Hello Again

I'm sorry I haven't been able to post in awhile. I've been busy, and my computer hasn't been working properly. Right now it's in the shop. I'm at my aunt and uncle's rental house in Tulsa watching my two little cousins while my aunt and uncle go to see a movie or two. And then tomorrow, my family and I head to Colorado for a whitewater rafting trip. I'm so excited. But let me fill you in on what I've been doing all summer.

After the school year was finished, I went home for one day and then headed back to Missouri to head out for my mission trip to South Asia. I was gone for two weeks, and let me tell you, God did a great work in my heart. I saw things I would have never seen here in the United States, and God revealed to me just how enormously blessed I am in every aspect of my life.

Our plane ride there and back was about fourteen hours both ways. When we landed it was about eight o'clock on a Tuesday night. By the time we got to the hotel it was close to eleven and we had to be up the next morning by four to leave for the train station by five to get there by six. I didn't get much sleep that night. Then we had an eight hour train ride to our final destination, and that was very interesting. I saw quite a bit on that train ride as I had a window seat. Some things I was glad I saw and other things, not so glad.

When we arrived at our destination, I'll call it B, the missionaries who met us at the train took us to our hotel, we rested for awhile, and then they took us a part of B called New Market. It was quite a shock and probably not the best place they should've taken us on our first full day in this country. But everything was fine, although I wasn't prepared for the begging we would encounter. It was so sad, and I hated to see the poverty of the people.

The next few days were filled with ministering to people at a church, visiting a Muslim mosque, traveling to a city a few hours away I'll call I, and then a few of the girls and guys on our team got sick including me. It was not fun, and I couldn't really eat anything for about three days. But our missionary got us some medicine, and that did the trick. When we returned to B, we went to a church on our first night back and experienced the way the people of this country, Christians in this country, worship. It was beautiful. They greeted us with, "Praise the Lord," or the equivalent in their language. They were so full of joy. It was hard coming back to the states and seeing the expressionless faces at church. The people of this country aren't as free to worship as we are so they take advantage of every opportunity they have. It was sweltering hot and many people were sitting on the floor, but out of the three hours we were there, no one complained.

A few nights later, we did some more discipleship with some young people from this church in the living room of the pastor. We rode up to the house and on one side of the street was a slum, and then on the other side were these normal houses (or at least normal by their standards). Outside on of the houses was this little girl wearing nothing more but a little piece of red cloth wrapped around the middle of her body. She was sitting on a pile of chat, and she was alone. I don't know who she belonged to, but the picture of that little girl will never leave my mind for as long as I live. It was so sad.

I saw many pictures like this one. On the second Monday of our trip we returned to New Market, and this little girl tried to grab my satchel off my person. It was over my shoulder, so she couldn't get it, but it was so sad. Who knows who these children work for if they really are just poor. We were pestered by little children and elderly ladies as beggars mostly.

After we visited our main tourist attraction, we were set to head back to our departure city, and this little boy and little girl were trying to get us to give them money. We gave them food, but no money. We were told not to give any of the children or any beggars money.

It was good to return home, but at first it was hard because I felt like I didn't deserve anything I had when the people we encountered had nothing. But I realized that God placed me here for a reason. I'm to be thankful for what I have, eternally thankful.

It took me about two and a half weeks to find a job when I returned home. I finally found one at a restaurant in my hometown washing dishes. Talk about eating humble pie. It's not the funnest job, but it pays money. I only have two more weeks of work left, so it's all right with me.

And about getting back to college......well, let's just say I've never been so excited in my life to get back to college. I miss the atmosphere, my friends, my normal routine; everything that has to do with college. I probably won't live at home next summer. I'm hoping to move off campus next semester to save money, but if I rent an apartment with someone, there will be no point in coming home. And it will be easier to have a summer job.

So anyway, this is kind of an overview of my summer. Not the most exciting thing, but I am super excited to go whitewater rafting and the mission trip was awesome. I will never forget it.

God has been showing me so much about life and drawing me to him in ways he never has. Our relationship is growing deeper, and as you can see by the new title of my blog, he's teaching me more about grace and the depth of his love. I love him so much, and that's all that matters to me right now.

Well, I'll probably start blogging again when I return to college. Until then.

