daughter pursuing an intimate relationship with him. When I switch my focus from the negative to the positive, being single doesn't appear so blah. God has placed me in this season for a reason. He wants me to dive headlong into this ocean of newness and love and experience Him in a way I never have.

He simply wants me to trust Him. Some days, that is the hardest thing I have to do. But why is it? Why is it that we find it so difficult to trust the maker and writer of our lives and of everything? Because we are human, and we have this awful thing called sin in the world. But thank goodness we have God's redeeming grace and forgiveness and faithfulness, and thank goodness for the cross of Jesus. Thank goodness for that love because without it, we would all be destined for hell.

So if you see me in the upcoming months and ask me if I've found a boyfriend, I will probably tell you no. But that I have found a lover who surpasses anything a boyfriend could ever offer. God is so incredibly good, and I want to love Him more and learn to love him better.

I hope this post finds you well during this lovely Christmas season. Until next time, God Bless.

Reflections

2010-11-18T20:17:00.002-06:00

As cliche as it may be, I feel like I need to take some time look back over the past year, and yes, be thankful for where God has me right now. I think about where I was this time last year, and I praise God for how much I have grown spiritually and emotionally.

I wasn't happy with who I was last year. I didn't like myself. I didn't like what I looked like, what I felt like, or anything about myself. But God changed that. Through an amazing amount of prayer and some months of counseling, God brought me through one of the darkest periods of my life. I would bet money I was battling with depression, and I just didn't understand what was happening with myself. I went through a situation with someone with a certain person, and that also kind of messed me up a little bit. But God showed me his will through all of it. Yes, that time in my life was not fun, but God used it for his glory. He showed me how faithful he is.

And now, when feelings that I experienced last year start to arise now, I know how to fight them and I know what they look like. I know when they will come up. I can almost predict those times, but I know how to battle them: with the word of God and with prayer.

So, yes, this Thanksgiving, I am so thankful. God has taken me to the other side of the world and back and given me proof of how blessed I am. He could have put me in a slum in South Asia, but he chose to put me here. He chose to bless me and place me here, a place I can make impact and have the ability to go around the world and serve God.

No, not a whole lot has changed in the physical sense since last year, but so much has happened on the inside and in my heart. I haven't dropped thirty pounds or found a boyfriend, but God has shown me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me. God has proven how faithful he is in my life, no matter what. No matter how much I fail to be in his word, no matter how much I fail to tell other people about His glory, no matter how much I fail to love others; His love continues to flow so freely.

If I were to count all the things I am thankful for, I wouldn't be able to write them all down. By the world's standards, no I'm not rich, but looking through the eyes of God and comparing what I have to what the little girl in the slum in South Asia has, yes, I am filthy rich. I don't deserve all I have, but God has still chosen to bless me.

I have friends galore and a family who loves me more than I can comprehend. Yes, I am truly thankful.

This year, don't take for granted what and who you have and what and you who you can be thankful for. Have a Happy Thanksgiving.

Striving Higher

2010-11-08T23:43:00.004-06:00

Sometimes when one gets caught up in the everyday hassle of life, all that hassle can bog one down and just cause one to wonder, "How does this benefit the kingdom?"

I was having this conversation with a friend earlier last week in light of some future possible plans. Sometimes I just don't see the eternal significance of writing papers, studying my butt off for tests, bending over backwards to write newspaper articles, and taking the time to complete minuscule bits of homework. But this friend reminded me that God has placed everything in my life for a reason to prepare me for something. I'm here at college for a reason. My heart may desire to be on the other side of the world sharing the gospel, but obviously, God has me here for a reason.

1 Corinthians 10:31-11:1 says, "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks or the church of God--even as I try to please everybody in every way. For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many, so that they may be saved. Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ."

I feel God has laid this verse on my heart. No, I'm not on the other side of the world devoting my life wholly to him, but I can still do that here. I can reach out to people, keep them from stumbling, and point others to Christ by my words and my actions. I should be, like Paul was, "seeking out the good of many, so that they may be saved." Even here, many people do not know the Lord. I have to ask my myself, "What can I do to change that?"

But seeking the good of many becomes difficult sometimes when school and society tell me I have so much I already have to worry about, like homework, jobs, spending time with friends, studying for tests, writing papers, doing interviews, and a million other different things that seem to creep into my day.

As a follower of Christ, I know God has placed a higher calling on my life. No, I'm not perfect, and I never will be, but just as Paul did, I should strive to emulate Christ in all that I do. Even at a Christian university, that can be difficult. It comes down to looking at what I know I have to do and doing it so that I glorify God, but also glorifying God by doing what He calls me to do to bring others to know him.

I'm praying right now about something that I would do after I graduate college, which I know is still a year and a half away, but it doesn't hurt to pray. I won't go into details right now, but just pray that if this is what God has placed on my heart that I would respond and have the courage to pursue it. I know it would be an awesome experience, but I also know some things in my life would have to change for the better for this to come about. But I trust God and believe that if this is what He has for me, He will bring it to fruition.

I was walking back to my dorm room tonight, and amidst all that I have to do this week for school and the newspaper and homework for classes, I was able to praise God for how incredibly good he is. I wasn't stressed. I wasn't bogged down. I wasn't worried. I knew God was right there with me, and that he will be walking with me through every step of this week.

Mission trip update: This past week, I was informed that someone very close to me was giving $500 for my trip, boosting me to $1600 total. Then at church on Sunday, I was informed that two checks came in the mail each for $200 this week. That means that my trip is paid in full. God is so incredibly good. God has helped me raise this money in a faster time period for this trip with less time to do it than my last trip when I had more time to raise it. I'm in awe of His goodness.

I will keep giving updates as we grow closer to our departure date. Just pray that God softens the hearts of the people we will be working with in South Asia. Pray that we have open doors to minister to and love on those people. I have faith that He will do it. Also pray for a team from my church that I attend here who is leaving this Wednesday for a trip to West Africa. It is the first team our church has taken to this people group. They are hoping to establish roots and build relationships for future teams to return. There are no missionaries or known Christians in this people group.

Until next time,
God Bless

Musings

2010-11-03T00:25:00.003-05:00

I attend a collegiate Bible study every Tuesday night for the college students who attend this certain church. Every Tuesday night, I feel God lays new information on my heart, information that literally wrecks my thought processes.

Last week, God revealed to me that I have not been spending enough time in his Word. I have all the time in the world to spend in his Word, but I've let other things creep in the way. God sternly, but lovingly, told me that had to stop.

Well, tonight, God showed me another area in my life that is lacking, that would be sharing my faith. Dave, the college pastor, talked tonight about how toward the end of Paul's ministry on the earth, his goal was to get to Spain. In those times, Spain was thought to be the end of the world. No one knew of the other continents out there. So Paul thought that if he could spread the name of Jesus across the entire country of Spain, then Jesus would come back and they'd be gone. But obviously, that wasn't the case. Dave made this point because Spain was Paul's passion. That was his end goal, getting the gospel to the ends of the world for all to hear.

Then Dave turned the question on the college students. What is our Spain? What is our end goal? Where are we just dying to take the gospel so those who have never heard can finally have that chance? For me, I know I am dying to return to South Asia, but God has also placed people in my life right here. Yes, I have a passion for those in South Asia, but people here in America still need to hear the name and the word of God.

After the Bible ended, I went to visit some friends. Well, two of these friends are foreign exchange students here on scholarship. Neither of them are Christians. One of them is from South Asia, the other from South America. I was able to dialogue with the student from South Asia. This student is very persistent. They know what they are talking about. But God has placed this person on my heart, and I want to be able to build a relationship with them. They were told when they came to America not to get converted. I know God has placed these two students in my path for a reason. Pray that God gives me the wisdom to know what I'm supposed to do next and how to handle the relationships.

I was reminded tonight during Bible study of something I realized this past summer. My end goal on this earth should be to spread the Word of God until all have heard. But then when one returns to such a place as college, one grows jaded and forgets that end goal. I've been thinking about marriage, what I'm supposed to do with my life and all these other insignificant things. God wants me focused on his name and bettering the kingdom for his glory. My desire needs to be for God more than anything else on this earth: more than marriage, kids, a job, whatever; it all needs to be about God.

Anyway, just some musings I've been wrestling with tonight. But I really must sleep now.

Until next time,
God Bless

Busy, Busy

2010-10-28T13:16:00.003-05:00

Well, I thought that when homecoming week ended that I would get some time to breathe. I thought wrongly. I'm not as busy as I was last week, but I'm still busy. I was up until two this morning working on a paper and studying for a test I have in about 40 minutes. I woke up sleepy, which I still am now, and not wanting to do anything. But I'm not as sleepy as I was this morning.

But God did something really cool for me today in spite of crazy schedule. On Thursdays I have class have at 8 a.m., have a break, class again at 11 a.m., another break, and then class again at 2. Well, my professor for my 11 o'clock canceled class today and so that gave me more time to read through the material for my 2 o'clock test. Our professor didn't warn us in advance how much there was to study. I know some of that is my fault, but I just haven't had the time to study.

Then, by tomorrow, I'm supposed to finish and then read again a certain chapter for a certain class that is 45 pages long. Not looking forward to that, nor do I know how I'm going to pull that off. I'm also going to a banquet tonight. Then I might go to some friends' house after that. I hope to go work out sometime today, and then I have to write a case study and a research report for one of my classes for tomorrow. I also have an interview today for a story I'm writing for the paper. I have another interview tomorrow morning; then I'll have class. After class gets done at one, I'll come back to the newspaper office and write three stories, maybe have time to go back to the room and chill, and then I'm going to a Halloween Party/Fundraiser.

So that is my life for the next 24 hours. Sounds like a party. Just pray that I stay sane, am able to carve out time to be in God's word, and that I can manage ways to work out and sleep. Those are all good things I need to do.

Oh, and I don't think I've mentioned this yet, but I'm finally moving off-campus next semester. I'm super excited. I'm living with some friends who I love very much, and I know my soon-to-be roommate very well. God worked it out wonderfully. And it will save on money a ton.

Despite the craziness of my schedule, we have three and a half weeks until Thanksgiving Break and then two more weeks of classes after that. So, we're past the half-way point. Yay!!! And God is helping me through every minute of it. More like he's getting me through every minute of it. He's so good, so patient, and constantly shows me how much he loves me. I love him so much.

Well, I must go to class and take my test.

Until next time,
God Bless

Putting me in my place

2010-10-22T22:51:00.002-05:00

You know how every once in a while whether you want this to happen or not a pity-party just kind of sneaks up on you?

Well, that happened to me tonight. I know it's probably because I've had a lot going on this week, and I've been under a lot of stress, and once that stress builds up to a certain point, it needs somewhere to go. So I went and worked out for about an hour and a half and that helped. But I had plans on watching a movie with a friend tonight. That didn't work out, and when I found out it wasn't going to happen, the pity-party began. I had all this stuff I wanted to get off my mind and talk about with my friend, but she had been gone and wasn't getting back to her place until later than she planned. So I just stayed in my room and knitted while watching a movie. (My one month without movies ended a little earlier than intended.)

And then I got on Facebook and checked some messages that I had waiting for me. Earlier this week, I had sent out a few messages to some friends asking if they would support me on my mission trip to South Asia in January. Well, one of my friends from high school said she'd been praying about it and that she wants to give $10 a month until I leave for the trip. How awesome is that?

And with that message, God kind of jerked my attention away from me and all the petty things I had been dwelling on tonight and back to his awesome glory. He reassured me how much He's already taken care of this trip. He showed me how much He loves me.

I am so shallow sometimes. I think I have this image of God sometimes that He's mad at me or upset with me or doesn't want to show me favor because I mess up all the time. But that's not God at all. God loves me know matter what I do. He's not mad at me; He finds joy in me. He wants to be with me . . . all the time. He's not upset with me. I know He wants more of my time all the time, but He's not sitting in heaven waiting for moments to strike bad things into my life. The Bible says ask and by faith you will receive. I prayed the other night that God would show me favor in my fundraising. I prayed that He would reveal to my heart what He has planned for my future. I know God wants me to trust Him more. He wants me to keep in my heart constantly how much He loves me. God doesn't want me to forget that.

So yes, I did have a pity-party tonight, but it didn't last long. God put me in my place, and I am better for it. Satan finds little ways to get in our heads and psych us out about stuff that shouldn't matter, but in the moment does matter. But God has better ways of bringing us back to reality and reminding us of what truly does matter. God is good, all the time, rain or shine, no matter what.

Until next time,
God Bless

South Asia Bound

2010-10-18T18:00:00.002-05:00

In January of 2011, I will be returning to South Asia for a two week long trip with my church in the town I go to college in. We will be working with a church planter, sharing the gospel and ministering to a widow's colony.

The team consists of six individuals including myself. Each person on the team is responsible for raising $2,000.00. This is high due to fuel and food costs.

If you or anyone you know of would like to help me go to South Asia, please leave a comment on my blog with your email address, and I will email you more details about how to donate.

The donation is tax deductible, so keep that in mind.

More importantly, God's word will be spread even further with any little donation you can give.

God Bless.

21 Anyone?

2010-10-18T10:03:00.002-05:00

So 21 is finally here. Today is my birthday. It's kind of funny though how the older you get birthdays seem to be less of a big deal. Maybe it's because this is my 21st one of these suckers. Or maybe it's because I've realized that even though, yes, today I am 21, it doesn't mean life revolves around me for a day. Life is still about God.

Our society implants this lie into our heads that on our birthday we should be pampered and praised. And don't get me wrong, it's nice to have people tell me "Happy Birthday," but shouldn't the praise go to God? He's the one who's got me through these 21 years. If it weren't for Him, I wouldn't be where I am today. He has blessed me more than I could ever imagine.

So today is not about me. Yes, it is my birthday, but praise God. Praise God that he has seen fit to let me live this long. Praise God that, by faith, He has more years for me to live. I wouldn't be having a birthday if weren't for God.

So 21, what's next?

Fighting Back

2010-10-08T22:30:00.004-05:00

(Warning: this is a long post.)

I posted a few days ago that I was giving up television and movies for a month. So far, it's been a week since I've watched any serious TV or watched a movie. Sometimes if I'm at someone's house, they'll have the TV or something, but I make a point not to focus on it or engage in conversation with someone. Tonight, I really wanted to watch a movie with my roommie, but we ended up walking around campus instead. It was so much fun. And it's amazing how much one can get done, especially homework, when one is not glued to a computer or TV screen.

When I returned from the retreat this last weekend, God showed me so much in my life that needs to change. A lot of it can change with my actions, but a lot with my though processes as well.

I know a lot of people in my stage of life, thinking about the future and all, we want to make sure the choices we make fall into the will of God. But think about that statement. God's will for our lives has been in place since the beginning of time. He knows what we're going to do every day for the rest of our lives. Tons of ideas bounce around in my head concerning a career and the future. I could graduate and get a job teaching high school English. I could stay in school and get my master's degree. I could teach English overseas and use that as a mission opportunity. So many options lay before me, but I'm not worried about what I'm supposed to do. God has it already figured out. He just wants me to pick one. The speaker at our retreat last weekend made a good statement. He said that God isn't so much concerned about geography, but that we have a heart willing to go anywhere.

Our speaker also talked about marriage a lot, go figure, since he does a lot of marriage counseling. He talked about how so many young people are worried about whom God has for them to marry. But we shouldn't, nor do we have any right, to worry. God already has that person set in stone. He knows who it is. What we should focus on, instead of that person we've never met, is ourselves. We should be focusing on becoming the person of God we are supposed to be for that person God has for us. Yes, we can pray for our future spouses and ask that God prepares them for marriage, but worrying about them is not going to change anything. What we can change are our sinful ways.

Some of the practical applications that really touched me were how much time and money I spend on myself. I haven't gone shopping as much as I used to. It's just so hard for me to spend money on myself, especially for clothes and things I don't need, when kids starve all over the world and they have nothing. I have enough clothes; I have enough food; God has blessed me with everything I need. So cutting back on spending is really one that spoke to me. Another was the whole TV and movies thing, which I had already given up for one month.

One thing the speaker said that stood out to me was "Fall in love with making other people happy more than yourself." How often do I live by this? How often do I lay my own selfish desires at the feet of the cross and serve others?

One opportunity God has provided for me to serve is tomorrow. An organization will be at our local YMCA called Convoy of Hope. They set up and allow underprivileged families the chance to come in and receive free dental work, free photographs, free haircuts, free food, a chance to hear the gospel and a place for kids to lose their minds and go crazy. So I'm helping with the kids zone tomorrow from 7-4. I'm excited. It will be fun to get more involved with the people of this community.

And another way God has allowed me to serve is that I'm returning to South Asia this January. God is so infinitely good. When I found out this past week, I just wanted to cry with joy. I had a pretty good hunch I would get to go, but when I got the okay, I was ecstatic.

But with all these changes with my actions and my thought and prayer life, I've felt the heat from the enemy. One day this past week, I was in one of my classes, and I was a little frustrated just because of certain things taking place. When I returned to the dorm, I was just so upset and I ended up calling my dad. He had me talk through what was going on, and he made me feel a lot better. I was blowing a little bitty problem out of proportion, and by the time I had that class later in the week, it was much better. I've been extraordinarily busy with the paper and trying to get articles and interviews done, but I'm also thankful for this job. I've met so many people through interviews that I never would've elsewhere. I'm on staff with nine other Christian girls who are so fun to be around and so uplifting. We really do have a fun time in that office.

So yes, the old saying that when you grow closer to God, Satan fights a little harder. Well, I can fight back too. I can fight with prayer and getting in the Word and surrounding myself with people who can encourage me. I've been able to really plug in with my church and my college pastor and his wife. His wife and I have been able to hang out more, and I'm teaching her how to knit so that has allowed us to bond there as well.

Next weekend I'm going home to celebrate my 21st birthday. That just DOES NOT seem possible. I'm bringing one of my best friends home with me, and I'm super stoked. She's amazing and she makes me laugh so much. God has truly blessed me to put her in my life.

So yes, life is busy and crazy and classes are hard and I have a ton of work due this next week, but God is so good. He's absolutely amazing, and if he's taught me one thing this past week, he's taught me that He is enough above all else. He loves me more than I can ever imagine, and I desire to love him even more.

Well, now that I've written half a book, I'll bid you goodnight.
God Bless.

Dying to Self

2010-10-01T14:27:00.003-05:00

This weekend I'm going on a fall retreat with the church I attend. It's a college retreat, and it's the first of anything like this I've ever gone on, with college students anyway. I can't wait to see what God is going to do. I've learned so much already this semester from college Bible study, Sunday sermons, life groups, and my personal time with God, that I know God is going to do great things this weekend.

One thing God has constantly been hammering into my heart and head is the verse in Luke 9:23. It says, "If any one would come after me, he must deny himself, take up his cross daily and follow me." Deny himself. Not sort of, kind of deny himself, but wholehearted denial to the flesh. Andrew Murray, one of the most awesome authors of his day, says it like this, "We are either denying self or denying Christ." I don't want to deny Christ. Peter denied Christ three times, and until he came to the end of himself, he didn't truly realize what dying to self meant.

I think I've heard the phrase "take up your cross daily" my whole life, but never until now have I understood what it means. It's just another example of how we die to self. Jesus took up his cross and died for our sins. When we take up our crosses, it should be to die to our sins as well, every single day.

Lately, it seems my days are so routine, routine with busy schedules for work and school, but still routine. I've also noticed that I spend too much time watching TV shows and movies. Well, God spoke to me the other day. I was reading an article at setapartgirl.com, a wonderful site by the way, and it just hit me so hard how much time I waste. I could spend that time in the Word or ministering to others. Yet I sit on my butt watching things that most of the time aren't even that great. So I've decided to go a month with no TV and no movies. Yeah, it seems a little over the top, but this needs to happen. I started this adventure two days ago, and I will be sure to let you know how it proceeds.

God has called me to more than just the mediocre Christian existence. I don't want to look back on this part of my life when I'm 45 and wonder what happened. I don't want to just go to church and play "Christian." God keeps telling me over and over again, "It's not about you." Something will happen with school work, "It's not about you." I'll get stressed over the newspaper, "It's not about you." I'll find that I haven't had quite as much sleep as I had wanted, and I'm a little cranky; "It's not about you."

This is not an easy lesson to learn, especially in a culture that tells us every day that life is about us. But Jesus did not come to the earth for himself, and we are to live a life that mirrors his, then our existence here should not be about ourselves either. You can't get around that.

So as I go on this retreat this weekend, I hope God just rocks my world. I know he will because I have the faith that he will. He's such a big God.

If you don't mind, I have a few things you can pray about this weekend:
1. Pray that the students going on this retreat will see God move and hear his voice in a way they never have. Pray they are open to the Holy Spirit and what He wants to do in their lives.

