Saturday, June 30, 2007

It's a Long Story

I'm going to start from the beginning of a very long story.

Ever since I was a little girl, I've received a message that boys are bad news. I received this message from uncles, grandpa's, but most importantly from my dad. Well, because of this message, I didn't treat guys the way a Christian girl should've treated them. I was rude and bitter toward them. Especially when they acted gross or perverted. At the beginning of last year, my junior year of high school, I was especially rude to them. I'm on the drum line at my high school, and I'm one of two girls on the line. Anyway, my dad and best friend were noticing my behavior towards guys. My best friend had to give me "nice" lessons. The only thing was, I didn't think laughing at the guys on the drum line when they were perverted was good. I realized that I don't have to agree with it or endorse it, but I don't want to make enemies by being snooty either. So, I started being nice, and all those guys on the drum line started noticing.

Now let me back up to December of 2005. My dad came home one night from work while I was on Christmas Break and told me of this son of one of his colleagues. He said this guy was a Christian, smart, tall, (which is good because I'm tall), good-looking, and he was looking for a Christian girl just to be friends with. Of course, I was interested. I was really interested. So, my dad gave a picture of me to this guy's mom, and she gave a picture of her son to my dad. (Kind of corny, right?) Anyway, I saw the picture of him. He was okay. He wasn't drop-dead handsome or anything like that, but he was okay. My dad asked me if it was okay if he had my phone number. I said yes. From that night on, I waited for about four months every night for him to call me. I was a little bit obsessed. Just a tad. Then, in April of my sophomore year, I realized what I had been doing and how my relationship with God had been suffering. I was putting more effort into this guy, we'll call him B, who I didn't even know, than I was with God who knew me better than I know myself.

So, I forgot about him. Then, in December of 2006, when I got over my meanness towards guys, I go to a nearby college to take the ACT. On the way there, I wondered if he would be there, but just kind of dismissed the thought. Well, lo and behold, when I walked in, there he was. I knew it was him before I saw his last name on his letterman jacket, but then that reassured me it was him. I didn't say anything to him. I didn't even know him. He didn't recognize me though because the picture he had seen of me was when I was year and a half younger. I took the test, and when I got home, I told my dad that I saw him. He asked me if I talked to him, and I told him no. On Monday, when he went to work, he told B's mom that I saw B at the ACT. Well, being a mom, she wanted to do something about that. She told B that I was there, and at the time, I didn't really care. So, the coming Saturday was Dec. 16, 2006. I was working at the Christian bookstore in my town, and I get a call. The last name on the CID was B's last name. I almost had a heart attack. I answered it, and B's mom asked about a kind of music that we had or something. Then, about 20 minutes later, they pulled up outside, and he gets out with his mom. He comes in and I'm busy helping someone wrap a gift. When I got a free moment, he came over and introduced himself to me. We ended up talking for about an hour. Before he left he handed me his cell phone and told me to put my number in his phone. He also invited me to his basketball game the following week. (Side note: I checked my journal and discovered that it was Dec. 14, 2005, when I first heard about B. I waited 367 days to meet him. Talk about waiting huh?) Then he left. The moment he left I told myself that his personality reminded me of this annoying guy that I had been in band with. But I ignored it thinking that this was different. So the following Tuesday, my mom and I went to his basketball game. He barely said a word to me after the game. I thought that the next day he would text me, but he didn't. Well, on the way to church, I texted him (against my better judgement) telling him that he had played a good game the night before. After church he texted back, and we ended up texting that night for almost 2 hours. At the end he told me he would talk to me tomorrow. He never did.

So I waited a week. He still hadn't texted me back. So I texted him again. We talked for about 20 minutes then he said he had to go. He said he would talk to me later, though. Well, he never did. December 29, 2006, was the following Thursday or Friday, I can't remember. I went to my cousin's house for a Christmas party. While I was there, she had to leave and go get some girls. I was there for about 1 hour by myself. While I was there, I was basically staring at my phone the entire time. I wanted B to text me so bad. He never did. Finally, I texted my best friend and told her what was going on and how miserable I felt. She texted me back telling me I was stronger than this, and that this shouldn't lick me. She asked me if I was near a radio, and I said no. She ended up calling me and held her phone up to her radio. She had it on Air 1 and the song was "Me and Jesus" by Stellar Kart. I started crying. It was so perfect. I knew right then that I didn't need a guy and this B person who I had only met twice, wasn't worth it. So, I deleted his number off my phone. Then, I spent the night with my best friend New Year's Eve. On New Year's Day, we decided that we were going to forget about guys for the year of 2007. We were going to focus on God and not let guys distract us. She and I are kind of opposites. I never had a boyfriend, and she's had more than I can count. Literally. Anyway, I held up my end of the deal, but by February, she had a boyfriend. But they are pretty cute together, and I love them.

Fast forward to April. One week before my prom, which I didn't go to because I didn't have a date because there was no one in my high school who I wanted to go with. B texts me one week before my prom. I don't know what kind of a message he was trying to send. So I put his number back in my phone. Then I went to Girls State in May. He texted me the first night asking me if I was out of school. I told him I was at Girls State so he didn't text me back until Saturday. On Saturday, we ended up texting for about 2 hours. When I got home, I told my dad about it. He told me that the reason B might not have been texting me first was because he needed affirmation from me that I liked him. My dad also said that I should suggest that B call me.

So, the next day after church, it was like two o'clock, I texted him. We ended up texting for 2 hours again. Then, I suggested that he call me, and I haven't heard from him since. He probably dropped the phone and ran. Later that week, Tuesday I think, I had gotten home from a bad day at work, and I asked my dad if B's mom had said anything to him. She hadn't except that she thought her son was a silly boy. I think I agree with that. So I was down and depressed and just started crying on the living room floor. Later, when my mom and I were alone, she told me that she didn't think it was right what I had done. I knew before I did it that it wasn't right. But I did it anyway because Daddy thought it was okay. (Note to all you Daddy's girls out there: Daddy does know best, but only part of the time. The only Daddy that knows best all the time, is our Heavenly Father. But I'll touch more on that later.) My dad had heard our conversation, and he came back and apologized. He told me something that I will never forget: "If he doesn't have the guts to chase you, then he's not worth it." I love that. A couple of weeks ago, I deleted his number off my phone for the second time and hopefully the last.

I realize now that I tricked myself into thinking this guy was the one. Well, my dad told me that B's mom called me her future daughter-in-law, something my dad never should have told me. Daddy was involved with it so I thought it was a good thing. That's not true.

I'm 17 years old, and I've never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, and never been on a date with a guy. I'm not ashamed of that though. I'm saving my first kiss for my wedding day at the altar. Waiting is not a cake walk. But it doesn't have to be a road of despair either. My singleness has allowed me to invest relationships with my girlfriends, family, but most importantly, my Awesome God. I made a commitment before I went into high school that I wasn't going to date. It wasn't hard until my junior year. This has been the first year that I've really wanted a boyfriend or just a good guy friend to hang with. My aunt told me something though that I thought was really cool. "Maybe God is saving your first guy best friend to be the man that you marry." If that's true, then I praise God. I have one more year left of not dating. But I don't look at it like that. I look at it as one more year of growing more madly in love with the creator of the universe.

I just recently finished a book entitled "Lavender and Old Lace." In that book, there is a quote that says, "To pursue a gentleman, however innocent one is-is unmaidenly." I knew that before all this, but I wish I would've read that before that Sunday afternoon. Oh well, like they say, hindsight is 20/20.

I don't know what college will bring. I dream of finding "the one" at college, but I want God's will. I know that my waiting is not over. But I'm not going to worry while I wait, I'm going to worship God.