God Bless.

Just a happy girl

I ran into a little man from Panama today. No, I didn't hit him with my car, but I met him after dinner as I was walking back to my dorm. He's visiting from Panama because he helps orchestrate trips that my college takes to Panama. He was probably about half a foot shorter than me, but the joy he had radiated from him. He was very nice, and he told me he was a pastor in Panama.

As we were talking, which ended up being for thirty minutes, he told me that I was very pretty, but that I also seemed very happy with myself. I think that's the nicest compliment I've been paid in a long time. It was so nice. As I walked away from this enlightening conversation, I thanked God for it. He told me I seemed happy, and I am happy. I'm happy with the direction my life is headed. I'm happy with me. Yeah, I may not be a size 6 and some days I don't do as well as could in college with classes and all that, but I'm happy. I have so much to be happy for.

But more than just happiness, I know that God has filled my life with joy. If joy wasn't in my heart, I wouldn't be happy. I love taking a situation that could be just downright awful and making it better. Whether that includes a little sarcasm or just knowing that the situation could always be worse; I know that God has put this joy in my heart. I love to laugh. I absolutely love to laugh. A belly laugh that ends up hurting so badly you can't breathe is one of my favorite things.

I realized after this little Panamanian man told me I was happy that despite how often I complain about my appearance or my size that things could be worse. I can get around, I can move, I'm pretty healthy. I'm pretty happy with what life has thrown me. I'm excited that God has allowed me to go on this trip halfway across the world. He's given me a passion for his Word that I get to take to others; a passion for the gift that God has given the world.

Yes, I am happy. God is good. Life is wonderful. I am blessed beyond reason. ....And I only have four more days of school. Yay. Well, I must study for five finals. And I don't know if I will post again before I leave, but you better believe I'll have lots to post when I get back. Pictures galore.

A Simple Girl

I like the way cedar wood smells. I don't know what it is about that smell, but I really do like it. Someday I want a big desk in an apartment where I can have my laptop and books and folders all spread out. I want an Alaskan Husky someday. And I want to teach. I want to teach students how to love English and how to fall in love with words. I am simple. This is who God created me to be and that's okay.

A few circumstances happened this week that caused me to realize just how sheltered I still am. Even though I don't live with my parents anymore and even though I'm not under their control all the time, I still have the same mindset I did when I lived at home. I'm still naive about so many things. I'm inexperienced with so many areas of life. And I'm just simple. It doesn't take much to make me happy. God has made me a complex human being in the physical sense of the word because anyone who can watch TV and hold a conversation on the phone while being on the Internet is a little complex (yes I can do all these things at the same time). But when it comes down to it, I don't require much. Simple movies about two people falling in love work fine. A walk in the park is a fine activity for me. One or two people is all the company I need. Any more and I need to leave.

The world would tell me that I should broaden my horizons. The world would try to persuade me to become more experienced and know more about the elements of life. But what is wrong with being simple, innocent? What is wrong with having dreams that may not entail the biggest and the grandest of goals? God creates us to be who he wants us to be. I have no problem being simple. I would rather be inexperienced than hurt so many times by the world that waking up everyday is difficult.

I like a hand-written letter. I like the long sigh that comes after a heart-felt belly laugh, especially when two people have that long sigh at the same time. We, as humans, may be complex creatures with complex systems raging inside of us, but God gave us the capacity to value the simplicity of life. I love a good play, especially when the people in it are people you know. They simply become someone totally different and they are no longer Zach or Holly. They become a new individual who doesn't know who Zach or Holly is.

When people ask me what I love to do, I usually say I love to write. Most people get this look on their faces that says, "Really?" And yes, although it may be unorthodox and maybe a little boring, that is what makes me so unbelievably happy. That and reading. :)

So yes, I may be a simple girl with simple wishes and simple dreams, but maybe in all actuality they really aren't simple at all. After all, they are from God.

Winding Down.....Maybe

So, we have around two and a half weeks of classes left plus a week of finals. I'm glad this semester is finally winding down. It's been busy, but not as busy as last semester. It doesn't seem possible that this time next month, I will be half way across the world in Asia. I can't believe it. And I will have enough hours underneath my belt to call myself a junior in college. That means that I will be half way done with college. Ahhhh!!!!! That doesn't seem possible.