2. Pray for me because I kind of have the whole nasal/sinus inflammation thing going on, and I don't want to get worse over the weekend. I'm also leading a small group over the weekend, so pray that God equips me for that.

3. I know God has called me to return to South Asia, and I'm hoping it's in January. Our college pastor hasn't given us a final team list yet, but pray that if it is God's will, I would be able to go. That place has a hold on my heart, and I'm ready to go.

God Bless

My Copyright Action Plan

2010-09-21T14:59:00.002-05:00

Copyright can be a sticky subject. When most people hear that word, they tend to shy around any associations with it. But in education teachers have to face the realities that copyright issues bring into the classroom. They aren't fun, and most teachers don't sit down excited to deal with copyright, but it may keep a teacher out of jail and in possession of their teacher's license.

One aspect of copyright that I did not know that surely will impact my classroom is the issue of copying books or workbooks. Since I will teach English, it could be tempting to copy large amounts of books for students to read if copies of the book provided by school aren't available. But this is illegal. According to the columbia.edu site for fair use checklist, it is possible to copy small quantities of a book, like a page or two, but copying a whole chapter or a whole book, is simply not allowed. So, if I want students to be able to read one book at the same time, I will either have to find copies of the book or find a different book.

Another aspect of copyright I had never thought of is if I wanted to show a taping of a TV show in my classroom. Sometimes authors are interviewed or a certain literary period is spotlighted on TV. According to the fair use standards at stanford.edu, it is only legal to show a recorded TV segment on a tape within ten school days after the airing of the show. After that, it must be destroyed if permission has not been granted to incorporate the tape into the teaching criteria. If no permission is granted, in 45 days, it must be destroyed. If I want to show a taped program, I'll have to show it within the ten days of its airing, or ask the producer of the show if I can have permission to incorporate it into my teaching curriculum.

A third aspect of copyright I had never taken into account is that textbooks cannot be copied according to the TEACH Act from copyright.com. Textbooks cannot be copied and neither can digital content that may come with the textbook, like the CD. This could also pose a problem for an English teacher because with literary textbooks that include many different works from authors, it would be easy to copy pages out of them if the teacher didn't want to use the whole textbook. But this is not allowed. Buy the textbook, one for every student, but don't copy any part of it.

Many more possibilities involve copyright do's and don'ts, but these are three of the many I feel will impact my classroom the greatest.

As Life Goes

2010-09-14T00:29:00.002-05:00

So, you know a couple of posts ago when I mentioned how nervous I was about talking to my parents about my going on a mission trip in January? Well, guess what? I sent my parents a letter and received my mom's response letter today. She basically told me I had her blessing to go if it's God's will. She told me she knew God was going to use me someday, but she didn't know how or when. I cried when I read her letter.

God is just so unbelievably good. This time last year, I was having the hardest time with classes and just getting settled with things. But now, God has taken me under his wing and things are great. Yeah, Satan likes to get in there and poke his ugly head up sometimes, but I know God prevails in the end. I still haven't found a job off-campus, but now that the paper has picked back up, I'm working more hours and God has allowed to me to see that maybe I wouldn't have time for a job off-campus. I don't know.

I've also been praying about if I'm really supposed to live off-campus next semester. I think I've thought about it so much because I know I can and it seems fun, but maybe I'm not supposed to. It would mean finding money for rent each month instead of just paying for housing all at once to the college. Maybe I'm supposed to wait and find a place to move into for the summer. I don't know, but I know God has a plan.

With other news, I went to a Zumba party last Friday night. If you don't know what Zumba is, I wish you did. It's the most amazing form of exercise ever to hit the country, in my opinion anyway. My college offers like five classes a week, and one of the instructors told us about this Zumba party. It was held in a town about forty-five minutes away from here, and it lasted for an hour and a half. A normal Zumba class at my college lasts about forty-five minutes. But it was amazing. I don't think I had ever sweat so much in my life. We danced to 24 songs, and it's all like Latin and cha-cha dances. It was amazing. Over 200 women attended.

I was in tap dance when I was like five, but I had never really danced since then until going to Zumba. It's so fun, and you get a great workout. Anyway, if you're looking for a fun way to get in shape, try to find a Zumba class near you. It's so worth it.

Anyway, I've got an eight o'clock class in the morning, and it's twenty til one. I'll update more later.

God Bless.

Multimedia in my Classroom

2010-09-07T09:47:00.002-05:00

After looking through the site Free Technology for Educators, many avenues of multimedia are highlighted for potential use. Likewise, EduBlogs, presents several options educators of all fields can use to incorporate multimedia in the classroom.

Audio and video are two developing media that can change how a student learns in my classroom. With video, students can manage and make projects in the classroom. By investing so much time and energy into something so intriguing, the student will retain more about the project and be interested in it to a great level.

Audio plays the same role. Podcasts used to just be for important people recording important information. But why not use them in the classroom? To record a lecture or a discussion session, or to even record an oral report by a group of students; this medium of technology could prove more useful than ever thought possible.

Before computers and multimedia were available for classroom use, students had limits on their access of the outside world. Now, with computer labs building in schools and computers in classrooms, students have an open horizon of possibilities of how their method of education can change. Students will no longer dread coming to class to sit and listen to a boring lecture. Instead, they will come excited because they know they will get to make a recording of their oral presentation or interact with the Smart Board. Students are not going to strive to succeed if the classroom is not a welcoming environment. When the lecture is boring and the homework is tiresome, it will not grab their interest.

With times changing the way they are and students understanding how to work these forms of multimedia, why not adapt and change as well? It is time; it will improve learning for the students and for the teachers as well.

Just some thoughts

2010-08-31T23:03:00.004-05:00

The following things you will shortly read have floated around in my head for quite some time. It makes sense to sit down and hash them out with words and maybe even get a little feedback from my readers, however few they may be. I don't know how much sense any of this will make, but here it goes.

At the beginning of the summer, I traveled with a team of students here at the university I attend to South Asia for a mission trip. The trip amazed me, and God revealed things to me through the experiences of the trip I would not have learned here in the United States. Well, to make a long story short, I returned to college and found out the church I attend plans to take a collegiate mission trip to this same location this winter. Of course, this instantly spoke to my heart, and it intrigued me. The trip costs less than it did with the university, and I already own all the clothes and necessities I would need for the trip. I know if God wants me to go, he'll provide a way to raise the funds, and it will work itself out.

And then I think about how I want to move off-campus next semester and how much that will cost. I wonder if my parents will not want me to go on the mission trip because they want me to stay here and work to pay for rent if and when I move off-campus. I just hate talking with my parents right now about money because money runs low right now, and I know we don't have a lot of it. Living off-campus and paying rent means more up-front costs every month, and I won't have the meal plan the university offers so we would have to work out a plan for food as well. In the long run, it would be cheaper than living in the dorm, but I don't know what parents will say. And if I can't find another job besides the newspaper, then living off-campus or the mission trip might be out of the question all together.

But these musings find company with one thought that remains in my head on a regular basis and has resided there longer than any of the above thoughts. On May 15, 2009, (yes, I still remember the date), I received a response email from a publishing company to whom I had sent the manuscript of my book. The author acquisitions representative told me in the email that her company wanted to publish my book. I reread the email tonight--being a good idea or not--and the butterflies in my stomach were still there as my eyes graced across those words. They only take 4% of the tens of thousands of submissions they receive every year. But--yeah, here's the catch--to publish with this company would cost me a whoppin' $4,000. I do not have this money. But every time I hear this some or think about what I would do with a large some of money, I think about my book. I just want to hold it in my hands and know that it belongs to me. I also know that publishing this book represents the selfish desires in my heart, my selfish flesh.

So every time I get to this point where I can't decide what I'm supposed to do with my life or the near future, I have to ask myself, "What is the most selfless? What would Jesus do?" And of course, I find a pull back to the mission trip. But then I wonder if that too constitutes selfishness because it would be easier on my parents financially if I stayed here and worked. Maybe a win-win situation does not exist. I don't know. But I do know that God is good. He is fantastically and amazingly sovereign and good. I believe he will fulfill the desires of my heart in ways I cannot imagine. I also know he knows best for me; better than what I know for myself.

But those desires to go on the mission trip, live off-campus and save every penny I can to publish my story root deep in my heart. The roots run deep, and I have a passion for missions just as I have a passion to hold this story in my hands bound in a cover. It's sad that all these issues hinge on money. Why money? But I know God can do anything. Anything.

Thank goodness God exemplifies goodness because if not, all the above mess going on in my head right now would just be a whole lot messier and crazier. Thank goodness. Thank goodness for my awesome, loving God.

Until next time,
God Bless

Media in my Classroom

2010-08-28T10:36:00.005-05:00

On the website The Journal: Transforming Education through Technology, an article discusses how one can incorporate technology in the classroom. The article is entitled Enticing Teachers to Try Technology. Some teachers are hesitant when it comes to using new technology in the classroom, but this article shows how it can be done effectively and well.

One media I had never considered using in the classroom would be a blog for students to use to discuss homework or group projects. It could be set up where all the students know the user name and password, and they could collaborate as a whole. A blog would encourage learning and thinking without constant input from me, the teacher. I would, of course, step in when questions needed answered, but it would be about the students figuring out problems together. Another aspect of a blog would be for students to set up their own individual blog and use it as an online journal for which I would give points and check regularly.

Another aspect of media I had not considered also mentioned in the above article is storing students' work in an online portfolio. In my high school English class, we kept portfolios, but they were kept in bulky binders easy to mess up and get lost. Using an online portfolio would ensure the student would never lose his or her portfolio, and it would be kept neat and organized. Pieces from expository work to short stories would be kept organized. An online portfolio is an English teacher's dream.

Skype is now a growing trend across the nation, but the last place I would have ever considered using it is the classroom. But it makes sense. If an author of a book or a speaker would be ideal to have in class, but just not realistic, Skype makes the impossible possible. Using an Internet connection, a web cam, and hooking up a computer's screen to a larger television screen, the author or speaker would be right there in the classroom. Students would have the opportunity to ask him or her questions, and time is saved in the long run.

Most teachers usually just hand out assignments as the year progresses, and the students, especially if no syllabus is given, have no idea what is coming or what to expect. A class website could be set-up to house an online syllabus with upcoming assignments, test reviews, study guides, and extra practice for students if they did not understand a concept during class. Discussion boards for students and parents would also be located here. This ideal element works because so many times students don't know what to expect and with this, no one would be in the dark.

These technology developments would influence my method of teaching in a number of ways. Classroom time would be managed better. The students would learn how to work better in the classroom since they are already working together on the blog discussions hopefully making class discussions deeper and longer. I won't be limited to just the items I have in my classroom. I can use the Internet and give examples and ask the students to interact through the Smart Board and other programs.

Some media might not be conducive to an in-class structure. I would use considerations such as what will save the most time, explain the subject the best, and invite the most student interaction. The more hands on time the students have and more brainstorming together, the better they will remember the material.

Becoming a blogger

2010-08-24T16:28:00.004-05:00

Today was my second day of classes, and it went well. I had three classes today, and two of them are with my best friend Tarah. It was so fun. Our last class of the day was a class called Technology for Educators as Tarah and I are both studying to become teachers. One of the requirements for the class is to set up a Google account and to start blogging!!!!

Well, Tarah has never blogged before, and I had the privilege of teaching Tarah how to set up a blog. It's so much fun. I never thought blogger would be this much fun before, but it totally is.

Anyway, I will update more about classes when I have time later.

Until next time,
God Bless

My Home Away from Home

2010-08-22T00:40:00.004-05:00

I returned to college today. This is the third time I've moved into the same room, and it almost felt like I was a freshman all over again. My friend Mel came up to the room and met my parents, and she also helped me unpack a few things in my room. I just love that girl. She's so sweet and fun.

Then Tarah and I hung out for awhile and just chatted and caught up on a lot of things. I've missed her so much. She helped me hang some posters in my room. She's so bubbly and full of life. I love to laugh with her.

After I dropped Tarah off at her apartment (because she had ridden with me to the dorm), I went to my college pastor's house to see Mel. (She was my college pastor's wife's roommate in college, so now she rents a room in their house.) We got to chat and just relax. I hung out at (we'll call it D and L's house) D and L's house all the time last semester, so just getting to sit and relax was so needed. It was also so nice to feel warmed and welcomed back into their family. That even though we've had three months of summer between us, nothing has changed.

It feels so good to be back. I know without a shadow of a doubt this is where God wants me right now. And I'm so happy to be here. I'm so blessed with a plethora of loving friends that God has so richly provided.

Tomorrow my parents are coming to church with me, and then afterward we'll probably go out to eat somewhere. Then they'll go home. But I will stay here. When I was freshman, I was told that for awhile college wouldn't feel like home, but neither would home. And then after awhile everywhere starts to feel like home. I agree with that. My home feels like home, but this dorm room that I've occupied for the past two years is also my home. My college pastor's house is my home. That hotel in South Asia that we stayed at for two weeks is my home. Home is where the heart is. And maybe I've left bits of my heart everywhere I've been. So maybe I should've entitled this post "My Home (Not) Away from Home"?

Classes start Monday, and then it's back to the grindstone. But I'm glad. I've missed the routine. And I can't wait to see what God has in store for this year.

Until next time,
God Bless

Hello Again

2010-07-30T12:51:00.002-05:00

I'm sorry I haven't been able to post in awhile. I've been busy, and my computer hasn't been working properly. Right now it's in the shop. I'm at my aunt and uncle's rental house in Tulsa watching my two little cousins while my aunt and uncle go to see a movie or two. And then tomorrow, my family and I head to Colorado for a whitewater rafting trip. I'm so excited. But let me fill you in on what I've been doing all summer.

After the school year was finished, I went home for one day and then headed back to Missouri to head out for my mission trip to South Asia. I was gone for two weeks, and let me tell you, God did a great work in my heart. I saw things I would have never seen here in the United States, and God revealed to me just how enormously blessed I am in every aspect of my life.

Our plane ride there and back was about fourteen hours both ways. When we landed it was about eight o'clock on a Tuesday night. By the time we got to the hotel it was close to eleven and we had to be up the next morning by four to leave for the train station by five to get there by six. I didn't get much sleep that night. Then we had an eight hour train ride to our final destination, and that was very interesting. I saw quite a bit on that train ride as I had a window seat. Some things I was glad I saw and other things, not so glad.

When we arrived at our destination, I'll call it B, the missionaries who met us at the train took us to our hotel, we rested for awhile, and then they took us a part of B called New Market. It was quite a shock and probably not the best place they should've taken us on our first full day in this country. But everything was fine, although I wasn't prepared for the begging we would encounter. It was so sad, and I hated to see the poverty of the people.

The next few days were filled with ministering to people at a church, visiting a Muslim mosque, traveling to a city a few hours away I'll call I, and then a few of the girls and guys on our team got sick including me. It was not fun, and I couldn't really eat anything for about three days. But our missionary got us some medicine, and that did the trick. When we returned to B, we went to a church on our first night back and experienced the way the people of this country, Christians in this country, worship. It was beautiful. They greeted us with, "Praise the Lord," or the equivalent in their language. They were so full of joy. It was hard coming back to the states and seeing the expressionless faces at church. The people of this country aren't as free to worship as we are so they take advantage of every opportunity they have. It was sweltering hot and many people were sitting on the floor, but out of the three hours we were there, no one complained.

A few nights later, we did some more discipleship with some young people from this church in the living room of the pastor. We rode up to the house and on one side of the street was a slum, and then on the other side were these normal houses (or at least normal by their standards). Outside on of the houses was this little girl wearing nothing more but a little piece of red cloth wrapped around the middle of her body. She was sitting on a pile of chat, and she was alone. I don't know who she belonged to, but the picture of that little girl will never leave my mind for as long as I live. It was so sad.

I saw many pictures like this one. On the second Monday of our trip we returned to New Market, and this little girl tried to grab my satchel off my person. It was over my shoulder, so she couldn't get it, but it was so sad. Who knows who these children work for if they really are just poor. We were pestered by little children and elderly ladies as beggars mostly.

After we visited our main tourist attraction, we were set to head back to our departure city, and this little boy and little girl were trying to get us to give them money. We gave them food, but no money. We were told not to give any of the children or any beggars money.

It was good to return home, but at first it was hard because I felt like I didn't deserve anything I had when the people we encountered had nothing. But I realized that God placed me here for a reason. I'm to be thankful for what I have, eternally thankful.

It took me about two and a half weeks to find a job when I returned home. I finally found one at a restaurant in my hometown washing dishes. Talk about eating humble pie. It's not the funnest job, but it pays money. I only have two more weeks of work left, so it's all right with me.

And about getting back to college......well, let's just say I've never been so excited in my life to get back to college. I miss the atmosphere, my friends, my normal routine; everything that has to do with college. I probably won't live at home next summer. I'm hoping to move off campus next semester to save money, but if I rent an apartment with someone, there will be no point in coming home. And it will be easier to have a summer job.

So anyway, this is kind of an overview of my summer. Not the most exciting thing, but I am super excited to go whitewater rafting and the mission trip was awesome. I will never forget it.

God has been showing me so much about life and drawing me to him in ways he never has. Our relationship is growing deeper, and as you can see by the new title of my blog, he's teaching me more about grace and the depth of his love. I love him so much, and that's all that matters to me right now.

Well, I'll probably start blogging again when I return to college. Until then.

God Bless.

Just a happy girl

2010-05-17T18:57:00.003-05:00

I ran into a little man from Panama today. No, I didn't hit him with my car, but I met him after dinner as I was walking back to my dorm. He's visiting from Panama because he helps orchestrate trips that my college takes to Panama. He was probably about half a foot shorter than me, but the joy he had radiated from him. He was very nice, and he told me he was a pastor in Panama.

As we were talking, which ended up being for thirty minutes, he told me that I was very pretty, but that I also seemed very happy with myself. I think that's the nicest compliment I've been paid in a long time. It was so nice. As I walked away from this enlightening conversation, I thanked God for it. He told me I seemed happy, and I am happy. I'm happy with the direction my life is headed. I'm happy with me. Yeah, I may not be a size 6 and some days I don't do as well as could in college with classes and all that, but I'm happy. I have so much to be happy for.

But more than just happiness, I know that God has filled my life with joy. If joy wasn't in my heart, I wouldn't be happy. I love taking a situation that could be just downright awful and making it better. Whether that includes a little sarcasm or just knowing that the situation could always be worse; I know that God has put this joy in my heart. I love to laugh. I absolutely love to laugh. A belly laugh that ends up hurting so badly you can't breathe is one of my favorite things.

I realized after this little Panamanian man told me I was happy that despite how often I complain about my appearance or my size that things could be worse. I can get around, I can move, I'm pretty healthy. I'm pretty happy with what life has thrown me. I'm excited that God has allowed me to go on this trip halfway across the world. He's given me a passion for his Word that I get to take to others; a passion for the gift that God has given the world.

Yes, I am happy. God is good. Life is wonderful. I am blessed beyond reason. ....And I only have four more days of school. Yay. Well, I must study for five finals. And I don't know if I will post again before I leave, but you better believe I'll have lots to post when I get back. Pictures galore.

A Simple Girl

2010-05-07T23:17:00.004-05:00

I like the way cedar wood smells. I don't know what it is about that smell, but I really do like it. Someday I want a big desk in an apartment where I can have my laptop and books and folders all spread out. I want an Alaskan Husky someday. And I want to teach. I want to teach students how to love English and how to fall in love with words. I am simple. This is who God created me to be and that's okay.

A few circumstances happened this week that caused me to realize just how sheltered I still am. Even though I don't live with my parents anymore and even though I'm not under their control all the time, I still have the same mindset I did when I lived at home. I'm still naive about so many things. I'm inexperienced with so many areas of life. And I'm just simple. It doesn't take much to make me happy. God has made me a complex human being in the physical sense of the word because anyone who can watch TV and hold a conversation on the phone while being on the Internet is a little complex (yes I can do all these things at the same time). But when it comes down to it, I don't require much. Simple movies about two people falling in love work fine. A walk in the park is a fine activity for me. One or two people is all the company I need. Any more and I need to leave.

The world would tell me that I should broaden my horizons. The world would try to persuade me to become more experienced and know more about the elements of life. But what is wrong with being simple, innocent? What is wrong with having dreams that may not entail the biggest and the grandest of goals? God creates us to be who he wants us to be. I have no problem being simple. I would rather be inexperienced than hurt so many times by the world that waking up everyday is difficult.

I like a hand-written letter. I like the long sigh that comes after a heart-felt belly laugh, especially when two people have that long sigh at the same time. We, as humans, may be complex creatures with complex systems raging inside of us, but God gave us the capacity to value the simplicity of life. I love a good play, especially when the people in it are people you know. They simply become someone totally different and they are no longer Zach or Holly. They become a new individual who doesn't know who Zach or Holly is.

When people ask me what I love to do, I usually say I love to write. Most people get this look on their faces that says, "Really?" And yes, although it may be unorthodox and maybe a little boring, that is what makes me so unbelievably happy. That and reading. :)

So yes, I may be a simple girl with simple wishes and simple dreams, but maybe in all actuality they really aren't simple at all. After all, they are from God.

Winding Down.....Maybe

2010-04-27T22:03:00.002-05:00

So, we have around two and a half weeks of classes left plus a week of finals. I'm glad this semester is finally winding down. It's been busy, but not as busy as last semester. It doesn't seem possible that this time next month, I will be half way across the world in Asia. I can't believe it. And I will have enough hours underneath my belt to call myself a junior in college. That means that I will be half way done with college. Ahhhh!!!!! That doesn't seem possible.

But it's been a good first half. I've learned lots of things. Being on the newspaper staff has taught me a lot as well. I was also told today by one of my guy friends that I have a glow about me that wasn't there last semester. It was nice to hear that. I think I'm not as up tight and serious as I have been, um, let's see, my whole life. I've always been this uptight "Christian" girl who has had this ideal that you can't have fun and still be a Christian. News flash: you can. You can have lots of fun.

Anyway, I've been offered a position at our school's writing center. It is a place for students to come and get help with papers and English stuff. Stuff that I like. It would be so much less stress than the newspaper would be. I would be done by four every afternoon, I wouldn't have deadlines or interviews, and it would be just less stress in general. The only thing that would stop that from happening is if they couldn't get another campus employment spot for me because I don't qualify for work study. I just know this would help with English learning in general and just being more aware of English rules. I would love it. (I sound like a nerd. :) )

I've been learning more about where I stand with God. I think I've been rushing this maturing process. Not that I'm rebelling against God or anything, but I think I've been trying to learn things and be someone I'm not. I have an ideal in my head of what my "Christian" walk with the Lord should look like, but that's just it. It's an ideal. It's a perfect picture. The realistic picture of walking with Christ through life is a relationship, not an ideal version of something. It's messy and gross and sometimes, you just have to learn things for yourself despite what you've been told all your life. I'm finally learning what the phrase "making your faith your own" really means. In a way, it means finding God on your own terms and getting to know him in a relationship. Not in the way your Baptist Sunday school teacher said was the right way 15 years ago, but the way the Bible says to. I'm not saying the Sunday school teacher was wrong, but the faith I have in God has to be real for me for it to work. I don't know if I'm making any sense here.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the notion of a quiet time. I don't like that notion. How logical of a scenario is this? Let's say I were to get married. The only thing is that I only talked to my husband for an hour out of the day. Just one hour. Then, for the rest of the day, I didn't even acknowledge his presence. That's not a relationship. That's just weird. I don't know what that is. It's certainly not logical. What's the point of being married to someone if you're not going to talk to them? I think God probably feels the same with us. Why are we even in a relationship with him if we don't communicate with him ALL THE TIME? And it's not like we need an appointment or a reservation to talk to God. He's always free. This has kind of bitten me in the butt a little bit lately. I've been so focused on just having that one time of the day when I talk to him that I haven't talked to him at all. And that is not okay. I think it just took a little bit of stepping back and getting back to the basics of what my relationship with God is, right now. Not what I want it to be or what it used to be. But what it is and where God, not myself, wants to take it.

So, yeah, just some things I've been thinking about lately.

The semester is winding down, but right when it will be over, it will pick back up again. Please pray for our team as we prepare for our mission trip. Thank you.

Until next time.

A Lonely Day

2010-04-11T19:35:00.002-05:00

I think about once a month I just have a very sad, depressing day. Today is that day for me. This mood swing probably has to do with something else, but I just can't shake it when it comes. Tomorrow I'll probably be fine. I'm just not happy today, and yes, as the title of this post says, I'm a little lonely.

God keeps bringing opportunities into my life to be alone. He wants me to talk to him more. He wants me to sit and share my feelings with him, but some days, like today, I need physical company. I don't know what to do with loneliness on days like today. God is not a god of confusion. God is good. I believe these two statements with all my heart, but when I'm in a mood like I'm in today, confusion is the only thing going on in my head.

I wish I could take time away from school and get away with God for an extended period of time. I wish I had more time to devote to reading the Bible and praying. I know God loves me and has awesome things in store for me, but when my best friend and her best friend have boyfriends and I'm left out of their little fun and games, it's hard to get my mind off me.

Life is not about me. Life is not about my feelings, and life is not about whether I feel lonely or not. God loves me. But some days, my brain just doesn't register that. It's like something in my brain blocks that fact from traveling to my heart. Other days it travels just fine. I want to quit having these days when I feel so low that nothing is going to help. On days like this, I want my mom. I want to hang out with all my friends and have a movie party and just be together. But I know what I need most. I need God. I need a great big dose of God.

Tomorrow will probably be so much better. I don't know why today isn't. Until next time.

2010-04-06T16:17:00.003-05:00

So I've added a little something to my blog, and I just wanted a post to try out how this looks. It was really fun to do, and I just like the look of it.

The weather here is beautiful, and I think I've finally made up my mind about what I'm going to do for my major. I think I'm going with journalism and English. That's where I feel my heart tugged more, and writing is what I love to do.

Easter was good. I didn't go home because spring break had been just five days before. I stayed here and hung out at my college pastor's house all weekend long. I was sitting in church on Sunday, and although the message wasn't the traditional Easter message, I think it touched me more than any Easter message ever has. I keep thinking about how God chose to send his son to the earth to pay for our sins before sin ever entered the earth. God loved us before we ever had a chance to live. I've been whining about not having a guy, but I have God. His love is far and above any love this world can offer. Now don't get me wrong, I long to find that love on the earth someday, but it won't consume me.

There is a song by Tenth Avenue North, a Christian band, called "Love is here." The chorus reads as follows: "Love is here, love is now. Love is pouring from his hands, from his brow. Love is near, it satisfies. Streams of mercy flowing from his side. Love is here."

We sang that song at church on Sunday, and it just kind of hit me. I've been waiting for love to show up, but it's been here all along. I just have to embrace God in all his splendor. God is so unfathomably good.

So next time you walk outside and see the flowers that are in bloom and the trees leafing out, remember that God loved you before he even created them. What a way to think of spring.

The Time Traveler's Wife

2010-04-02T22:45:00.004-05:00

I watched a movie tonight called The Time Traveler's Wife. If you went to the movies at all last fall or have rented any movies that came out last fall, you might have seen the preview for this movie. I did. I saw it preview many times. Every time I saw the preview, I wrote the movie off as probably being lame and unrealistic. But after watching it tonight, I must disagree with myself. The movie is exceptional. No, it's not the most moral and ideal movie, and granted it is very depressing and I did cry, but when it was over I was so thankful God doesn't create people who time travel.

The movie may not teach some great upstanding, noteworthy lesson, but I think it helps the viewers cherish the people in our lives even more, which may be even more valuable than a noteworthy lesson. Lessons are forgetten, but after experiencing that movie, I don't think I could ever forget to appreciate another person who is close to me.

If you've read my blog for any number of days, you know that falling in love in the future is something for which I dearly hope. I want to fall in love, and I want to experience that love to the fullest measure I can. But if I had to experience the kind of love that Clare, the wife in the movei, experiences, I don't know what I would do. At the end, relief washed over me that I will never have to experience that. True, I won't know when my husband is going to die or that I will give birth to a child as Clare found in the movie, but I think the only person who should be able to know those things is God. And I think God doesn't want to tell us all those details because they would be too overwhelming for us. Part of me does want to know those things, but they are better left in God's hands.

Our last reading assignment in American Literature was to read a set of poems written by William Carlos Williams. I had never heard of Williams before this assignment, and as I began reading the poems I wondered if the man was mentally okay when he wrote them. But then I came to his last poem. The name of it was "The Ivy Crown." This is the poem.

Please read it. It's beautiful. I think I've read it nine times. I don't know what prompted Williams to write it, but that is the kind of love I want. The poem mentions a line that says, "I love you or I do not live at all." I want to find that person who I won't be able to live without; that getting out of bed everyday won't be worth it unless that person is alive. I must clarify, of course, that God makes every day worth while, and I know that it doesn't matter if I never meet than man because God will always be enough. But that part of me still exists that wants that intimacy with another human being. God created that in me, and I would be lying to say that didn't exist.

At the very end of the poem, it says that love is past all accident. That is so true. Thank goodness God orchestrates our love lives, our careers, everything about us. I'm just so blessed knowing God already has someone out there for me. I don't have to worry about how long it will be until I find him or how long I will spend with him. I have a great faith that all in God's timing I will be blessed beyond my wildest dreams.

This poem shows me that even though hard times come, we work through them and we will our way through the briars. God brings people into our lives, and we should appreciate them, love them and be as intentional as we can with them. We never know when they could be taken from us. I want this poem read at my wedding. I may change my thoughts by then, but right now, I'm thankful for the lesson it teaches me.

Please read the poem, and please watch the movie. I never thought I would feel so strongly about a movie or a poem, but God can use anything he wants, can't he?

Well, until we next meet.

Back From Break

2010-03-28T19:48:00.003-05:00

I'm back from spring break. It was good, but it's always nice to get back to the normal groove of things. Two months from today, I'll be in Asia. That doesn't seem possible. It also doesn't seem possible that I'll be halfway done with school in two months. I'm still praying about what it is I'm supposed to do with my life. I sat in on my high school English teacher's classroom all day last Thursday. It was a good day, and I was able to help my teacher a lot, but it almost bored me. I don't know if it was because I just graded papers and wasn't actually teaching or what. I just don't know.

It all comes down to this final bottom line every single time I mull this over in my head: I love to write. If God would plop down a book career in my lap tomorrow, I would major in writing tomorrow. But I just don't foresee that happening. I know I would enjoy working at a newspaper, magazine or publishing company. I could do so much majoring in English and in Journalism. I would have two degrees, and the possibilities would be endless. But I also don't want to jump ahead of what God has in store for me.

I found out over break that I didn't make the cut for the RA position for the second year in a row. I was really disappointed, and now it makes things kind of complicated as far as living arrangements go for the fall. I planned on being a RA and having a room to myself, but now I don't know what I'm going to do. I know that God has a plan. I can say that, but it's so hard to believe it sometimes. I feel like this semester God has brought things into my life, I've set my sights high on attaining them, and then in the most inopportune moments, my hopes are dashed. It's not the most fun experience, and to be honest, I'm a little sick of it. I know, like I said earlier, that God has a plan for me, but it seems like sometimes that plan takes forever to unwind. That's why I have to pray for patience......all the time.

Well, I've got a busy month ahead of me. Thank goodness, this Friday we don't have classes because of Good Friday. The next weekend, I'm going to Kansas City for a newspaper conference, the next weekend I may be going home (not sure yet), and then the weekend after that I have security training for my mission trip that will take up most of the weekend. And by that time, I will have a month of school left.

Be praying that I get more funding for my trip. I'm at around a little more than half, but I still need the whole thing to be able to go. I know God will provide, but just pray that he opens up doors in that area. Pray for my spirit as well. I've been just a little down lately. This break was fun, but I have a family member who is very sick, and it's just hard seeing someone that sick.

That was a fun post. Sorry it was kind of a downer.

A Lazy Day

2010-03-15T15:53:00.004-05:00

Thank you to those who shared your encouraging comments on the previous post. They helped a lot.

Today is a very lazy day. I was going to go work out this morning and then going to go to a work-out class this afternoon. Well, it wasn't the most ideal time of the month (if you know what I mean), and so I called my mom and we talked for awhile. She told me I should just curl up in my bed and rest. I agreed wholeheartedly. The good thing (well, I don't know if this is good or not) about this not so ideal time of the month is that I never feel like eating. Sometimes that's not good, but it just kind of gives my body a rest because anything I do eat makes me feel miserable. So, I've just been having a very lazy day. I'm working on RA stuff, and then trying to find time to study for my three mid-terms I have this week. Woot woot. Not really. Anyway, and yes, my friend and I got to talk today, and we've scheduled some girl time this week. I'm excited. I think it will be good. I think I need to rule out blogging late at night because that is usually not a very good time of day for me as far as my thoughts go. Everything seems worse at the end of the day.

But anyway, thanks for all of you who commented on my previous post. Just keep praying for me. Until next time.

Growing up can sometimes, well.....you'll see

2010-03-13T23:02:00.003-06:00

I've realized over the couple of months, weeks and days that certain parts of growing up aren't as fun as others. For one, living on your own without a roommate just isn't that fun sometimes. I mean, I love having my own room and having all the extra space, but at the end of the day, it would be nice to be able to talk to someone. Yeah, I have friends I talk to, but when that certain friend who is usually always there for you gets a boyfriend, your problems suddenly pale in comparison. I called my friend the other night at 11:41 because I needed to talk to her about something. Well, she didn't answer her phone. I thought maybe she went to sleep because she goes to bed early.....usually. Turns out, she was with her boyfriend...at 11:41 at night, alone, in a car. THEY WERE OUT UNTIL 3! She never stays up with me that late, ever. But yet she can stay up with him.

I just don't understand. For a long time, I've wanted a boyfriend. But if this is what would end up happening, I think I'll pass for awhile. My friends are so much more important than a boy. I have two more years of college left. To some, that's not much, but to me, that means I still have four more semesters to hang out with friends, enjoy life, and make more friends. I can't really do all that when I'm tied down by a boy. Yes, parts of me do want someone sometimes, but that's when I go to God or go see a friend or do something and remember that someday my time will come. That time is not now. I haven't seen this girl hardly at all because she's with him all the time. I just wish I could hang out with her more. I remember all the fun times we used to have, and we haven't had any of those in a long time.

The bright side about all this is that God has allowed me to branch out and make new friends and build new relationships. And I love doing that. But it just stinks because I miss what this girl and I used to be. We used to be so close. And now, I feel like I hardly know her. I don't want to lose this friendship. But I know it's going to take both of us working for it. It just stinks when she's not working as hard as I am.

On a more positive note, we had our mission trip retreat this weekend, and it was a lot of fun. We stayed the night at our leader's house, and it was really homey and cozy. We got to know our team really well, and I can now see why God brought all of us together. I can't wait to go to South Asia. It's going to be awesome. And it doesn't seem possible that it's two months away.

I keep thinking about the future and what God has planned for me. I watched a movie with--as ironic as this is--the roommate of the girl I've been talking about. She's on the mission team with me. It's such a nice little circle. Anyway, this movie is "Must Love Dogs." If you haven't seen it, it's quite cute. Anyway, the main character dog sits her brother's dog all the time. The dog is a lab, and it's beautiful. When I saw the image of this huge dog climbing in bed with this single, middle-age woman, that's what I wanted. Not to be single when I'm 40 by any means, but to just have a dog and be able to live independently for awhile. Not for forever, but for awhile.

God has laid it upon me so heavily that before I'm ever going to find anyone that I can love in a romantic sort of way that I'm going to have know who I am in him. I don't know that yet. Some days I accept myself: my size, my weight, my appearance, my personality. Other days, I spend the day comparing myself to everyone else. I don't want to do the latter for the rest of my life. I want to wake up and know without a shadow of the doubt that I am beautiful. Not because a man says I am, but because God says I am in his Word. God created me in his image, and he will love me and call me beautiful until the day I die and for eternity. I just have to come to terms with that. I have to learn to love myself because God loves me. Only then will I be able to love other people. This may not sound like the most sound doctrine, but when you wake up beating yourself up every morning because of how you look, it starts to make sense.

I had to confront someone the other night, and it was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. Confrontation tops the list of things that aren't fun about growing up. But I did it, and I think it helped me see things in a different light with a certain person. Everyone is human. Everyone sins and makes mistakes. Some of those mistakes hurt worse than others, but they happen. In the movie I watched tonight, John Cusack makes the comment that when your heart gets broken it just grows back bigger and allows you to love more. I hope that's true. Not that I've had my heart broken, but in a way it feels like it. I hope God will work in my heart and allow it to grow bigger on so many levels. Not in a physical way because that would be bad, but in a spiritual way. I want to learn to love better. I want to be able to accept people and accept life as God throws it my way.

So, yes, growing up can sometimes, well, it can stink. But it happens. We grow, we learn, we live, and hopefully, someday, we learn how to love with all our hearts. At least I hope we do.

A Change of Heart

2010-02-23T15:44:00.003-06:00

This has gnawed at me for quite a while, and I might as well get it off my chest. I don't think I want to teach. I think I have tricked myself into thinking I want to teach, but I really don't think I do. This semester I'm in more English and education courses, and it gives me an insight into what I will be doing for quite some time after I graduate. Today I went to observe, and the teacher had papers for me to grade. Not that I don't like grading papers, but once you've graded one they kind of all start to look the same. And another thing I find myself doing is looking at the clock to check the time. I want to enjoy teaching, if that is what I stick with. But I just don't have the 100% peace I would like to know this is what I want to do.

Many of you know I write for the school paper. Well, over the past week an incident happen with one of the stories that I wrote, and the paper was pulled. It wasn't my fault, but I just didn't collect enough sources for one of the articles and the information in the article wasn't 100% accurate. On Sunday I was in the newspaper office from one in the afternoon until five, and then I went back from six thirty to seven thirty. Last night I was in the newspaper office from six to eleven.

To try and lift my spirits, the advisor of the paper told me he sent the article that was pulled to his brother who works with journalism students at Baylor University. My adviser's brother said that my article was better than some of the stuff written by their students. I was floored. I had no idea. But then I thought about it. If I had all the time in the world to dig up stories and write about stuff that interests me, and that was my full time job, I would love it. I would get to write all the time.

No matter how hard I trick myself into thinking I don't want to write I know that much more that I do. Writing is just this part of me that I know God has given to me for a reason. Yes, I think it would be fun to teach, but I think it would be even more fun to write. After a while I think I would get bored in the classroom, and I every day would begin to look the same.

I sat down with the advisor of student teaching last week to set up my semester for student teaching. He asked me why I wanted to teach, and I told him that I love English. I do love English, but I don't think I love it as much as I do writing. There's a difference. You may not think there is, but there is. Right now I'm in a class called history of the English language. I really don't care for it too much. I could care less about it really. I don't care how the English language came about. I want to use the English language.

I just feel like sitting in a classroom is too tame for me. So all that said that I think I might change my major to Journalism with a minor in Political Science. Politics really intrigue me lately, and I think it would be so much fun to actually understand more than what I do now about politics and then be able to write about it.

I just really need prayer right now. If I do decide to change my major, I'd probably end up dropping a class this semester. I don't know which one, but I'm just so overwhelmed with all the reading I have to do. I never thought I would not want to read, but when you have to read all that I'm reading it just stinks a lot. Pray that God will impart wisdom to me about what I'm supposed to do. This could make or break my future, but the cool part about it is I still have four semesters left, and I can complete all that I would need to in those four semesters. But I don't know, it's in God's hands.

Life in a Snow Globe

2010-02-15T18:28:00.002-06:00

It has snowed here all day. It's not heavy snow, though. The snow falls as if it is in a snow globe. I wish I was in a snow globe these days. My life feels like it's one big snow ball and the junk in it just keeps getting bigger and bigger. All the stuff that I've referred to in previous posts has all culminated into one big snow ball and just kind of exploded in my face. But the explosion is not pretty white flakes of snow. No, the snow ball is filled with rocks, gravel and dirt. It hurts.

I was in a cardio step class at four. We were working out, and my muscles hurt so bad I could hardly move. But I knew I needed to keep going. I had to keep going. I compared that to what I'm going through now. I have a choice to be very mean to someone or forgive them. Just like with cardio step class: I have a choice to give in to the pain or work through it. If I give in to the pain and quit, I fail. Just like if I give in to the pain with this person. If I express my anger and come unleashed, I fail. But if I work through the pain, I finish the cardio step class and I feel so much better about myself when I'm done. Kind of like with this situation. If I pray and push and forgive, I am victorious.

It won't be easy. Cardio step is not easy, and this won't be either. It would be so much easier to sit on my bed and watch TV instead of going to cardio step. It would be so much easier to hold a grudge and stay mad instead of forgiving. But I know what I have to do.

I have a choice to make between dwelling on the hurt or praising God for his protection. I could have been majorly hurt in this situation, but God held my heart in his hands and kept me close. It doesn't mean the hurt is not there, but it is just less than what it could've been. God shows me how much he loves me through this situation. I just look at what all he controlled. I didn't understand it then, but you better believe I do now. I just can't believe it really happened. My mind plays tricks on me trying to think it was someone else. But I know it wasn't.