But it's been a good first half. I've learned lots of things. Being on the newspaper staff has taught me a lot as well. I was also told today by one of my guy friends that I have a glow about me that wasn't there last semester. It was nice to hear that. I think I'm not as up tight and serious as I have been, um, let's see, my whole life. I've always been this uptight "Christian" girl who has had this ideal that you can't have fun and still be a Christian. News flash: you can. You can have lots of fun.

Anyway, I've been offered a position at our school's writing center. It is a place for students to come and get help with papers and English stuff. Stuff that I like. It would be so much less stress than the newspaper would be. I would be done by four every afternoon, I wouldn't have deadlines or interviews, and it would be just less stress in general. The only thing that would stop that from happening is if they couldn't get another campus employment spot for me because I don't qualify for work study. I just know this would help with English learning in general and just being more aware of English rules. I would love it. (I sound like a nerd. :) )

I've been learning more about where I stand with God. I think I've been rushing this maturing process. Not that I'm rebelling against God or anything, but I think I've been trying to learn things and be someone I'm not. I have an ideal in my head of what my "Christian" walk with the Lord should look like, but that's just it. It's an ideal. It's a perfect picture. The realistic picture of walking with Christ through life is a relationship, not an ideal version of something. It's messy and gross and sometimes, you just have to learn things for yourself despite what you've been told all your life. I'm finally learning what the phrase "making your faith your own" really means. In a way, it means finding God on your own terms and getting to know him in a relationship. Not in the way your Baptist Sunday school teacher said was the right way 15 years ago, but the way the Bible says to. I'm not saying the Sunday school teacher was wrong, but the faith I have in God has to be real for me for it to work. I don't know if I'm making any sense here.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the notion of a quiet time. I don't like that notion. How logical of a scenario is this? Let's say I were to get married. The only thing is that I only talked to my husband for an hour out of the day. Just one hour. Then, for the rest of the day, I didn't even acknowledge his presence. That's not a relationship. That's just weird. I don't know what that is. It's certainly not logical. What's the point of being married to someone if you're not going to talk to them? I think God probably feels the same with us. Why are we even in a relationship with him if we don't communicate with him ALL THE TIME? And it's not like we need an appointment or a reservation to talk to God. He's always free. This has kind of bitten me in the butt a little bit lately. I've been so focused on just having that one time of the day when I talk to him that I haven't talked to him at all. And that is not okay. I think it just took a little bit of stepping back and getting back to the basics of what my relationship with God is, right now. Not what I want it to be or what it used to be. But what it is and where God, not myself, wants to take it.

So, yeah, just some things I've been thinking about lately.

The semester is winding down, but right when it will be over, it will pick back up again. Please pray for our team as we prepare for our mission trip. Thank you.

Until next time.

A Lonely Day

I think about once a month I just have a very sad, depressing day. Today is that day for me. This mood swing probably has to do with something else, but I just can't shake it when it comes. Tomorrow I'll probably be fine. I'm just not happy today, and yes, as the title of this post says, I'm a little lonely.

God keeps bringing opportunities into my life to be alone. He wants me to talk to him more. He wants me to sit and share my feelings with him, but some days, like today, I need physical company. I don't know what to do with loneliness on days like today. God is not a god of confusion. God is good. I believe these two statements with all my heart, but when I'm in a mood like I'm in today, confusion is the only thing going on in my head.

I wish I could take time away from school and get away with God for an extended period of time. I wish I had more time to devote to reading the Bible and praying. I know God loves me and has awesome things in store for me, but when my best friend and her best friend have boyfriends and I'm left out of their little fun and games, it's hard to get my mind off me.

Life is not about me. Life is not about my feelings, and life is not about whether I feel lonely or not. God loves me. But some days, my brain just doesn't register that. It's like something in my brain blocks that fact from traveling to my heart. Other days it travels just fine. I want to quit having these days when I feel so low that nothing is going to help. On days like this, I want my mom. I want to hang out with all my friends and have a movie party and just be together. But I know what I need most. I need God. I need a great big dose of God.

Tomorrow will probably be so much better. I don't know why today isn't. Until next time.