I wish I could live my life in a snow globe sometimes. My feelings would never get hurt. I wouldn't have to deal with people who lie. I would always be happy. But that is not what life truly is about. Life is about dealing with all the junk, but dealing with it with God. I know God is in control, and he allowed this to happen for a reason. I just don't know why he allowed it to happen to me.

Please pray for me. Pray that I will find the strength to forgive and not be bitter. Pray that God will have his way with me and that I will be victorious.

Time Goes By

2010-02-09T18:24:00.002-06:00

The situation to which I alluded in my last post still unfolds. I didn't think it would be this hard, but it is. Last night, I came back to the room and had a good cry. I cried and cried. Then, I stopped for awhile and then cried some more. Sometimes, you just need a good cry.

It's very cold here. It has snowed quite a bit in the last week, and right now, it's probably around 24 degrees outside, but colder with the wind chill. Today, I was walking to my second class, and it was so cold the bones in my face hurt. I've never experienced cold like the way I did today.

I had my third day of field experience today, and the teacher introduced me to the class as Miss H. (She said my whole last name, but this is a blog, so you know.) It was just so weird to hear them call me that. I wasn't ready for it, and it's odd to have to train your ears for it. It made me feel so old. One of the students asked if I was going to be a teacher, and I said yes. He asked if I was going to teach at their school, and I said no. I told him I was going to teach high school. He asked if I would stay in this town, and I told him I didn't know yet. It was cute. I'm excited to get to know these two classes. I've already learned so much, and it's only been three days.

My car has a leak in the compartment that holds the power steering fluid. When I turn my wheel, it makes an awful grinding noise. I thought it was a bearing at first, but I took it to the guy who's looked at my vehicles since last year, and he said it was power steering. I'm happy because power steering is much easier and cheaper to fix than a bearing.

I went to a Super Bowl party on Sunday night. It was sponsored by the church's college ministry, but we didn't have it at the college ministers' house. It was held at a doctor's house, and it was the most beautiful house. I loved it. There was so much food, and they even sent us home with chili, desserts, and other stuff. After I left, I felt so included and loved. I've really gotten to know the college ministers, and I've been at their house a lot lately. I love them so much. Their little girl even knows my name. It's really nice to be told you're loved outside of your family.

I have my second mission trip meeting tonight. I'm excited for all that we're going to do to prepare for the trip. Where we're going is big, so it requires lots of preparation, but I know it will be worth it.

I called my mom earlier today after I got out of my first class 30 minutes early. She talked to me about what's been going on in my life. It was so good to talk to her. She reminded me that nothing happens that God doesn't already know. She told me I'm in the palm of his hand. I knew all of that before I called my mom, but it just helps to hear it from someone else. It's nice to hear that someone understands what I'm going through. Ultimately, God knows what I'm going through. I do feel so alone sometimes, but I know that God also knows what that is like.

Well, I don't know what else to add. I'm ready for spring. I would love to wear sandals, but I'm afraid if I did that right now, all my toes would be frostbitten. But it's okay. Spring will come soon enough.

That's all for now.

Learning a Lesson

2010-02-02T18:38:00.003-06:00

God recently taught me a very profound lesson. Only in the past couple of weeks have I really understood the gravity of that lesson.

I won't go into details of what's been going on in my life, but to put it frankly when the big turning point took place, I wasn't too thrilled about it. It's been hard to move past what happened, but last night as I was having a hard time going to sleep, I understood what I had to do. I have to let go of this part of my life. It happened for a reason, and I learned so much from it. The college minister of my church put it this way the other night at small group.

He said that when we come to God to give him stuff that we don't want anymore, and when we come palms up, there's always that chance that we might snatch back what we "want" to give him. But when we come to him hands down and let go of all that we don't need anymore, gravity or God, take your pick, takes it from us and there's no getting it back. I told God last night that I was letting go of this situation. I was disappointed, granted, but I know that it was God's will.

I was talking with my best friend tonight, and she mentioned how she works at this after school program with kids and how a few of the kids are so neglected and mistreated in their home lives. You're probably wondering what this has to do with me. Well, I've thought a lot recently about love and the future and one day having a family. But what my friend said tonight made me realize that not only do I know squat about having kids or raising kids, but that I don't even know anything about being in a dating relationship, let alone being married.

God let all this happened to me so that I would realize that he does want me to live each day to the fullest and take life slow. He wants me to enjoy the times I have to be single and hang out with friends and do "single" stuff. And while I'm doing all this "single" stuff, he'll teach me in those times what it is I need to know for the future. Heck, I'm only 20 years old. I still have so much life to live. I'm just glad God used this past month to show me all of this without it breaking my heart.

I feel like I've been smacked in the head, and all I can say is, "Well, duh." This totally makes sense now. God doesn't expect me to know what a 25 year old would know because, news flash, I'm not 25 yet. But when I am 25, I'll look back on this time and praise God for my days of being single. And while I get to experience all these incredible days, God will romance me and love me and keep reminding me over and over how unfailing and wonderful his love truly is.

I'm just so happy I learned this. It's so refreshing. Looking back about a month ago, I wouldn't have wanted to hear what I'm writing now. But I know I needed to learn it. It taught me to slow down and enjoy every single day God gives me.

So, live your life, whether single or married or whatever. But live it with intensity and purpose because God gives each day to you for a purpose.

Moving Right Along

2010-01-30T21:04:00.002-06:00

I attended a meeting yesterday for first time field experience for future teachers. I will be observing in a classroom twice a week until I reach a minimum of 30 hours. We don't have to start until Feb. 15, but I'm starting on Tuesday. I'm really excited. I called my teacher on Friday, and we agreed that Tuesdays and Thursdays would be good days for me to come. It doesn't seem possible that this is actually happening. I still feel like I should be taking general education classes, but I'm embarking on a step that will affect my future career.

I will be in a middle school, but that's okay because I know that teaching is teaching. I can still learn about how to teach English even if I'm not in a high school. For my next round of field experience, I will be in a high school. I do have a busy schedule this semester, but it is not as busy as last semester. I'm still working on the newspaper staff, and writing is still fun for me.

I am going on a mission trip at the end of May, and I'm thinking about knitting and crocheting scarves and hats to raise money for my trip. I have to have a certain amount of money by the first of February, and I know I won't have it, but God teaches me to trust him everyday that he will help me raise this money. I know I'm going on this trip for God's glory, so I know that he will provide.

I've been back in town for over a week now, and it doesn't even feel like I was gone for almost five weeks. I love not having a roommate, but sometimes it does get lonely. I miss having someone hug me everyday and tell me that they love me, like it was at home. But on the other hand, I have the freedom to do what I want in my room without having to ask anyone. So there are pros and cons, but I'm learning to love it.

It snowed here yesterday, but I ended up getting around to go to a birthday party today so it wasn't too bad. I'm going to church tomorrow at a new church that is a church plant off of a city about thirty minutes from here. The college ministers from the church I've gone to for about a year moved to this church, so I'm excited to try it out. I love the college ministers. I've been at their house a lot lately. Their door is always open, and they are so awesome; some of the most loving people I've ever met.

Well, not a lot more to share. God keeps showing me how much he loves me and how wonderful his plan is for me. I grow to love him more everyday.

I hope this next week is good for you. Until next time.

Starting Anew

2010-01-25T21:48:00.003-06:00

I read my Bible last night and came across this verse in Psalms. It reads, "Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare" (Psalm 40:5).

I really like this verse because it reassures me that even though my little ole life seems to just poke along sometimes, I can be reassured that the things God planned for me in the beginning of time are too numerous for me to even try to count. It's unfathomable.

College....
Classes.....
When I will graduate.......

Marriage.....
Who it will be......
When it will be......

Job.....
What job I will actually get.....
Where it will be......

Money.....
Will I have enough of it......
Will I let it control me......

Time.....
How fast will time go before any of this happens.........
Where has the time already gone......

Love.....
Will I find a man who will truly love me......
Do I even know what true love is......

God knows that all of these things float around in my head all the time. He should; he put them there. Yes, the waiting is hard. It always has been. But through that waiting comes patience, strength, endurance, consistency, and so many other qualities that I haven't learned yet because I still wait.

But it's okay because God has a plan. I think about that sometimes and marvel at the fact that God knows exactly what is going to happen to me minute by minute for the rest of my life. And not only does he just know that about me, but he knows that about everyone. He's a pretty busy God. But I'm sure glad he does know.

More than anything right now, God asks me just to slow down and hear him speak to me. He wants to show me what that true love is and to know that in his arms, no other love matters but his. He will never break my heart; he will never disappoint. He will never leave me; he will never forget to call. He loves with a kind of love that I have only slightly glimpsed.

Well, that said, classes were good today. I only had two. I'll have three more tomorrow, and then I'll have a better scope to how the semester will go. It's just so nice to be back. I love being home with the family, but being back and being on my own is wonderful. And I have a room to myself this semester so that is nice too.

Now that I've written half my life story I will say goodbye. Until the next time.

Enjoying my break

2010-01-04T17:31:00.002-06:00

I'm on break from school right now, and I'm enjoying it immensely. I can't get over how fast the semester flew by. But I learned many things this semester, although that information is for another post altogether.

My Christmas was great, and it was so nice to see family. I didn't get to go to Tulsa as early as I wanted because we had a beautiful, but terrible blizzard on Christmas Eve which prevented travel for the next two or three days. That was kind of a disappointment, but I'm here now, and all is well.

I'm excited to get back to school. I miss seeing my friends and miss the groove of my everyday routine with classes, newspaper, and everything else I do.

I was talking with a friend, and he mentioned how he hoped that 2010 was better than 2009. I thought that was kind of a funny statement, although I can see where he was coming from. I can honestly say that I hope the same. What is 2010 going to bring? God teaches me how to trust him in new ways everyday. I know that he will continue to teach me how to trust him. Trusting is not an easy thing. It takes courage, and ultimately, it takes faith. I have to come to the point where I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that whatever I have going on in my life that God is going to take care of it. He will take care of it better than what I could ever imagine. It's just that little step in between when I say, "Okay, God, here it is. Here's all my junk that I can't handle," that is the hardest. What if the end result is not what I would have planned for myself? What if trusting God is scary? Well, the Christian walk is scary; the Bible says that. God never said it would be easy, no sir. But he did say he would be with us every step of the way.

So, no, I don't know what 2010 will hold. But I do know that yes, whatever happens, it will be for God's glory, and it will be a great year.

Happy New Years to you all.

Repacking my suitcase

2009-12-10T17:21:00.002-06:00

As you know, I've been seeing a counselor for about two months now. It has helped so much, and hopefully sometime next semester I won't have to go anymore at all. But only time will tell.

Yesterday, I had an appointment with my counselor and we talked about how I have changed so much since I was in high school. I told her that I feel like that the person I used to be is no longer here and that a new person is here. For some reason, I'd been feeling bad about that, thinking that I was supposed to stay the same forever. I don't know why I thought that though.

We also talked about some of the things I learned from my parents while I still lived at home. The things I learned were all good things, but maybe some of those things don't apply to my life as much right now as they used to. My counselor said that it was time to unpack and then repack my suitcase. She said that those things that I don't need anymore need to be taken out and that the things I do want need to be put in.

I had never thought of it that way. I didn't know it was okay to change. I mean it makes sense. I'm not going to be the same person in ten years who I am now. So it makes sense that I'm not the same person I was when I was 16. My morals and beliefs are still the same, but I'm doing things and acting upon things because of what I believe, not because of what my parents tell me to do. I still honor the lessons and important things my parents taught me, but now they have become mine as well.

My counselor said that it was time to turn over a new leaf. It was time to repack my suitcase and start having fun with life. Not too much fun, but enough fun where I'm not on the verge of tears every day. My mom tells me to do one fun thing every day. I agree with her.

I can't believe that I have one week of this semester left. It doesn't seem possible. It seems like just yesterday it was the first day of Astronomy and I was so stressed because I thought I was going to fail the class. Well, I thank all of you who prayed for me. I can gladly say that class is over and that I have an A in it. Woot Woot. I'm so happy.

I'm so excited to go home for Christmas. To see my friends and family and enjoy this Christmas season in a new, exciting fun way. Maybe I'll be spontaneous here and there. Life needs to be more fun than we make it.

So in about a week I'll be repacking my suitcase.....in more than one way.
May God bless you and Merry Christmas.

Coffee with God

2009-11-16T23:09:00.002-06:00

The other day I was sitting with just my little ole self, and I began wondering what it would be like to have a real-life conversation with God. Yes, I know that we can have conversations with him through prayer and He can speak to us through the Bible and through events that take place in our lives; but what I wonder is what it would be like to sit down in a cafe sitting across from God sipping a latte and listening to the Creator of the universe reveal to me the secrets of his heart.

What would He tell me about my worries and fears that somehow seem to curse me every day? What would He share with me about my most precious dreams and desires that never seem to leave the depths of my heart? What wisdom would he impart to me about the path my future will take and what I'm supposed to do with it?

I know it would be a conversation I would never forget.

Can you imagine that? Just sitting and being with God. Yet that is what he calls us to do even though He isn't physically with us. He may not be with me in the cafe, but I know He is with me in spirit. God calls me to have faith to sit with him in that cafe and still talk with him and still listen to the silence. He reveals many things in the silence; many things I do not ever hear because I am too busy filling my life with superfluous nothings.

This morning in my World Lit. class I had one of these experiences. I just started feeling anxious and my thoughts were going crazy, but I quietly asked God to come and sit with me amidst the chaos of my brain. I imagined him pulling up a chair and sitting beside me, putting his arm around me and whispering truth into my ear all while my professor was lecturing. God was there. He calmed my anxious nerves, and He sat with me for the remainder of the class.

That may not sound like the most orthodox situation, but I think God wants to draw me away from orthodoxy sometimes. He wants to take this box that I try to put him and myself in and chuck it. He gets rid of the box and wants me to experience him in a whole new way. Christianity was never meant to be a set of rules and regulations. It is about an intimate relationship with a savior who loves me beyond what my minuscule scrap of a mind can begin to comprehend.

God has been working on me for a long time now. I know He will never stop, but sometimes I feel the chisel and the fire more than other times. Now is one of those times, but He has used it for his glory. I've been asking him to put a desire in my heart to read his word. Sometimes it's hard to get into his word, but I also know that faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God. I'm not going to grow without the word of God.

The next time you think you are alone at a cafe, remember this post, and remember that you are never alone, no matter what you think. Have a conversation with God; yeah, people may look at you a little funny talking to the air, but I have a feeling that you'll be doing more listening than talking anyway so you don't have much to worry about. God loves those times when his children come to him and are silent.

So enjoy your coffee and enjoy listening to God.

Four weeks of classes, a week of finals, and then some much needed freedom.

2009-11-09T22:05:00.007-06:00

School is slowly but surely starting to wind down, and we only have four more weeks left of classes. I am so happy. I don't think I have ever wanted a break so badly as I want Thanksgiving break. It will be so nice to go home for a week and just relax. I've missed my family so much, especially my mom, and I can't wait to go home and just hang out with them and help my mom cook.

For awhile now, I've been church hopping, just not sure I was going to the right church. This past Sunday I attended the church that I went to most of last year. I knew I was feeling called to go back, and I'm so glad I went. It is definitely where I'm supposed to be. The college minister and his wife also have a small group Bible study at their house on Sunday nights, so I went to that last night too. This Saturday they are having a Thanksgiving dinner for the college students at their house and I'm going to help the wife cook. I'm excited. I don't really know them very well, but I think this will help start a relationship that will last.

I've been seeing a counselor for about two weeks now, and things are improving; however, the improvements are very minuscule. If I am having a bad day or just not feeling good, I'm to the point where I can force myself to do something. A lot of times, I just have to force myself out of my shell. It's not easy, but I manage somehow.

For some time now, my relationship with God has been something of a mystery to me. I know God has been there for me and that he will never leave me. But I'm having to battle this whole idea that our relationship is not based on feelings. It is based on fact. He loves me more than I can or ever will comprehend. I don't deserve that love, and I may not feel loved, but that love is there just the same. God also keeps reminding me how big he is. I know I've talked about that before, but I think I need a reminder of that everyday. This semester my classes have just totally overwhelmed me. Not only has God taught me that I can't handle 18 hours of classes, but he has also taught me that he is bigger than all of it.

I'm still battling a few issues that I'm hoping I can work out by seeing this counselor. I don't want to have to keep battling them for the rest of my life. I know that God doesn't want that either.

I enrolled for classes for the spring semester the other day, and I'm very excited for my schedule. I'm taking history of the English language, New Testament History, Foundations of Education, American Literature 2, and 17th and 18th Century British Lit. I'm also taking my first class of field experience which is just observing teachers in the classroom for education majors. It comes to a grand total of 16 hours with which I am also very pleased. I don't think you could pay me to take 18 hours again. It's not fun. I had to drop my writing minor because I would have had to take 18 hours every semester until I graduate, and I simply told my advisor no. I wasn't going to put myself through all that. And with all the classes I'm taking for the English major I will have taken most of what I would have taken with the writing minor. I'm not really worried about it.

My work on our school newspaper is really going well. I'm enjoying it more than what I thought I would. I've also learned how to manage my time with it and get my work done so I'm not also stressed with school work. I've learned that I have a very sarcastic and sometimes even biting voice when it comes to certain topics. But that's why I'm in charge of the opinion page. It's very fun. I was telling my roommate tonight that tonight in the newspaper office was the first time I pictured myself working for a newspaper after college. I love being able to play with the layout and researching the different topics that I write about. It is quite invigorating.

I'm sitting here in my dorm room listening to Josh Groban's Christmas CD Noel. It's beautiful. What's ironic is that it is around 65 degrees outside. I wish the weather would understand that it is November and change to match the month. I mean I love the warm weather, but I'm ready for the festive cold weather that November is supposed to have.

Oh well, hopefully it will get here sooner than later. I hope everyone is staying well and if you're not, then I hope you get well soon. May God bless you as we begin this holiday season.

Until next time,
Jana

Another Day

2009-10-26T15:51:00.002-05:00

So today has been an okay day so far. Since I've last posted, I've turned 20 years old. I don't really feel different, but I'm glad that I can now say that I am 20. That does make me feel older. When I went home two weekends ago, I saw my family and visited my aunt and my two little cousins. It was so good to see them since I probably won't see them again until Thanksgiving.

I get to see my family next week when my mom and dad are coming up to see me get inducted into the National Honor Society. I'm excited to see them since I was going home that weekend, but now I'm not. That should be fun.

Classes aren't going too bad. Astronomy is doing better. Only one more test in that class. I think the reason why I'm not so stessed about my classes is just that I have no motivation to do anything for my classes, like studying or reading, and I also think my body has just kind of become numb to stress. I know that's probably not good, but now when my plate becomes a little overloaded, I just take it with a grain of salt and go on. It's getting better.

I'm going to see a counselor this week, and I'm so glad that I am. My mom and I have been talking recently, and we've discovered part of the reason for my good days and my bad days and what may be a good solution for my slight depression, if that's what I want to call it.

Getting in my Bible is a challenge. Some days I just have no desire to read God's word. I know that's horrible, but that's just now it is. But I honestly think that God would rather me read his word out of desire than out of obligation. Not to say that I shouldn't read it at all, but that I should want to read it when I do.

I've just kind of felt blah lately. I know that God is trying to teach me things about myself and about him, but he is just teaching me so many things and I couldn't try to record them all here.

I really don't know what else is happening in my life. Not too much big news. Yeah, so that's about it.

Hope your day was more exciting than mine.
God Bless.

The Makings of a Man

2009-10-11T18:07:00.002-05:00

Before I start the main topic of this post, I must say that this week went a little better for me than last week did. It might have been because both of my parents came to visit me, and I was very busy with homecoming stuff that I didn't have much time to think about me. Today at church was much better as well. I tried a new church today where the majority of the people who attend are college students. Almost every face I saw was a familiar one, and it really helped my overall attitude a lot.

What I want to talk about in this post was inspired by what I saw at church today. The church that I attended this morning had a time for people to come to the front of the church and just share with the church what struggles were hindering their walks with Christ. It was kind of testimonial, but also just being real and lifting one another before the Lord. There was prayer for almost everyone who stepped up and shared what was on their heart. It reminded me that I'm not the only person who struggles and goes through bumpy times. Everyone has those times in their life. No one is perfect.

What really shocked me though was how many young men walked before the church and shared these struggles that were hurting so much in their lives. As a young woman of God, I want a strong, Christian man for a husband someday. I need a man who is going to be able to lead our family in the ways of God and who will be the spiritual head of our home. As I watched all these young men file to the front of the church and then back to their seats, I wondered where the bold men of God are. And then I realized the answer: they are there, but they just haven't had an example set before them to follow. Somewhere along the way the ideal strong, Christian husband and father disappeared from the picture. We see less men being leaders and strong dads and husbands because they were never shown what that really looks like.

It almost sounds like it is a never-ending spiral downward with no end. But it's not. One way that young men can be fashioned and shaped into the men of God who they are supposed to be is if we as young women of God will pray for them. Not praying so that God will bring us our husbands faster, but that when he does bring them our way that they will be ready, prepared and willing to lead as God would have them lead. Our men need our prayers. Whether it be our friends, brothers, dads, cousins; whoever they are, they need us to lift them before the Lord.

I know that my dad has set the most awesome example for my brother of how to be a godly husband and father. But what about those young men who know nothing of that earthly example? What are they supposed to do? Somehow, someway, they either will have to look to an earthly mentor or counselor or solely rely on God. God is the best example of a husband and a father that the world has ever known. He loves his bride relentlessly, never loving her any less for her sin or forgetfulness of him. He is a father who craves the intimacy of his children, never loving them any less for their disobedience and stubbornness.

The makings of a man are found in God. You may not be a guy reading this, and if you're not, then pray for each and every man in your life. Pray that somehow God will get a hold of them and they will be the strong, warrior poet men of God that God has called them to be. And if you are a guy reading this whether you've had an earthly example of a godly husband and father or not; look to God as your ultimate example. As women, we need security knowing that the men we marry will be equipped as devoted followers of Christ to lead our families.

I know I need to pray more for the men in my life. I especially need to pray more for the man God has for me instead of complaining that he is not a part of my life yet. I know that God has all of that planned out, and yes, as much as I don't know how to do this sometimes, I have to give God my whole-hearted trust.

This cycle of lazy, slacking husbands and fathers that our generation is seeing more and more of today has to stop somewhere. I believe that if women of prayer will be on their on knees for their men, then it will begin somewhere in the midst of that prayer. It is time to break the silence.

Have a good week,
Jana

Waiting for the sun

2009-10-04T21:57:00.002-05:00

The past few posts on this blog haven't been very uplifting or encouraging. So don't count on this one to be either.

Earlier this year in June, God brought out some struggles in my life that I knew I had been facing for awhile. They were brought out due to my job situation and a person with whom I was working. So after much prayer and talking with my parents, we thought we would look into professional counseling. It was a wise choice, and it helped me get through some things.

Well, I haven't seen anyone in close to two months now, and I can tell. I have my good days, and I have my bad days, but the bad days seem to outnumber the good days. Some days I feel like I'm on top of the world when on other days I feel like the world is on top of me. Sundays, for some odd reason, are the hardest days of the week for me. I'm so used to Sunday being a day when I go to church with my family, I sit with my family during the service, and we eat lunch together afterward. Sunday here is so opposite. I don't know anyone I go to church with except for a few people, I feel so weird getting ready in the morning because my dad is not jokingly telling me to hurry up with my make-up so he can get in the shower, and I'm not eating with them after church.

I miss my family a lot. To be honest, right now anyway, I'm not looking forward to the day when I have to move out of my house for good and get a place of my own. I know that a lot can change in three years, but right now that thought scares me. Sometimes I wonder if I am really cut out for college. Some days I am so low that I feel like I could be depressed. I don't walk to talk to anyone or look at anyone or do anything. All I want to do is cry. And through all of this, I feel like I'm letting God down because I'm not being the devoted Christian that I should be.

I am having the hardest time trusting God these days. It used to be so easy for me to trust God. But now it's harder because the things I have to trust him with are bigger: money, guys, my weight, school, job, feelings, desires, and everything else that my worrying mind always finds to worry about. I know that God loves me, but there are days when I don't feel his love or him for that matter. I know he's with me, but it feels like he's a million miles away. I hate that I have to go through this. Maybe this is God's hand bringing me through this time so that on the other side, I'll be closer to him. But honestly, I have no clue.

My mom said she was going to check if there was anyone near here who I could see. I didn't think I would need more counseling when I returned to college. I thought my life would just kind of sort itself out. I guess I was wrong. So here I am, a girl who is turning 20 in two weeks but who feels like she's 13.

I don't mean to write all this as a pity party. But this is simply what's going on in my life. It may not be pretty, but who said life was always going to be roses and sunshine?

Well, until whenever,
Jana

Not Knowing how not to be Perfect

2009-09-21T21:00:00.003-05:00

Life is too short wasting time trying to get things to be perfect. I wish someone would've told me my first year of college that it is okay not to be perfect. I wish I would have known that it is okay to get a B or a C in a class and that the world is not going to hold it against you. I wish I would've known that my parents don't want me to stress about getting A's all the time.

For a good majority of my life, I've striven for perfection. I had to have straight A's, I had to make sure none of my friends were mad at me, I literally wanted to be the best in everything I did. A part of me still wants that. A part of me still wants to be the best, but I know now that I just need to do my best and not worry about being perfect.

I'm in Astronomy this semester, and I'm not a fan. I don't like science and I never have. We had our first test on Friday, and I found out my score today. I got a 65%. I wasn't too thrilled. I wanted at least a B. It does make me feel a little better knowing that the class average was a 60%, but again, I've always wanted to be more than just five percent above the "average."

I know now what to expect in coming tests, and I know what to study more. But sometimes it's so hard trying to balance everything. I woke up this morning and it felt like all six classes with all of their responsibilities plus my newspaper obligations just piled on me. I didn't know what to do. I went to the fitness center and ran/walked my two miles, but I wasn't motivated to do any more than that. I usually don't call my parents until the afternoon or evening, but today I had talked to both of them before nine o'clock.

Right now, I'm sitting in the newspaper office waiting to fix the mistakes on my page, not worrying about what I have to do when I get back to my room. I have a test tomorrow in history, I have to finish reading for American Lit., and I have to create some sort of a rough draft for my American Lit. research paper due on Thursday. But I don't care. I should care and a big part of me is telling me to care, but I don't.

My dad emailed me this thing called "Wednesday Words with Leigh" written by Leigh McLeroy. Her topic was about asking for help and admitting that you have a pride issue. I have a perfection issue. I am obsessed with being perfect, and I think if I don't perform to a certain standard then I'm not going to be liked and loved as much, which I know is not true, but I still think that.

I honestly think my parents would be happier for me if I got a C in Astronomy rather than an A. They don't want me killing myself trying to make everything perfect, and honestly, I don't want to kill myself either. I know God is there to help me, but in the big scheme of things I sometimes think that he doesn't care about my petty problems. But he does, more than I know. He's great.

Not knowing how not to be perfect is hard for me. But I want to learn about not being perfect. I want to know how to live imperfectly while still glorifying God with my life.

Whoo! That was a lot. I better go.
God Bless.

Rend Your Heart

2009-09-13T17:11:00.003-05:00

I went back to my college church today. It was so nice. It felt like returning home. The people there are so great, and I'm actually going to get involved with a small group this year. I'm going to my first one tonight.

I've had a problem lately with beating myself up after maybe I've eaten too much and haven't worked out, or spent too much money, or not doing well enough in a class. I know I shouldn't do this. But this morning when I woke up, I felt so dirty and so guilty. I hated how I felt. I prayed this morning while I was getting ready that God would speak to me today at church. Well, he more than answered my prayer.

This morning in the college class we were in Joel chapter 2 starting in verse 12. If you haven't read Joel in a while, you should read it. I was so good. It convicted me so much. In the midst of working on the newspaper, working out almost every morning before classes, and then trying to manage all my classes, I haven't spent very much time with God, whether that be praying or just sitting at his feet and reading his Word. But in a way I feel that if I leave those other things behind then they won't get done. I get so down on myself if I don't eat very well and then gain weight. I was doing so good this summer, and now I get back and it's so hard again. So if I substitute my workouts with my quiet time will I still have time to work out? Will I gain weight? If I don't stress about my classes as much will I still do as well? Or is God trying to teach me that the world doesn't revolve around getting A's.

As you can see, this is a problem I've been battling for awhile. I have three tests this week and to be honest, I'm not motivated to study for any of them. It's awful. I just really need to pray to keep God as my number one priority no matter what. I know I need to give everything to him, but it's so hard. I guess it's as it says in Matthew 6:33, "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and all its righteousness and all these things will be added unto you." I trust that. It's hard to trust that, but I have the courage to trust it.

I hope your week goes well. May God bless it.

Carrying On!

2009-09-08T13:23:00.002-05:00

So I'm back at college, carrying on with everyday life. I'm in quite a few classes, but they're going all right. I just have to remember not to stress and to give them over to God, however scary that can be. I want to get all A's in my classes. I've never had anything lower than an A in my life to be truly honest, getting a B scares me. I don't know why, but I think I might just get one in Astronomy whether I like it or not.

My roommate and I are doing great. I have a new roommate this semester, and she's so sweet. She's such a doll. She's very different from the roommate I had last year, but it's a good different. It's funny because sometimes I'm expecting Katlyn to walk in the door, but it will be Katie instead.

I'm in a class this semester called Writing Fiction. It's wonderful. By far, it is my favorite class. Tomorrow I'm leading a lecture in class that I'm a little nervous about, but not too bad. I also have three tests next week, so I'll be studying for those a lot this week too, along with everything else I have to do.

Well, I better get off here and do some homework. Astronomy is calling, unfortunately.

God Bless.
Jana

Hold My Heart

2009-08-28T10:20:00.002-05:00

God desires that we cry out to him. Psalm 62:8 says, "Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." He craves for our communication and relationship with him. He is jealous for us. Going through this first week of classes has been stressful, I'm not going to lie. I'm carrying 18 hours and that counts for six classes, all with plenty of reading. But I know that God is sitting up in heaven telling me not to worry and not to stress. I've been so anxious and a little homesick. But I know that God hears all of my cries and that he is right here to comfort me. He just wants me to cry out to him, no matter what.

One thing I have to remind myself is of Matthew 6:33. It says, "Seek first the kingdom of heaven and its righteousness and all these things will be added unto you." God doesn't want me to worry about classes or my weight or being homesick. He wants me to rest in him. He doesn't want me to slack off, but he doesn't want me to stress either.

I think God has brought me to a time of silence in my life. I say that looking at more than one aspect. This is a learning time. God is teaching me and showing me things not through explicit actions, but over long periods of time. Periods of time that require waiting and silence.

Come Away My Beloved, a book I've been reading for some time now talks about this mysterious silence. "I want to make you strong. I want you to be a Devastator. I have brought you to this place. Make the most of it. Drink in the silence. Seek solitude. LISTEN TO THE SILENCE. It will teach you. It will build strength. Let others share it with you. It is priceless. It is little to be found elsewhere." I like that last statement. Silence is hard to find apart from God. The world is so busy, college is so crazy, and everywhere you look there is noise and distractions. God wants us to be silent and take time to rest in him. He doesn't want us worrying about money, or grades, or appearances, or whatever. He wants us resting in him. Jesus tells us in the Bible to come to him and take his burden for it is light. I don't want the burden I've been carrying. It's too heavy. But I know that I can carry the burden of Jesus. It is light.

So if you are a praying follower of Christ, I could use your prayers. I could your intercession on my behalf unto the Spirit. I didn't know this semester was going to be so trying to early. But it is. I know that I can do all things through him who gives me strength. Just pray for me. Pray that my faith and trust in God are strengthened.

I hope your day is filled with wonder and newness. This new day is a gift from God. Let us live with abundance.

God Bless.

Miss UNsociable

2009-08-20T22:18:00.001-05:00

Being back at college even just a measly five days has taught me so much. But what's new? Over the summer God really spoke to me and convicted me that I had been putting idols in my life that were distracting me from him. I also had the privilege to work with my work group this summer and got to invest in their lives. Well, combine those two things and you get a whole bunch of information overload from God. It was welcomed, but a little heavy at times.

There was a night this summer when I asked my dad if he thought that I was socially awkward. We walked and talked about it, and we discussed what that meant and what the Bible says about how we should live our lives. In my opinion and I believe out of strong conviction, I don't think God is so worried about how we fit in socially or if we're awkward or not. Let's think about it. Jesus probably didn't fit in socially all the time when he was on the earth. He had his twelve that he was comfortable around and those were the men who accepted him, but there were probably more people than not who didn't like him. I don't think Christ calls us to be liked. I think he calls us to love others as he did.

I've been here for five days interacting with new and old people. More new people than old, mind you. I must say that it is kind of hard for me to do that. When I was younger, interacting with new people was the easiest thing ever for me because I would just put myself out there and go with the flow. But is that what Christ wants? Did he go with the flow? I would say he did not. I know now that when I was younger, part of the reason I was so able to get along with new people was because I wore a mask. I don't like masks. I hate trying to be someone I'm not. I hate trying to be happy and peppy when really, I'm not feeling that way at all. In all actuality, I think I'm a more serious than "let's go out and play a game" type person. I would rather have a deep, intellectual conversation with you then play a game with pretend darts. When one is nearing the age of 20 years old, playing pretend isn't as fun anymore unless you're with a two year old. That's different. But when you're with your peers, pretend is just not fun.

God has taught me this summer more than anything that I am called to love him with all my heart, soul, strength, and mind. I'm called to surrender all my idols to him and keep him in the center of my life. I've also learned that I'm supposed to invite others into this wonderful love affair with Jesus Christ. He has changed my life so much that I'm compelled to tell others about that changing love.

Tonight I tried to talk with someone about what God is doing in my life and how I'm so in love with him. The normal response would have been one of happiness and joy of how I'm growing in that. But instead I was basically told that what I was sharing about my life felt like it was being forced on the other person. I think this person thinks I talk about God too much, which I think is a little absurd. And then I remembered the verse in Luke that talks about sometimes we will stand alone when it comes to representing and taking a stand for God. Maybe I was too overwhelming and too much, but I also think that what I said was a very valid point and instead of thinking about it in light of their life, they pushed it away.

I titled this post "Miss UNsociable". I think I did that because, well, that's how I feel. Sometimes sitting by myself with God is so much more fun then having to be with people and try to fit in and struggle not to put on a mask. I want to be genuine with everyone I meet and there are very few people in my life with whom I can be that way. I would rather have five close friends who I can bear my soul to, then know one hundred peoples' names, but to whom I rarely talk.

God is calling me closer to him through all of this. He is showing me that my communication and relationship with him is what matters more than being accepted by people on this earth. Yes, I want those strong, Christ-centered friendships and I do have a few, two are with my parents, but I think those are what he wants me focusing on, not knowing entire campuses and knowing every one's name.

So yes, I may appear as unsociable to the world, but lately I have been VERY social with God. And really, that's all that matters.

This may have been a lot of rambling nonsense, but I needed to get it off my chest. Thanks for reading my ramblings.

May God Bless Tomorrow and all your days ahead.

Continuing With Life

2009-08-18T11:33:00.002-05:00

So I'm back at college. Let me just say I'm very glad to be back. I really enjoyed working with the youth at my church this summer, but it was kind of a stressful situation. I'm just glad to be back in the good ole college town and being a simple college student.

Right off the bat since I've been back, God has been asking me to trust him with my money. I think out of all the things that I could trust him with, that's one of the hardest. But I have to remember that it's not my money to begin with and that all he asks is that I am a good steward of it. I'm hoping that when classes start and things start to pick up (like my job) that I can get on a budget and stick to it. I think that would really help me save and not just be an impulsive spender.

My roommate is not here yet; she won't arrive until tomorrow. I can't wait to meet her. My roommate from last year transferred to Union University in Tennessee, so I get to live with someone new this year. I think it will be really fun. I also know the girls who are my suite-maits and I'm super happy that there are going to be here. It will be so much fun.

I bought my books yesterday and the grand total came to $398.03. I wasn't too thrilled, but maybe I'll be able to sell a few from last semester and make a few dollars that way. I don't know. I did get one of my books from a friend for free, so that was a major blessing.

Before I left home to come back to college, I had been realizing more and more just how great and deep God's love is for me, for everyone. I've been focusing all summer on how God's relationship with me is supposed to be like a husband/wife relationship. God has been pursuing me and loving me forever and nothing on this earth could compare with his unfailing love. It's funny how a change of surroundings and people can sometimes cause you to doubt that. But his love doesn't change from state-to-state or from town-to-town. God will always love me no matter what. He desires that I would know him and love him more as well.

Well, I guess I'm going to head to lunch. We're getting ready for Welcome Week here at the college and we've been having lots of meetings and such. It's been fun. I can't wait for things to really begin tomorrow when all the students get here.

May God Bless your day and may you rest in him.
(P.S. Two months from today I will be 20 years old. Wow!!!)

Jana

Dedicated to Those

2009-07-23T15:17:00.003-05:00

God has been teaching me so much lately. I've just recently read a book entitled I am not but I know I Am. It was written by Louie Giglio, and it is such a great book. It talks about how the story is not about us. The story is about God and we are just supporting roles in His story. It's truly a life-altering book. It's a quick read, so if you get the time, I suggest you find it.

God has been showing me lately how he wants every aspect of my life. He wants my dreams, my plans, my hopes, my desires, and everything that arises with life. For the longest time, I've worn a purity ring that is a symbol of how I am saving myself for my future husband. But over time I've realized that certain aspect of purity is only a portion of the purity God wants me to have in my life. God wants the movies I watch, the music I listen to, the T.V. shows I watch, the words I say, how I spend my time; he wants it all to be pure.

And so all of this has got me to thinking. I know that when I was in high school I came across as Miss Goody Two Shoes and maybe a little rude. If I was ever that way to you, or if I came across as better than anyone, I want to apologize. I didn't mean to be that way. I have just been raised in a very sheltered way, and it was difficult for me to relate to people who did not have the same moral standards as me. I know that may seem like narrowmindedness, but in a way, I think that was what Christ called us to have. Go with me on this for a second.

Christ called us to walk the straight and narrow. Yet he also called us to love everyone, no matter what their background or level of moral standards or whatever. So how does a follower of Christ who wants to please God with every aspect of their life live that pleasing life while being acceptable to the world? I don't think the word there is "acceptable." Christ tells us in Luke that we will be hated on his account. Maybe in a way, with our love we can be more appealing. But I honestly don't think that Christ's goal for his followers was for us to be popular and fit in with the world. I think he wants us to love the world, but I don't think he wants us to condone the world's behavior and talk like the world and walk like the world to win the world's approval. Christ called us to be in the world, but not of the world.

So I take this opportunity to dedicate this post to those who I may have offended or hurt or snubbed. But I don't apologize because I hurt your feelings. I apologize because I didn't love you the way Christ would've. I was probably too uptight in high school, and I may still be too uptight now. But I think God wants to draw the line when it comes to our moral standards. If mine are too extreme for you, then I'm sorry. My goal in life is to please God. If I was too uptight or harsh in high school, I'm sorry. But following God calls us to walk the straight and narrow, dying to self and taking up our crosses and following Him.

I don't know if any of this made any sense. I hope I didn't come across as too high and mighty. But it's just something that's been on my mind lately. I will take a stand for Christ even if it means being a little too old-fashioned in my beliefs. I don't long for the applause of mere men. I long for the applause of my awesome God.

Until next time,
Jana

Wonderful Summer

2009-06-10T15:28:00.002-05:00

If you didn't already know, I'm working with my church's youth group this summer as an intern. We went to Falls Creek last week, and now we're just working on getting stuff ready for our next camp and figuring out what we'll be doing all summer long. When I say we, I mean my fellow intern and I.

To be honest, I really miss college. I've loved being home and sleeping in my bed, being with my family and not spending as much money, but I miss the college environment. I've also learned more about myself and God this summer, and I've only been home for three weeks. Just think of what I'll end up learning being home all summer long.

I really don't have much to say. Kind of funny, huh? Usually I have tons to say. But not today. Maybe next time.

Until then,
Jana

New beginnings and sad goodbyes

2009-05-22T00:22:00.003-05:00

As I write this post it really is my last day of college. It's about 12:20 in the morning and it's so weird to think that in about twelve hours I'll be leaving this dorm room, packing stuff into my truck and my dad's Rav-4, and telling my roommate goodbye. And I'll officially have enough hours under my belt to be classified as a sophomore in college. Crazy right?

In a way, this is a new beginning. I'm going to be interning at the youth group in my church. I'm on the verge of having a work of fiction published, and I'm leaving my first year of college. It's all so new and different, but I like it, and it's all very welcomed.

I have come to the very profound and unshaky revelation that I have fallen in love with writing. God is my first love and always will be. That is not something to be questioned. And my family comes next, as they should. But I know that God has given me this gift of writing for a reason and that when I write, in any way, shape or form, I am praising him. To call it a passion would be a very harsh understatement. It is something so much more. I feel in a way it is a part of me that needs nourishment just like my soul or spirit would. It's just that little added part inside of me created by God. I don't know what I would do without it.