So I've added a little something to my blog, and I just wanted a post to try out how this looks. It was really fun to do, and I just like the look of it.

The weather here is beautiful, and I think I've finally made up my mind about what I'm going to do for my major. I think I'm going with journalism and English. That's where I feel my heart tugged more, and writing is what I love to do.

Easter was good. I didn't go home because spring break had been just five days before. I stayed here and hung out at my college pastor's house all weekend long. I was sitting in church on Sunday, and although the message wasn't the traditional Easter message, I think it touched me more than any Easter message ever has. I keep thinking about how God chose to send his son to the earth to pay for our sins before sin ever entered the earth. God loved us before we ever had a chance to live. I've been whining about not having a guy, but I have God. His love is far and above any love this world can offer. Now don't get me wrong, I long to find that love on the earth someday, but it won't consume me.

There is a song by Tenth Avenue North, a Christian band, called "Love is here." The chorus reads as follows: "Love is here, love is now. Love is pouring from his hands, from his brow. Love is near, it satisfies. Streams of mercy flowing from his side. Love is here."

We sang that song at church on Sunday, and it just kind of hit me. I've been waiting for love to show up, but it's been here all along. I just have to embrace God in all his splendor. God is so unfathomably good.

So next time you walk outside and see the flowers that are in bloom and the trees leafing out, remember that God loved you before he even created them. What a way to think of spring.

The Time Traveler's Wife

I watched a movie tonight called The Time Traveler's Wife. If you went to the movies at all last fall or have rented any movies that came out last fall, you might have seen the preview for this movie. I did. I saw it preview many times. Every time I saw the preview, I wrote the movie off as probably being lame and unrealistic. But after watching it tonight, I must disagree with myself. The movie is exceptional. No, it's not the most moral and ideal movie, and granted it is very depressing and I did cry, but when it was over I was so thankful God doesn't create people who time travel.

The movie may not teach some great upstanding, noteworthy lesson, but I think it helps the viewers cherish the people in our lives even more, which may be even more valuable than a noteworthy lesson. Lessons are forgetten, but after experiencing that movie, I don't think I could ever forget to appreciate another person who is close to me.

If you've read my blog for any number of days, you know that falling in love in the future is something for which I dearly hope. I want to fall in love, and I want to experience that love to the fullest measure I can. But if I had to experience the kind of love that Clare, the wife in the movei, experiences, I don't know what I would do. At the end, relief washed over me that I will never have to experience that. True, I won't know when my husband is going to die or that I will give birth to a child as Clare found in the movie, but I think the only person who should be able to know those things is God. And I think God doesn't want to tell us all those details because they would be too overwhelming for us. Part of me does want to know those things, but they are better left in God's hands.

Our last reading assignment in American Literature was to read a set of poems written by William Carlos Williams. I had never heard of Williams before this assignment, and as I began reading the poems I wondered if the man was mentally okay when he wrote them. But then I came to his last poem. The name of it was "The Ivy Crown." This is the poem.

Please read it. It's beautiful. I think I've read it nine times. I don't know what prompted Williams to write it, but that is the kind of love I want. The poem mentions a line that says, "I love you or I do not live at all." I want to find that person who I won't be able to live without; that getting out of bed everyday won't be worth it unless that person is alive. I must clarify, of course, that God makes every day worth while, and I know that it doesn't matter if I never meet than man because God will always be enough. But that part of me still exists that wants that intimacy with another human being. God created that in me, and I would be lying to say that didn't exist.

At the very end of the poem, it says that love is past all accident. That is so true. Thank goodness God orchestrates our love lives, our careers, everything about us. I'm just so blessed knowing God already has someone out there for me. I don't have to worry about how long it will be until I find him or how long I will spend with him. I have a great faith that all in God's timing I will be blessed beyond my wildest dreams.


This poem shows me that even though hard times come, we work through them and we will our way through the briars. God brings people into our lives, and we should appreciate them, love them and be as intentional as we can with them. We never know when they could be taken from us. I want this poem read at my wedding. I may change my thoughts by then, but right now, I'm thankful for the lesson it teaches me.

Please read the poem, and please watch the movie. I never thought I would feel so strongly about a movie or a poem, but God can use anything he wants, can't he?

Well, until we next meet.