In the movie "Serendipity," there is a statement made at the end that I don't think will ever leave me. It says something along the lines of how a life is not worth living unless it is lived with passion. I love that. Do you have passion? Are you passionate for something? Is there something that moves you beyond words and expression?

There are little things that move me in life: black and white photos of deep meaning, star-filled nights, the movie "Elizabethtown,"but then there also big things that move me: God, writing, classics written over one hundred years ago by authors such as Charlotte Bronte and Jane Austen. Stories of missionaries like Jim Elliot and the other four who were killed for their faith in Ecuador; these are the things that move me.

I don't care what it is that fuels your heart and stirs you to want to be a better person. It doesn't have to be the most profound thing in the world. It can be as simple as a sunrise. But whatever it is, do it. If you love to sing, do it. If you love to help others, do it. If you love to take long walks in the park with just you and God, do it. I am more than passionate about writing so I do it, and I do it often, and I do it to praise the passion-giver. God has given me this gift, this ability, and words cannot express my gratitude for it.

This could be one of my last posts for awhile depending on how often I will be near the Internet when I return home. I will keep updating about the publishing process and everything that will be happening with that. I will also update about the internship and all the camps I will be attending.

Seek God. Run to him and fall into his arms of love. You will find him if you seek him with all of your heart.

Lost in his immeasurable grace and love,
Jana

Always Trusting

2009-05-17T22:24:00.002-05:00

With this being my last week of college and having four possibly five finals, God is demanding my trust. I have to trust him with money, time, and the newness of leaving school. I've lived here for nine months and now packing my room isn't as fun as I thought it would be. My room looks bare, and it's weird to think that this time next week, this room will be empty and I'll be at home trying not argue with my brother.

It's also sad because my roommate that I've lived with for nine months is not returning in the fall, and I'm afraid that when this Friday rolls around, it will be a tear-filled day. It will also probably be a tear-filled day because I'll be seeing my mom who I haven't seen for a month and a half. Probably the longest I've ever gone without seeing her.

I'm not eating gluten-free foods anymore because they are just too darn expensive for a college student, and I feel bad asking my parents for money all the time. So I'm still not feeling that well. I know a lot of it is probably due to lack of sleep, exercise, and stress. The three worst things in a person's life. But I'm hoping that after I go to this specialist next week, things will hopefully look a little better. And I'm hoping that being away from the stress of school and having more time will be easier on my system.

I received an email this week from a Publishing company who I emailed one of my manuscripts to about eight weeks ago. They want to publish my book. Contrary to what most of you think I did when I read that email, I was silent, too stunned for words. I still don't think it has set in. Part of that is because there is a stipulation that is rearing its ugly head. I know I need to give it over to God and that if this is his will, he'll bring it to fruition. It's just so hard with something like this. This is a very big thing, but it's also something I've dreamt of forever. Being a published author would be like God handing me the moon. I want this so much, but I also know that God is in control and I wouldn't have even made it this far without him. So I will keep waiting and trusting and praying and see what he does. He is a big God, and my trust is in him.

So please pray that my doubts about this will pale and that my faith will grow with each passing day as I find out more about the publishing process. I will keep you posted if you will keep praying. Thank you so much.

May God Bless You.

Two More Weeks!

2009-05-10T19:31:00.003-05:00

(Warning: This is a long post, so if you don't have a lot of time set aside to read blogs today, you might want to come back and read it when you can.)

I went home this weekend for Mother's Day Weekend despite the fact that my mother is in Oregon with her mother. I'm very thankful that my mom is not gone all the time when I come home because there was no food worth eating at my house, and the house was a mess. Our little dog sure was happy to see me though. Since my mom's been gone her world has probably been very bleak as my mom is her companion, if you will. Hopefully when I come in two weeks the house will have returned to its normal state. Let's hope.

I met with my pastor about the internship at my church this summer. It will be a lot of work, but I'm excited, and now I have a lot of respect for youth pastors. They really do have a lot on their plates. We have to plan a lot of events and activities for the youth, but I think it will be worth it and a lot of fun.

Before I left for the weekend, we experienced a small tornado/thunderstorm here on Friday morning. The rain was horrible, trees were knocked down, and all of our campus lost power. Classes were canceled and I went home early. It was so nice. God worked it all out because I had ordered a new laptop the night before since my other one was broken, stopped in Joplin at Best Buy on my way home to have them start setting it up and loading stuff onto it, and I still had time to get home for my hair appointment. I think this is like the fifth different hairstyle I've had between 2008 and 2009 so far. But it's really cute and I think it will be light and cool for summer.

I went to one of my very good high school friend's wedding shower on Saturday, and then after that my brother and I went to Joplin to pick up my laptop which I must say is very nice. I'm very pleased with it. My brother and I also saw "17 Again" on Saturday night. It was really cute, and contrary to what I thought, it taught some very good morals, although there were some parts that were a little questionable. Overall, though, it was pretty good.

I've got two weeks left of my freshman year of college. I can't believe it. I took a lot of stuff home with me this weekend so I wouldn't have as much to pack up when I go home for good. I also have some more good news. I've been hired as the Forum Editor for the school Newspaper next year. I don't know if I've mentioned this yet or not, but I'm very excited. I'll get paid better than I've been paid on Yearbook this year, and I'll get to write more.

I've also changed my major. I've decided to go with English Education and minor in writing. I've never really had a passion for Public Relations and I just don't want to go into it. Teaching just seems more exciting to me and I've dreamed of doing that forever. I was so disappointed because this semester I didn't have any language or English courses. Well, next semester I have four. I think I'll be making up for the lost courses this semester.

Here's what my schedule looks like for the Fall 2009 semester:
Astronomy (I have to have it for my physical science.)
American History 1492-1877 (also a general education course, but I think I'll like it)
World Literature (a gen ed, but it's about literature so that's good.)
Fundamentals of Speech Communication (also a gen ed)
Writing Fiction (a class for my minor)
American Literature (a class for my major)

I'm very excited for my fall classes. I'm taking 18 hours, so I'll have a full plate, but I think it will be fun. I'm also still hoping to get to study abroad spring of my junior year, so I'll be praying about that as well.

There is this song that's been playing through my head since last Monday in chapel. The lyrics are as follows:

He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane
I am a tree
Bending beneath
The weight of his wind and mercy

When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these
Afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful you are
And how great your afflictions for me

Oh how he loves us so
Oh how he loves us
How he loves us so

We are his portion
And he is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking

So heaven meats earth like a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart burns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way

He loves us
Oh how he loves us
Oh how he loves us
How he loves us
Oh He loves

These lyrics have been swimming through my mind, and I can't seem to forget them. It's kind of nice though. I don't really want to forget them. I need to be reminded on a second by second basis of how much my Father loves me. I forget so often.

I recently finished a book entitled The Shack. If you haven't read this, get on Amazon, go to the bookstore, I don't care what you do, just find a copy of this book. It's written by W.M. Paul Young. I'm not going to elaborate on the story line because if I did, I would ruin it. It's probably the best book I've read in a very long time. It's fiction, and it's just amazing. I say a lot of things are amazing, but this is like ultra amazing. I will say this though, have a box of Kleenex's near by because you will cry. And it's not like a gushy romance story cry, it's like God's changing your world cry. But that's all I'm going to say. Just find this book.

I can't believe that in two days it will be a whole year since my great-grandmother passed away. The days have gone by so fast. I miss her so much. Sometimes it's still hard to comprehend that she really is gone, and that her beautiful house is just sitting down on the farm empty. I ask God to send her my love often. I miss her smile, her cute, fragile self, and the way she would laugh when we caught her without her horse (walker). This has just been a very different year. It's been a year full of change and a year full of learning new and valuable lessons about life. In a way, I'm glad to be going home in two weeks, but on the other hand, I love this town. I this college, I love the friends I've made, I love my roommate who will be leaving me, and I love the sense of independence that I have. It's great. Time just doesn't care though. It just scoots along, and we have to accept its speed whether we like it or not.

You probably didn't know this was going to be such a long post, but I feel like I've just got a lot going on. By the way, if you are a praying person, you can pray for me this week. I've got a lab final in Biology and Computing (not sure which one of those is going to be worse), and I've just got a busy schedule on top of all of that. We'll see how much sleep this girl gets this week. Hopefully more than last week, but we'll see.

If any of you would like to discuss The Shack after you read it, please feel free to do so, but I don't want to ruin it. It's just so good.

Let this week be a God blessed one for you.

A Weekend Down South

2009-05-04T22:37:00.006-05:00

I went to Texas with some friends over the weekend and had a blast. There were five of us stuffed into one car, but it was worth every scrunched minute and hour. We had a few awkward moments on the road and off, and I think I took in enough calories over the weekend to make up for the next month. I did go work-out tonight, though, so I'm trying to get back on track from my food and fun-filled weekend.

On Friday night, we ate, watched a movie, ate some more, and then we went to bed. Well, we tried to go to bed. Sarah and I stayed up talking until around 2:41am. That's going to be something we'll have to watch next semester as she will be my roommate and that will not be a good habit to start.

Saturday we woke up and had breakfast that was very scrumptious. We even had thick crisp bacon. Definitely better than cafeteria food. Then we went to Dallas. That was so fun. I hadn't been there in around four or five years, and it's changed so much. It's so pretty in a modern, sophisticated sort of way. It's definitely not as beautiful as my family's farm, but it's still pretty. Before we headed to eat lunch/dinner, we stopped at the Dallas Cowboys' new football stadium. It's still under construction, but it's so pretty. I'm not really a fan of the Cowboys, but it was an NFL stadium, and anything NFL is awesome for me.

This first picture is of the stadium. The second is our whole entourage. From left to right: Katlyn, Me, Sarah, Katie, and our wonderful host and dedicated driver from Oklahoma to Texas and back, Christina (A.K.A. Nina).

That was so much fun. I was so thrilled just to be that close to the stadium. Pretty sure that's the closest I've been to anything NFL. Now if only I could just get in one. One day.....

Then we went to Frisco for lunch. We ate at on the border and OMG, it was amazing. The best food I've ever had, hands down. They came out and made guacamole for us right there at our table, and I about died. So good. Then I ordered a shrimp fajita, with really good vegetables, and chipotle honey sauce. Let's just say my tummy was very happy.

Then we went shopping at Frisco's Mall. That was fun, although, it was a little ritzy. I did get two really cute shirts, some earrings, some workout shorts, and a great scarf. Sarah and I also tried on some dresses and we have a great memory from that that we won't soon forget. Let's just say it was a little awkward, so much so that I won't discuss it on the World Wide Web. But it was very funny.

We went back to Nina's house and watched Mama Mia, which I must say was a little corny and I ended up getting that song stuck in my head, and we ate more food. Story of our lives. It was fun, though.

Sunday we went to Nina's church, and then afterwards we went to her Mimi's house and had lunch. More food, but it was great too. We had fried chicken that was breaded perfectly, mashed potatoes, green beans, rolls, and a salad, and for dessert there was Italian Cream Cake. I could've burst. I really wanted to curl up sleep right there at the table.

Then we had to leave and Nina's mom gave us all little goody bags filled with candy and little nick-knacks to remember our time in Texas.

The ride back was fun. We stopped to use the restroom as our first stop and then Sarah bought a Diet Mountain Dew. About twenty minutes later, she had to use the restroom again. That was at Big Cabin, and I thought we should leave her. Ha ha. But we didn't. We got back to good ole college town at around 9:30 last night, and I was so glad not be scrunched in that car anymore.

We have plans to return to good ole Texas soon. Probably in the fall semester. I loved everything about our trip. The girls even got me with the classic rattlesnake eggs in the envelope trick. Let's just say there were not rattlesnake eggs in the envelope.

Three more weeks of my first year of college. Two of classes, the last one finals. Can't wait. I'm hoping to make A's in all my classes, but we'll see what happens. I'll post later about the update with my major and all. I've got to go now, though.

May God Bless you, wherever you are.

Kisses from God

2009-04-30T00:18:00.002-05:00

So today started out okay. I woke up tired--a usual state these days--and forced myself out of bed. There was no hot water, so I only ended up washing my hair. I can stand washing my hair in cold water, but not taking a cold shower. Needless to say, that woke me up.

It was kind of dreary here today, and I was still tired after my Biology class so I skipped chapel. Today was my first skip all semester, and we get seven skips. I tried to sleep, but my mind was doing one hundred other things and wouldn't let me.

Finally, it was time to go to my favorite class, Intro to Music. You probably can't taste the hint of sarcasm there, but it's not really my favorite class. Sometimes it's hard to keep a good attitude in that class, but today I did better, and to my great surprise, the class actually went by faster. It was wonderful. I was so pleased.

Then I went to lunch, and I ate with my roommie and future suite mates. That was fun. They always make me laugh. I went to the yearbook office to work on some stuff before heading to my Old Testament Class. It was a good lecture, and I'm learning a lot about the prophets.

Then I walked back to class with my body begging for me to sleep. But I didn't want to sleep. I had wanted to sleep earlier, but not then. I went back to the dorm, checked the mail because my mom had sent me a check for my trip to Texas this weekend, took it to the bank, went to Wal-Mart, and then went to the park to walk/run. Well, I had made it once around the park walking briskly, and I started on my second time. I was running, then walking, then running, then walking. I don't really believe in running with all your might except in our spiritual race in life. I will run for little segments to get my heart rate going, but the only time I'll flat out run for you is if there is a fire. Other than that, I don't see a need to sprint. So I kept up with my little pattern. (Funny side note: our park has a peacock in it, and as I was walking past it today, it really starting squawking, or whatever peacocks do. It was so loud, and so funny. It kind of scared me.) Anyway, I was at the top of this hill and could see my little truck off in the distance when it started to sprinkle. I thought, "Well a sprinkle isn't too bad. I can handle this." I walked a little further and the sprinkle turned into a light, steady rain. And slowly but surely that light, steady rain turned into a full on downpour. I started to run then, but my poor little not-used-to- running-body tuckered out on me. I just walked in the downpour.

It was kind of neat though. I've always wanted to just walk in the rain and not care if I get totally soaked. It's just kind of fun. I was laughing so hard. Lately, I've been battling with choosing God's love over falling for worldly romance. Walking through that rain, feeling the cold moisture land on my shoulders and face, it was easy to choose God's love. No other man on this earth can kiss me with rain. No other man can make it rain. I laughed in such a way that I never had before. I almost wanted to cry. It was as if everyone of those raindrops was a kiss from God. The rain smelled so fresh and made my skin so soft. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever experienced.

When I got back to the truck, my hair was soaked as were my tennis shoes and socks. But I didn't care. It was all so fun. I was so caught up in being soaked with God's love that nothing else mattered.

He's been showing me so many new things lately, and I've started a new book. Well, actually two, but one's been occupying my time more than the other. He's filling my head with ideas that I write down, in turn, glorifying him.

I'm going to Texas this weekend with four other girls. I can't wait. I haven't been to Texas in about four or five years, and I miss it so much. I don't miss the heat and humidity, but I do miss the memories that were once made in that grand state when my aunt used to live there. What fun times those were.

Well, I really should study for my computing quiz I have tomorrow, but I want to leave you with one last thought.

The next time you wonder if God is really there and if he really cares about your life, wait for a good downpour and go and just stand in it. How many times do we run from rain? No one wants to get wet, but clothes dry and life goes on. Get wet in God's love and let him kiss you. It will be a kiss you won't soon forget.

May you have a God Blessed rest of the week.

Awaiting summer and all its glory!

2009-04-22T16:18:00.003-05:00

I think I have around three and a half weeks of school left plus finals week. That doesn't seem possible. The days are going by really fast and last week went by like a blink. It's when I sit in the classes that I don't like that make it seem like the end of school will never get here. But I know that I don't have much longer left. And for this I am so thankful.

I'm considering changing my major, again. For a long time, before I ever graduated high school, I wanted to teach English. Then I decided against it because I didn't want to go back to school after getting out of school, even if it was just to teach. To be honest though, I have no desire to go into Public Relations. I think the reason why I wanted to double major in that with writing was because I thought it would be easy to get a job and it would help me get a start in writing. But I've never dreamed of working in that field, and to be honest, I can't see myself doing that when I get out of college.

Two nights ago, my roommie and I watched this movie called "Freedom Writers" starring Hilary Swank. This movie was amazing. It reminded me of why I had ever wanted to teach in the first place. I even looked at the hours on our school website and it would be totally manageable. I also think it would put my parents a little more at ease. Not that I should pick my career based on what my parents think, but with the way the economy is, we have concurred that it will probably be easier finding a teaching job than a PR position. Plus, I will have summers off to write, and I would have holidays and weekends off with my kids. I know I have to be wise about my decision, which I will because I will consult God about every step of making it, but I also think that using common sense is wise in a matter like this.

I'm still praying about it though. I'm going to talk to one of my high school teachers who made an impact on my life and ask her how she knew she was supposed to teach. I told God a long time ago that I would do whatever it was he wanted me to do. I don't even know if teaching is the career he has for me or not. But thinking about teaching leaves me with a greater peace than PR.

I started reading this book by Frances J. Roberts called Come Away, My Beloved. I had never heard of it until one of the girls who I know here at college found a copy and posted an exert from it on facebook. Once I read that, I knew I had to have it and I ordered a copy from Amazon. It's probably one of the best books I've ever read. It's written as if God is speaking directly to you in an intimate and personal way. There are times I just want to cry because it's so breathtaking. The book is the original version of it, so the language is old English written with all the "thee's" and "ye's." But I love it. I'm also reading like four other books right now that I hope to finish soon along with all the reading for my classes. Then I also have books I haven't even started that I want to read. I wish I had all the time in the world to just sit and read and write. I would have to take breaks to sleep, eat, and work-out, but other than that, I would be set.

Anyway, I hadn't blogged in a while and I just wanted to catch up. Today is beautiful, and it's just a taste of the beautiful summer God has coming my way.

Hope your day is beautiful and gorgeous too.
God Bless.

In love. . . with this guy I know called God.

2009-04-13T22:26:00.006-05:00

I'm back at school from my long weekend, and it was so nice to go home. I did go to the doctor's office on Thursday when I got home and they drew my blood. I found out today that my iron is low, but everything else is fine. They also ordered an ultrasound of my abdomen (which I must say was a little awkward, especially since a guy did it), but I did get to see my liver, one of my kidneys, my gallbladder, and my aorta. It was kind of neat to see them because I had just studied them in Biology and now I know that they really are in there.

My mom and I went to Joplin on Saturday and had a ball. I love her so much. She, of course, was her goofy self and we made some pretty funny memories that day. We went by this place called Suzanne's Natural Foods. I found some gluten-free stuff and for the past 48 hours, I have been gluten-free, and already I feel better. Granted it is difficult to eat things without gluten, but I've noticed that everything (or almost everything) that contains gluten is not good for you. I've eaten really healthy these last 48 hours and I'm sure I will continue to as to avoid what I had been going through.

On Wednesday I'm going to another health food store with my roommate to try to find some more food. My mom and I also found these books at the health food store in Joplin about dieting based on your blood type. I thought it was kind of odd that one's blood type could have a correlation with what one eats, but after I read a little bit of it, it really opened my eyes to a lot of pertinent information. In these books (mine was for type O blood and my mom's was for type A, although she isn't sure if that's her blood type, but she thinks so), it breaks down each food group and tells you what foods are highly beneficial, what foods are neutral, and what foods to avoid. Over winter break I ate a lot of oranges because I love oranges. After about a week of eating all these oranges, my face started breaking out. Well, when I looked in this book under the fruit section, it told me to avoid oranges. This book equates highly beneficial foods to medicines and foods to avoid as poisons. So if oranges are like a poison to my body, no wonder I broke out. Under the grains, breads, and pastas food group there was nothing highly beneficial for me except manna bread. I don't even know what that is. But it told me to avoid gluten and every kind of wheat. Funny huh?

Thanks for all the prayers. I am feeling much better. My mom said that my doctor was writing me a script for an iron pill so I will be starting that shortly and hopefully that will help my iron deficiency.

School is going good, although I'm getting ready for it to be out. We have five weeks and finals left, but I think it will go by fast. This weekend I'm going to a play with a friend that our college is putting on. It's called "The Importance of Being Earnest." I've seen the movie and it's great, so I'm really excited to see the play. The next weekend I have another Welcome Week training weekend. Then I'm going to Texas with some friends the first weekend of May. After that we're having a lock-in with the kids from the Wednesday night ministry that I work with on the second weekend in May. On the third weekend, I'm going to a training for the pregnancy crisis center that I will be continuing with in the fall, and then I'm done. The fourth weekend in May I'm going to one of my really good friend's wedding. I'm so excited for her and I know she will look beautiful. (Love you, Hannah)

So that's what the rest of my semester looks like. That wore me out just thinking about it. I enroll on Wednesday for the fall semester. That doesn't seem possible. I'm going to be a sophomore in college next year. Time goes by so fast.

God is still teaching me more everyday, and I'm learning to fall more in love with him. He romances me and shows me how much he loves me. I couldn't have a better guy in the whole world.

I hope your week is wonderful. May God Bless.

A Good Dose of Humble Pie!

2009-04-08T12:30:00.002-05:00

If I could say one thing about the last week, it is this: I know God is working on me. And by that, I mean he is humbling me with every experience I go through. He wants me to become more like his son, and the only way to do that is to break my pride. For some reason, my pride has gotten in the way lately and has bloomed, but not in a very pretty way. It's funny how well God knows us. He knows the exact things that will hurt the worst, but also the things that we will grow from the most.

He's also, once again, showing his unfailing love for me. The other night my dad called me saying that my pastor from back home was looking for a female intern to work with the youth at our church this summer. Our youth pastor resigned about a month and a half ago, and they already have a male intern. It would be a paid position, and I would get to work with youth, more specifically, teenage girls. My mom has been praying for this for a long time. I didn't even see it coming. I had been worried about finding a summer job, but God just kind of brought this one my way. He's so good.

I'm going home this weekend to get some tests done. My mom and I think I may have a gluten intolerance along with lactose intolerance. I didn't really think about the lactose thing because I don't break out or have any symptoms when I take in lactose, but she still thinks it could be there. We are also going to get my thyroid tested. My iron has also been low, but we think that could be related to the gluten thing. I don't know what to think. If I am allergic to gluten, the majority of the foods I eat will be out the window. I'll have to learn how to eat all over again. Thankfully, though, the condition is becoming more common so manufacturers are starting to make foods without gluten. I will give updates as soon as I return. Hopefully, there's nothing too wrong with me.

Well, I have class in about twenty minutes so I better wrap it up. I hope you have a lovely Easter and may we rejoice that he did rise again and waits to come get us some day.

May God Bless during this season.

Lesson Number.....I don't know, I've lost count.

2009-04-02T19:00:00.003-05:00

So I didn't get the RA position at my residence hall. At first, I was a little upset as can be expected. Then I called my mom and vented a little bit to her. I know God has a reason for not allowing me to have the position. I don't quite know what that reason is, but I'm sure that I'll look back on this someday, and I'll know the reason then. Some good things that have come out of it are that I will have more time to spend at the pregnancy resource center where I will be mentoring starting in the fall. I will also be able to get a job, hopefully. And I'll have more time for my classes and being with friends. Not that I wouldn't have had that time with friends, but being a RA is a constant 24/7 job.

I think God has already taught me a few lessons since discovering the outcome earlier this afternoon. 1.) If I would've been offered the position, my room and board would have been paid for and a very great money concern would've been fixed, just like that. What if God is saying, "Jana, I want you to depend on me for all your financial needs. You never know how I may surprise you and fulfill them. I want you to keep trusting me"? I can almost hear him saying those exact words. 2.) The second lesson he's teaching me is humility. I could get into a long drawn out discourse about something, but I won't. Just take my word for it, I'm very humbled right now. That's for sure. 3.) And thirdly, the big kahuna if you will, he wants me to stop being so much of a planner. Where have we heard this before? Uh, let's see, maybe the first three weeks of when I got back to school in January. God keeps teaching me that his ways are not my ways. And I know that he has something better for me since I didn't get RA.

Another thing I thought of ,though, as I was driving to Wal-Mart after my long and needed talk with my mother is that I am a dreamer. I love to dream (plan) about things to come. I know some of the things I dream about are dreams given to me by God. Some of them might not be. But when I dream about something and wish for it like I did this, anticipation rushes through my veins like nothing ever has. It's stronger than adrenaline, it's just this powerful thing. But then, when things don't go the way you planned and dreams don't come true, you have to take a step back and wonder, "Why did I dream so big with this, yet only have my dreams dashed?" or "What is the point of dreaming at all if there is always that chance of disappointment?" Those are very good questions. And one could say that yes the safer thing would be to stop dreaming altogether and not have the opportunity of disappointment. But I would say that dreams are from God. Whether they are fulfilled or not, they are given to us for a reason. Some of my dreams have already been fulfilled, some have not, and like today, some get dashed. But the point is to never stop dreaming and that dreams are just dreams. They may or may not come true, but imagining them coming true is a delightful thing.

I don't know what lesson this is in my long line of "God Lessons" that I've been taught because trust me, there have been a plethora. But this one is just as poignant and pertinent as the one before it and the next one. Maybe learning this lesson was more important to God than me being a RA. Who knows except God?

Tomorrow my Old Testament group presents our group project. I'm really excited, and I think all our hard work will pay off and we will get A's. That's what I'm hoping for. I guess we'll see.

Thank you again for listening to me talk about my weird life and random lessons from God. But I guess in God's eyes, nothing is random or weird. It's just how he planned it and how he designed us.

I need to go. I have to read for my music class and work on our paper for the project. By the way, if you want to check out our video we made for the project, this is the link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b8Skw1ZmHv0. Just watch it and laugh. You'd have to hear the whole presentation for the video to make sense, but just laugh. It's pretty funny.

God Bless.

2009-03-30T20:05:00.002-05:00

I'm back at school. This was actually the first time I've left home and haven't been sad to leave. I don't know why it was that way, but it just was. My brother and I didn't get along the best over break, and not that my parents are overprotective, but I'm just not used to having them around all the time. Let's just say it's been wonderful to get back to school and enjoy my freedom. It tastes wonderful.

I had my second Resident Assistant interview tonight. I thought I was going to have a third one, but they said I would find out by the end of the week. I will let you know what happens. I've told God that no matter what happens, I've learned a lot from applying, and there is always next year.

When I was home on break, I went with my grandmother to her dentist's appointment in a town that is about an hour and half from where I live. It was fun, and we got to do a little shopping in this cute little town. We stopped at this old shop (reminded me of a Ma and Pa shop) that was starting to add booths like at an antique place. Well, one booth had a little display of rings that had little diamonds in them. They're not real diamonds, but the jewels shimmer like diamonds and the actual band is some sort of silver. Anyway, I bought one for $2.75. I didn't know why I was buying it at first. I just knew I like it and it was cheap. But throughout the day and the rest of the week I figured out what it means to me, what it represents in my life. This ring will be a daily reminder that God needs to come first in all I do. I need to seek him and his wisdom in every situation. I need to make him my first love and be faithful to him. I've realized lately just how great his grace is. There is no bounds to it, just as with his love. He goes with us every mile that we mess up. I call it the Nth mile. No matter how many times we think we have blown it, he's still there. Just fill in a number and that's how many times he walk with you and more. I find that overwhelming and myself even more undeserving of his grace and love. I'm so thankful he chooses to love me. But I know I have a part to play. I have to give him my whole self and serve him with my whole heart. It's a relationship and so many times the relationship struggles because I don't uphold my end of it.

Lately, my quiet time has been kind of shabby. I've just been so busy, but that is no excuse. This morning I woke up 30 minutes early and prayed and read my Bible. It was just me and God and it was great. I've started reading The Journals of Jim Elliot by Elisabeth Elliot. I found the book at an old book sale a couple of years ago and started to read it then. But it's a little deep and I just don't think I was ready for it then. But Jim Elliot is one of my biggest heroes along with his wife Elisabeth. If I could meet one person, it would be Elisabeth Elliot, and if Jim were still alive, I would meet him as well. But their story and their life's work are amazing. They are both a great inspiration to me, and when I read what he wrote so long ago, I stand amazed at his devotion to God. Everything, whether it was breathing or going to class or exercising, Jim did it for God's glory. Sometimes I don't even feel worthy to read his words, but my goal would be to emulate his life just like I want to emulate Christ's life.

It's hard to believe that there are only two months left of my freshman year of college. It's gone by so fast. And I have loved every minute of it. Some of the days have been rough, and some of the nights have been rougher. But God has been there every minute of it, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I've learned so much that I wouldn't have learned had I stayed in my hometown or gone to school where God didn't want me to go. God has become my constant, my strength. Without him, I wouldn't have made it this far, and without him, I will go no further. I've learned that my relationship with him is more about just feeling a certain way when I read my Bible and pray. It's just about being with him and listening to him. It's about opening up the Bible not expecting a feeling when I read scripture, but reading something or interpreting something that motivates me to live differently.

Well, I'm going to go work out with some friends since I actually have some free time tonight. I will update with more later.

May God Bless you and may you live for him.

Home Sweet Home!

2009-03-15T13:23:00.002-05:00

I have one more week until Spring Break. I will have earned it too because I have six tests this week. I have four on Wednesday and two on Thursday. Contrary to the stress I should be having, I think I'm handling it quite well. When I first figured out I was going to have all those tests in one week, I kind of freaked out, but God had to remind me that they are just tests. He's in control of those too.

I talked to my mom last night on the phone for almost an hour. I love our conversations on the phone. If you would've asked me this time last year when I was in high school if I would love going home and love talking to my family on the phone when I got to college, I would've told you no. I was so ready to get out of my town and get away from that school. Now, I miss it. Not really the high school part, but the family and the familiarity of the town. I think I've realized more this year than ever how much I love my family, especially my parents. They are still and will always be first and foremost my parents, but after that they are my best friends. I look forward to talking to my mom so much. I was sitting here studying last night thinking that I should call her when all of the sudden the phone rang. It was her. I guess great minds think alike.

Today in church the pastor talked about being a genuine Christian. Being real. Not being a hypocrite and someone who lives a lie, but someone who is real and open and honest about life. I wonder sometimes how different the world would be if we quit expecting perfection from everyone. We all make mistakes. We all fail at some point in life. Why not accept it, forgive that person, and help each other not to make those same mistakes again. I've had to learn a hard lesson in the past few weeks. I've realized that without the love of Jesus in me, I'm not a very nice person. That's been noticed by one of my really good friends, and we had to talk about it. I don't know why, but sometimes I just have this problem of being nice to people. I don't do it on purpose, it's just that unruly side of me that's not under the will of Jesus. It's something I have to work on.

God can take such simple things and teach us great lessons from them. Being nice, being real with people, and loving the safety and comfort of home. Don't take what you have for granted. Whether life is hard right now, whether it's great; know that God is right there ready to show you something new about him.

Well, I don't know if I will post again this week before I leave. But if I don't, I will update when I return from Home Sweet Home.
God Bless.

Letting God be Awesome . . . because He Is!!

2009-03-02T16:45:00.003-06:00

I survived last week, and I ended up making a 97 on my first Biology test. I was so thrilled, and I thanked God so much. I called my mom the morning of the test and ended up crying on the phone because I was so nervous. I'm glad that's over with, and I'm also glad that now I have had a test in all my classes and I know how to study for them.

There is a Spring Writing Contest that my school puts on every spring, and I'm entering it this year. I debated on what to write about at first because (go figure) my dilemma is not that I don't know what to write, but that I have four different ideas in my head. The other day, though, I just made a decision. I've decided to write a short story about my great-grandmother. I ended up writing it Friday night. My roommate was gone to St. Louis with some friends, and I stayed up until almost four in the morning writing it. (I think if I ever do write novels for a living, I will write in the wee hours of the morning. There's just something about writing and creating when everyone else is sleeping.) I reread it a few times, and I cried, of course. I still has some tweaking to do, but I think it will be good when the deadline rolls around. I also wrote a research paper for the Old Testament group that I'm in over the weekend. If you can call wanting to write a research paper a selfish act I guess you could because that's how I look at it. I wanted to write it because, not trying to boast here, writing is my forte and I wanted us to get a good grade. We don't present until April 3rd, but I hate procrastinating. Now all we have to do is edit it as a group, and it will be done when we get back from Spring Break. We also have to film a movie presentation for the class. We're researching the behemoth and leviathan from Job chapters 40 and 41. It's a very interesting subject, and I've learned a lot from going in depth in the research world. God uses some very obscure objects to make a very huge point.

Job, up until these chapters, has been questioning God why these things have happened to him (i.e. losing his family, possessions, and livestock). God comes back with the explanations of the behemoth and leviathan in those chapters and basically tells Job that he needs to cool it. He shows Job his need for humility in the face of these hard times. God also shows Job his need to trust in him. This is such a needed lesson for me. The imagery from these two chapters is really amazing, so if you get the time, you should read them.

I also picked up a RA application today. If you don't know, RA stands for resident assistant. She/he is someone who lives on the hall of a dorm floor that is kind of in charge of that hall. They are there to assist any of the students and also lead in hall activities. A perk for being a RA is that you get your room and board paid for. This would be such a wonderful blessing for me because this college is kind of expensive. It's not the only reason I'm applying to be a RA, but it's one of the reasons. I've told myself though, since there are a few girls applying for the position, that even if I don't get it, God will provide the money in another way. He has for both semesters so far, and I know he will continue to do so. He's just that awesome.

Well, it's closing in on dinner time, and I'm getting a little hungry. I hope it is warm where you are because it's not so warm here. We had snow over the weekend, and it's kind of chilly. I can't wait for spring.

May God bless your week.

Hanging On in the Hands of God

2009-02-23T22:48:00.005-06:00

I've come to realize over the last few weeks that I've been tricking myself for a ridiculous amount of time. I tricked myself in high school thinking I had found my best friend who would always be there for me. I tricked myself when I got to college thinking I had found another new best friend who would always be there for me and be able to tell me anything. Tonight I found out differently.

God has been showing me that until I can find total satisfaction and rest and peace in him, then I will not find fulfillment in earthly relationships. My friends and my relationships can't meet all my needs. Only God can do that. I guess I've always watched Anne of Green Gables way too much and dreamed of the kind of relationship that Anne and Diana had. But is that kind of a relationship really possible here on earth? I don't know. I've yet to find it. I just know that God has been stripping away everything from me until all I have left is him. I'm a very relational person and I would love to find that one person that I could spill my heart to, but God's been trying to get my attention and tell me, "Hey, I'm that one person." It's just hard because he's not a tangible being sitting right next to me. His response is not audible.

Sometimes I wonder if Jesus ever felt lonely. He had twelve disciples with him, he had his mother and brothers, he had his followers; but in the midst of that vast array of people, did he ever just feel like no one understood him, like no one really knew him? That's how I feel. I feel like even though I know people's names and I know who they are, I don't have any relationships where I feel I belong. I know it's just my freshman year, and I know I have three years left of college, but I just thought this stage of not having a best friend would end when I arrived at college. The obvious has been there all along, but I didn't want to accept it. God has to be my best friend, my true love, my everything before anyone here on earth can fill those places. God has to be first in everything I do.

We've all been taught that when we first accept Christ as our Savior that we are babies in Christ. Well, I accepted Christ when I was six years old. I've been a Christian for thirteen years. I noticed that similar to the age when teenagers start to rebel, I am at the "spiritual age" where I am rebelling God. It's like what Paul says in Romans 7. He does what he doesn't want to do, and he doesn't do what he wants to do.

I wish someone would've written a book about the realities of college. Not the feel good, "College is great" side of college; the part that says, "Homesickness is real, weirdness is inevitable, awkwardness will happen, and not being able to hear God is normal." No one prepared me for this. I thought it was going to be happy days and no worries. That couldn't be further from the truth. Don't get me wrong, I do really enjoy the freedom and I love that I'm getting an education and learning a lot, but it's just really weird. I don't know any other way to describe it.

Some good things that have happened recently are that I have finally figured out what I'm going to major in. I'm going to double major in Public Relations Communications and Writing. Both majors are 36 hours and so I will have plenty of time to complete both in four years. I am also considering studying abroad. Every time I think about it my heart goes crazy and I just get so excited. I would love nothing more than to study literature in one of the most historical literary capitals of the world: London. Wouldn't that be amazing?

I'm also learning to re-trust God with the little things. He has funny ways of doing it, but he does it. He's such a great God. I'm glad he puts up with all of my inconsistencies and craziness. Thank goodness for his renewed mercies every morning. Thank goodness for his unfailing love.

Spring Break Anyone?

2009-02-18T21:22:00.003-06:00

This week I've already had two quizzes, one test, and then tomorrow I have a quiz, and Friday I have another test. Then next week I have three tests one on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. It's a wonderful life.

This semester has been good so far, but I think I've mentioned before that life is weird. I don't know if I thought it would change when I got back this semester, but it still hasn't. I'm taking a lot of classes I don't want to take, but I have to take them because they are general education requirements. There are just things I wish could be different about life, about myself, and about a lot of things. They really are just petty things that I need to give over to God and surrender to him. They aren't important, well to me they are, but in the big scheme of things they aren't that important. They could be changed so easily, but there's this small part of me called my flesh that won't let them go. It's part of being a sinful human, but I guess I just need some prayer.

Well, with that said, pray for me as well as I take my tests and try to make it until Spring Break. I will be really happy when that part of the semester rolls my way. I just have to tell myself that this time next year, I will be taking classes I want to take working toward my major!!!

That's all for now.
God Bless!

Third Times the Charm!!!

2009-02-10T18:14:00.002-06:00

This is first week in three weeks that nothing tragic has happened to my truck. Praise be to God. Sometimes God just gives us little tests and sometimes they come all at once.

I went to our crisis pregnancy center to volunteer today for the first time in over a month. I missed it so much. I was so glad to be back and getting back into the normal routine of things. Not much is going on here. My roommate and I are hosting a prospective student this weekend for what's called "Bearcat Days." About 200 seniors in high school are coming to stay Sunday night, and we get to host one in our dorm room. It will be really fun. I was a bearcat last year, and I can't believe that it's already been a year since I stayed here. Incredible.

My roommate also invited me to attend a Disciple Now weekend at a church not too far from here. I would be in charge of a group of girls ranging from 7th grade to seniors in high school. I'm very excited to do this. It will be the first weekend in March and I can't wait. (By the way, Disciple Now is like a weekend retreat that churches host and it's just a very close setting to grow deeper in your walk with Christ. That's a rough description.)

My roommate is also going home with me not this weekend, but next. It's going to be so much fun. She's never been to Oklahoma, and I'm excited to be the first person to take her there. Fun times.

Well, I've got to go take pictures at the basketball game for yearbook. Makin' the big bucks. Ha ha. Not really.

Until next time, God Bless.

God's Grace and Love!

2009-02-04T15:59:00.002-06:00

So yesterday, I had another learning experience about God's amazingness.

I was out of class by 10:45 yesterday morning, and I didn't have anything until 12:30, my bio lab. Well, I thought I would go to Wal-Mart and run some errands in my hour and forty-five minute break. I didn't want to waste any time. So I headed back to my room after I ate lunch, and then headed to Wal-Mart. As I was backing out of the dorm parking lot, I noticed that my steering wheel was hard to turn. I thought it was weird, but I didn't think much about it. Well, then I noticed when I put it into drive that the gas pedal was hard to push down. This didn't surprise me because when I first started driving the truck I noticed the gas pedal stuck in a certain spot. I just usually give the pedal a little more pressure when this happens and it works just fine. Not so yesterday. I was almost out of the parking lot when I really stepped on it, and it just kind of flopped. There was no normal pressure to it, no normal "gas pedal" feeling. It felt like it was broken. Thank goodness it still ran and didn't stop moving on me in the middle of the road. It only went like 10 miles an hour, though. But I guess that's better than getting it stuck at like sixty miles an hour. That wouldn't have been good at all. And praise the Lord the brake pedal still worked. So I just kind of coasted into a parking lot nearest to where I was, and I was already just panicking and freaking out.

I called my dad and I was on the verge of tears. He told me to call the guy who had worked on my truck first semester. Then he could tell I was crying and asked me why I was upset. This wasn't a very good statement for him to make because (1) I didn't even know gas pedals could do this, and (2) I'm a girl, by myself, only back at college my second week, and I didn't know what to do. I told him I was flustered, and he, of course, told me not to worry about it. Mr. Fix It.

So I went into the dorm and found the number to the auto shop and called them. To make a long story short they didn't actually get to my truck until 3:30 yesterday afternoon. They actually came to the school to look at it. I popped the hood and the guy knew exactly where to look. I'm not going to try to explain what was wrong, but it was all due to the mechanism that controls my gas pedal cable not having enough lubrication. It was caught on something and that's why the pedal "broke." So he fixed it enough that I could drive it out to the shop. He followed me all the way and told me that if it went out again, he would tow it. Thankfully, I made it to the shop just fine. When I got there, he just sprayed some stuff on the mechanism and now it works so well.

The thing I learned the most with this is that no matter how insignificant or trivial a problem may be, God is still in control. I was so flustered yesterday. I was freaking out and not trusting him and afterwards, I was sorry I hadn't trusted God from the beginning. And the best thing of all was that it didn't cost me anything. The guys at that auto shop are the most amazing guys in the world when it comes to cars. They are so nice, especially to the college students because they know we are poor.

Anyway, just wanted to share. Just remember that no matter what life throws at you, no matter what "gas pedal breaks" in your life; God is right there waiting to fix it if we will trust him and let him into our lives. I think I've been pushing God away lately. Not consciously, but I've still been doing it. Yesterday was a way of him pulling in the reigns for me. He called to me and I heard him. I ran into his open arms. One is grace, the other love.

Well.....

2009-01-31T01:31:00.003-06:00

My first full week back was okay. Aside from the ice and snow and cold weather, it was good. I like most of my classes, and I've already met a lot of new people. Tonight my roommate invited two girls over and we watched the Count of Monte Cristo until one o'clock. It was really fun.

My two favorite classes are Old Testament History and (dare I say it), Biology. I didn't think I would like Biology at all because I hate science and math, but I do. Most of the reason why I like it is the professor. He's really good at what he teaches and he makes it easy to understand. I've grown to learn even in this first week back that a professor makes or breaks a class.

My computing and intro to music classes I think will be easy because I already know a lot about both subjects. I'm not saying I won't learn new things, but they won't be classes I will have to stress about. I'm also in a psych class that I think will end up being easier than what I thought on the first day. My other class that I'm in is a class called Critical Thinking. It's good so far. The class ends right before Spring Break so I can't complain.

I've worked out twice this week, which isn't much, but it's good for me, especially on the first week back. After tonight (yes we had some food to go along with our movie) I'm going to need to eat lightly tomorrow and really work-out good.

The snow is melting although it left behind a lovely amount of slush. My roommate and I also rearranged our room today and it looks really good. We moved by bed up against the wall and brought the tv over to where our beds are. So now we can actually watch tv from our beds. It's really nice. And on the other side of the room there is a lot more space. (Hey, Katlyn, I guess we kind of got a work-out doing that. Wink, wink.)

I've come to a realization that might have hit more over break than it has since I've been back. I think I am going to stick with writing for my major for now. I had thought about looking into this thing called the Indian Health Program that gives scholarships to students who major in certain health fields. To do this I would've majored in either psych or sociology. Right now, neither of those seem appealing. I was at home one day over break just writing, and I realized that God has given me this gift. I've already written what I call a novel, and I know he wouldn't have given this to me for nothing. Writing is a big part of my life. If someone told me tomorrow that I could never write again, I don't know what I would do. It's almost like second nature to me. I know that I will have to trust God for money and other things, but what is life if all of it is mapped out perfectly without relying on God? That's not life. Life is trusting him and knowing that he will work everything out in his timing, in his way, and that it will far surpass anything I could imagine.

I was going through some books that I brought to college tonight (realizing that I brought too many :) surely not ) and I found one that had belonged to my great-grandmother. I don't know if my aunt had it first or if I got it after she died. But the copyright date read 1883. That book is over 120 years old. It is called Wellsprings of Life. It just has little tidbits of information on certain aspects of life. But the cover is beautiful and the pages are worn and yellowed. Books that old are such treasures. People who have been dead for a very long time held that book and wrote in it and probably just thought it was any old book. But to me, 126 years later, it's like gold. I want to write something like that someday and then 120 years later (if Jesus hasn't come back) I want to impact some one's life for the better because of it. Books capture me into their pages, into the folds of intricately planned stories. It's kind of how God has planned and written a story for each of our lives and we all fall into place in the story. Other than my love for my God and my family, I've never been so passionate about anything else.

So, yeah, I'm sticking with writing for now. I don't see myself doing anything else unless God tells me otherwise.

It's late, and I need to do some things tomorrow. Good night.

Pictures!!!

2009-01-30T14:12:00.002-06:00

So over my very long break, I painted my room and rearranged my furniture in my room. I thought I would put up a few pictures. I also wanted to share a couple of photos of what it looked like here on Tuesday night. It was really pretty with the snow and everything.

What A Day!!!

2009-01-26T23:02:00.002-06:00

So today was my first day of classes back at college. They went good, although I started that wonderful time of the month today so my stomach was a little upset, but other than that it was a good first day. I really like my Old Testament professor; I think he will be really funny.

So after my classes were over, which was around two, I headed back to my room. I knew I needed to work on a scholarship that is due in February. Not remembering how bad and how fast the awful weather was coming, I left the dorm room to go run some errands and take care of the scholarship. I went to the Alpha House where I volunteer and got that straightened out. I came back by the college and got my transcripts. Then I went to the bank to cash a check. My next stop was Wal-Mart. I had to get some stamps (which you can now get at Wal-Mart if you didn't know) and an envelope to mail the scholarships.

When I finally paid, I carefully made my way out to my truck stepping ever so lightly on the increasingly slippy parking lot. I got in my truck and started back for the college (which is not very far from Wal-Mart.) So I'm about halfway to the college and I slide in the road. Well, luckily the person behind me slid too. They didn't hit me, but it gave me room to back up a little bit and straighten out. I turned the corner onto the main college street and I was doing okay at like five miles per hour.

When I got to the entrance to the parking lot by my dorm, I started slipping a little more. But again, I did okay and it worked out. The bad news is I didn't find a parking spot in that parking lot and as I tried to exit that parking lot, my poor little non-front wheel and non-four wheel drive truck started to spin. It was not good. I even had it in second. I put it in park and it started to slip backwards, so I had to slam on the brake. After two or three more attempts, I finally gave up and called our campus' safety and security. They didn't do much to help me. Then I called my dorm office and they sent our Resident Director and one of the Resident Assistants out to help me. They helped a little, mainly just to calm my nerves. But right before they came out, this little gray car slid into the front of my truck. It didn't leave any damage, but the guy just drove off and didn't get out or anything. I wasn't too happy about that.

Finally after twenty minutes and holding up six cars from getting out of the parking lot, my friend's boyfriend walked up to the front of the line and asked what was going on. I explained my pitiful predicament and his girlfriend and my two suite mates jumped into the back of my truck to add some weight to it while he pushed. I've never really witnessed a miracle before, but I think this was the closest thing to one. It was amazing. It was like the hand of God had just come down and pushed my truck out onto the road. Right now my little truck is parked in an illegal parking spot because I could move it no further on account of slipping even more and having a wreck. So I am very thankful right now that God saved me and I'm praying that the local police don't give me a ticket.

So that wasn't very much fun, but a lot of very good things did happen today. I received a check in the mail from one of the nicer resale shops in my home town. I painted my room over the break and was getting rid of some things and took a few things by there. I must have sold something because the check was $18.22. I was very happy. I also had to have two transcripts for my scholarships and I thought they were going to be $10.00 each. It turns out that transcripts for scholarships are free. Who'd a thought? And I had to have a text book and a lab book for my intro to computing class and each of those at the used price is like $86.00. Today I bought them both for $75.00 from a friend I know through my roommate. And my friend whose boyfriend pushed my truck out of the parking lot is also letting me borrow one of her old books for a class. God is just so amazing. Every time I want to doubt him or think he can't handle something, he shows up and rebukes my doubt and proves me wrong. He showed me today that he's bigger than ice, money, doubts, worries, cramps; everything. He really does care about our insignificant daily lives. That's why I love him so much.

So you can pray that sometime tomorrow, if the roads aren't too slippery, I can find my truck a nice little parking spot and not get a ticket from the police. But I have faith that God will take care of everything. Even my truck.

I pray your day is amazing tomorrow. And remember that no matter how big your troubles may seem, God is still bigger than them, every last one.

Back to the Grindstone

2009-01-21T14:02:00.003-06:00

I've been on a Christmas/Winter Break for almost six weeks now. I head back to college on Sunday after church. I kind of have mixed feelings about heading back after being home for so long. I'm glad to be going back to school to finish my first year and finish classes. I also miss my friends. But I've been accustomed to being at home for the past six weeks and now I like being at home. But it will be so nice to be back at college and away from my loving but sometimes overbearing parents and annoying brother.

Yesterday was a very historic day for this nation. I watched the Inauguration and to be honest, I was sad to see Bush leave. I watched Obama escort Bush to the helicopter after the ceremony, and as Laura and George climbed on the plane, I cried as I watched all sense of familiarity disappear. Yeah I may be a republican who liked Bush, but it was so hard to see him go. It felt like someone had died. I hope Obama will be good for this country. I will be praying for him everyday, but we'll see what happens. I know God is in control.

Well, I will return to posting more regularly when I return to college. I've been away from the Internet for awhile so I haven't been able to post much. I will post more later.

God Bless.

Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland!!

2008-12-16T14:48:00.002-06:00

So Sunday night, it iced and snowed here. I, of course, was not awake when it happened, but if I had to guess it iced first and then it snowed. The ice and snow just kind of froze together and Monday morning all of the sidewalks and roads and anything cement was covered in a layer of frozen ice and snow. I have never experienced anything like it in my life. Then last night it snowed again, but thankfully there was no ice. So now we have a layer of ice and snow frozen together with a layer of snow on top of that. It's just wonderful. And might I add that it's absolutely freezing, but that goes without saying. I think Monday morning it was eleven degrees, but with the wind chill it felt around zero.

I had to drive to the bank today, and I did all right. The parking lots are still covered in ice, but the main roads are clear. My mom said that my brother was out of school yesterday, and I wonder if they were out again today. The school system here was out yesterday and today.

What I hope is that it begins melting tomorrow and that by Thursday it's clear so I can leave on Thursday and not on Friday.

I had a friend who told me that it didn't snow here, it iced. I didn't believe her at first, but now I do. My friend Tarah was driving out to her house yesterday and did two spins as in full circles on her road because it was so slippery.

Anyway, I hope if it is icy and snowy where you are that you are staying warm and that you are careful.

I also had my first final today and that went rather well. I was done in around thirty minutes. Tomorrow I don't have anything, but Thursday I have two finals. Then I leave for my five week break. I'm so excited.

I'll post more later.

Let's a take a trip back in Time.....

2008-12-14T18:01:00.002-06:00

So I was just googling stuff on the ole Internet and I found this thing that I know will be very precious for my roommate and my cousin who read my blog. They are my age and they will so know what I'm talking about with some of this stuff.

You're a 90's kid if:

You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE!"

You just cant resist finishing this... "Iiiiiiin west Philadelphia born and raised...

"You remember TGIF on ABC. Step by Step, Family Matters, Dinosaurs, and Boy Meets World."

Miss Susie had a steam boat, the steam boat had a bell..miss Suzie went to heaven the steamboat went to hell_o operator please give me number 9 and if you disconnect me i'll kick you from behind the fridgerator, there was a piece of glass, miss Suzie sat upon it and broke her little ***_k me no more questions, please tell me no more lies the boys are in the bathroom zipping up their flies, are in the city the bees are in the park .......................... miss Suzie and her boyfriend are kissing in the D-A-R-K- D-A-R-K D-A-R-K dark dark dar dar da dark"

You remember when Kurt Cobain, 2Pac, River Phoenix, and Selena died.

You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey from "Blossom" and that "How Rude!" comes from Stephanie from "Full House"

You remember falling in love with Kirk Cameron on "Growing Pains" and the wonderful show "Brotherly Love"

You remember when it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.

You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.

You remember reading "Goosebumps"

You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.

You danced to "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls, Females: had a new motto, Males: got a whole lot gay-er. (so tell me what you want, what you really really want.)

You remember the craze, then the banning of slap bracelets and slam books.

You still get the urge to say "NOT" after (almost) every sentence...Not...

You used to listen to the radio all day long just to record "Your FAVORITE song of ALL time"

Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? was both a game and a TV game show.

Captain Planet.

You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the green Ranger were meant to be together.

When playing power rangers with friends you fought over who got to be who............and still all ended up being Tommy.

You remember when super Nintendo's became popular.

You always wanted to send in a tape to America's Funniest Home Videos... but never taped anything funny.

You remember watching home alone 1, 2 , and 3........and tried to pull the pranks on "intruders"

"I've fallen and I can't get up"

One word,"Pokemon"

When you have played and beaten mario brothers/duck hunt.

If you ever watch cheers.

You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates

if you remember when every thing was "da BOMB"

when they made the new lunchables so that you could make tacos and pizza!!

Your mom always had a bow, a scrunchy or a headband in your hair (what was really bad was when you wanted to wear one)

You wore socks over leggings scrunched down"Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack, all dressed in black, black, black, with silver buttons, buttons, buttons, all down her back, back, back" SHE ASKED HER MOTHER MOTHER MOTHER FOR FIFTY CENTS CENTS CENTS TO SEE THE ELEPHANTS PHANTS PHANTS JUMP OVER THE FENCE THE FENCE THE FENCE he jumped so high high high he touched the sky sky sky and he didn't come back back back til the forth of July ly ly he jumped so low ow ow he stubbed his toe toe toe and that's the end end end of the elephants show show show

You remember boom boxes vs. cd players

Writing M.A.S.H. notes. (and the twenty different versions of that)

Making those little fortune cookie things.. and then predicting your life with them.

"I'm just joshin' ya!!"

You remember New Kids on The Block when they were cool

And You Were Obsessed with either N'sync or Backstreet Boys. But never NEVER both...

You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell"

You played and/or collected "Pogs"You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet or Nano and brought it everywhere

You haven't always had a computer, and it was cool to have the Internet.

You watched the original Care Bears, My Little Pony, and Ninja Turtles

Yikes pencils and erasers were the stuff!

When boys still had cooties and girls were still weird.Girls go to college to get more knowledge, boys go to Jupider to get more stupider! Or the other way around.

All your school supplies were "Lisa Frank" brand.(pencils.notebooks.binders.etc.)

You remember when the new Beanie Babies and talking Elmo were always sold out.

You collected those Beanie Babies.

You used to wear those stick on earrings, not only on your ears, but at the corners of your eyes.

You remember a time before the WB.

You owned a portable tape player.If you even know what an original Walkman is.

You remember wanting to sit on the orange Nickelodeon couch.

You've gotten creeped out by "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"

You know the Macarena by heart.

"Talk to the hand" ... enough said

You always said, "Then why don't you marry it!"

You know the significance of the number 23. (go mj.)

You went to McDonald's to play in the playplace.

You remember playing on merry go rounds...at the play ground.

You remember dreaming to be on a Nickelodeon game show: Double Dare, Nick Arcade, GUTS, Legends of the Hidden Temple, Fun House, Figure It Out, ...

You all know you watched Hey Dude, and Salute Your Shorts...Remember and You Cant Do That On Television where getting slimed first started!

When we were younger:

Before the My Space and Facebook frenzy...

Before the Internet & text messaging...

Before Sidekicks & iPods...

Before cellphones.

Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX......

Back when you put off the 5 hours of homework you had every night.

When light up sneakers were cool.

When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.

When gas was $0.95 a gallon & Caller ID was a new thing.

When we recorded stuff on VCRs & paid $3.50 for a movie.

When we called the radio station to request songs to hear off our Walkmans.

When phone numbers were still 7 digits.

When Being a TOMBOY was "in".

When 2Pac and Biggie where alive.

When everyone loved Disney movies (and you fought over which princess you were)

When the Chicago Bulls were the best team ever.

Way back.

when it was all about N64.

Before we realized all this would eventually disappear

Who would have thought you'd miss the 90's so much!!!!!

I just thought some of these were hysterical. I remember so many of them. Like getting up to watch Recess, Pepper Ann, and Doug on One Saturday Morning. I miss TGIF so much. I haven't Boy Meets World in ages. What happened to all those old shows?

Anyway, anyone else who is older or younger probably wouldn't remember a lot of these, but for my roommate and my cousin, I hope you enjoyed them.

Well, that's enough for now. Have a Merry Christmas!!

One More Week!!!!

2008-12-11T13:09:00.002-06:00

I only have one more week of my first semester of college, and then I'm done. I'm so excited. I had my fit and well final today and I was done in ten minutes. It was really easy. So I'm done with that class. Yea! Next week I have my government final on Tuesday and then my English and algebra finals on Thursday. Then I'm leaving on Thursday.

Last night was the Shane & Shane concert with Bethany Dillon and Phil Wickham. It was a really good concert. Bethany Dillon is actually married to one of the "Shane's." She's married to Shane Bernard, and the funny thing is she's eighteen and he's thirty-two. I remembered reading about that somewhere, but it was kind of funny seeing them on stage together because to be honest, he is kind of old. Like my roommate said, though, in a few years it won't be as weird.

I can tell it's that time in the year where I'm ready for new classes, and I'm ready for a break. I can tell that I'm lagging, I'm not really motivated to do anything, and I'm just tired of going to school. I think after the break, though, I'll be ready for new classes and new teachers. Keep praying about me being an RA. I would really love to be able to do that.

Well, I'm going to go to the Wellness Center to work-out. I'm trying to start being more motivated about that, but we all know how that goes. God Bless.

Thanksgiving at Christmas

2008-12-09T22:39:00.002-06:00

I was thinking today about all the things I have to be thankful for. A family who loves me, friends who I can have fun with, and an awesome Lord and Savior who loves me no matter what. But more than that I thought about the little things I am thankful for. Food to eat (and sometimes of which I eat too much when other people around the world have none), clothes to wear, a soft, warm bed to sleep in, shelter from snow and cold and wind, money in my checking account; however little it may seem, my three cousins in Tulsa, two who are little and one who is my age, my aunt and uncle in Tulsa, and I'm also very thankful for my health.

Everyone is so thankful and grateful around November and Thanksgiving, but when Christmas gets here, it's "gimme, gimme, gimme." How one month can change things. And isn't it kind of paradoxical that we celebrate how thankful we are for how much we have on Thanksgiving, but the following day, "Black Friday," we wake up at a ridiculous hour in the morning to stand in line for more stuff. I thought we were all just so thankful and that we couldn't ask for one more thing in the world. Tell that to the guy who was trampled at the Wal-Mart in Queens, New York.

I love Christmas, don't get me wrong, but I think we overlook the Jesus part of it which is really all of it. I'm very thankful that two thousand years ago a young, innocent girl had the humility and the faith to bring Jesus Christ into the world. She told the Lord that whatever he wanted she would do. Joseph had the courage and the faith to trust in the Lord even when it would've been okay in that day to shun Mary since she was supposed to be pure until they were married, although he didn't know what was happening yet. Just the same, the two of them weren't very old and they didn't have much experience with life. But they had an awesome amount of faith and courage. I'm thankful for them and their example.

So yeah, Santa and Frosty and Rudolph and presents are great, but don't overlook why we celebrate Christmas in the first place. And count your blessings, even though Thanksgiving is over.

Other than that, school is going well. I had a test today and then I have another test on Thursday which is actually a final that we're taking early. God keeps showing me how amazing he is in the little things I'm learning. I'm starting to realize that He is my best friend. I can tell him anything and go to him at any time of day or night and he doesn't care if I interrupt his slumber because he doesn't sleep. He's just a great God.

Well, I'm going to call it a night. I hope you have a very Thankful Christmas.

My Last Week of Classes!

2008-12-07T17:09:00.002-06:00

So this semester has absolutely flown by. I can't believe that my last week of classes is this week. It seems like I was just starting college yesterday. Time sure does fly by fast.

I have two tests this week, and then I have three finals during finals week. This week here at college is our Christmas Festivities Week. There is something going on everyday, and that's super exciting. Tonight I'm going to watch a concert held our chapel of the symphonic winds, the orchestra, and the high school and college chorals. I'm sure it will be great.

Keep praying for me about the whole waiting situation with guys, my major, and just life. I think the five week break will be a definite time of relaxation and reflection for me.

This morning I went to a church that I had been to about a month ago, and I enjoyed it again today. The pastor talked about making the word of God an everyday part of your life. I will admit that I'm reading my Bible more now than I was this time last year. I think I was just too busy last year (which is no excuse), but this is the first time in my life that I know I wouldn't survive without God's word. It's become an essential to my life.

One of my cousins posted on her blog that she was tired of all of the consumerism of Christmas. I agree with her. I wanted to add something that a recent speaker at my college said. He was talking about how it would cost around 10 billion dollars to install water systems that work in third world countries all over the world. I don't know if that is one system or multiple, but it doesn't matter. Last year, Americans spent $450 billion dollars on Christmas, and I was right there in the middle of it. But we spent all that money celebrating a man who told us to be self-less. Yes, I know that the wise men brought gifts to Jesus, but that wasn't until he was between the ages of one and three. No where in the Bible is giving gifts at Christmas time mentioned. We don't even really know when Christ was born.

What I'm saying is that we could do things a lot different during this Christmas season. Instead of buying over hundreds of dollars of presents for people who probably don't need them, give money to a family who can't even have Christmas dinner. Do something Christ would do to really celebrate his birth.

Well, anyway, I'll get off my soapbox. I need to get ready for the concert. I will post more later.
Merry Christmas.