Tuesday, February 23, 2010

A Change of Heart

This has gnawed at me for quite a while, and I might as well get it off my chest. I don't think I want to teach. I think I have tricked myself into thinking I want to teach, but I really don't think I do. This semester I'm in more English and education courses, and it gives me an insight into what I will be doing for quite some time after I graduate. Today I went to observe, and the teacher had papers for me to grade. Not that I don't like grading papers, but once you've graded one they kind of all start to look the same. And another thing I find myself doing is looking at the clock to check the time. I want to enjoy teaching, if that is what I stick with. But I just don't have the 100% peace I would like to know this is what I want to do.

Many of you know I write for the school paper. Well, over the past week an incident happen with one of the stories that I wrote, and the paper was pulled. It wasn't my fault, but I just didn't collect enough sources for one of the articles and the information in the article wasn't 100% accurate. On Sunday I was in the newspaper office from one in the afternoon until five, and then I went back from six thirty to seven thirty. Last night I was in the newspaper office from six to eleven.

To try and lift my spirits, the advisor of the paper told me he sent the article that was pulled to his brother who works with journalism students at Baylor University. My adviser's brother said that my article was better than some of the stuff written by their students. I was floored. I had no idea. But then I thought about it. If I had all the time in the world to dig up stories and write about stuff that interests me, and that was my full time job, I would love it. I would get to write all the time.

No matter how hard I trick myself into thinking I don't want to write I know that much more that I do. Writing is just this part of me that I know God has given to me for a reason. Yes, I think it would be fun to teach, but I think it would be even more fun to write. After a while I think I would get bored in the classroom, and I every day would begin to look the same.

I sat down with the advisor of student teaching last week to set up my semester for student teaching. He asked me why I wanted to teach, and I told him that I love English. I do love English, but I don't think I love it as much as I do writing. There's a difference. You may not think there is, but there is. Right now I'm in a class called history of the English language. I really don't care for it too much. I could care less about it really. I don't care how the English language came about. I want to use the English language.

I just feel like sitting in a classroom is too tame for me. So all that said that I think I might change my major to Journalism with a minor in Political Science. Politics really intrigue me lately, and I think it would be so much fun to actually understand more than what I do now about politics and then be able to write about it.

I just really need prayer right now. If I do decide to change my major, I'd probably end up dropping a class this semester. I don't know which one, but I'm just so overwhelmed with all the reading I have to do. I never thought I would not want to read, but when you have to read all that I'm reading it just stinks a lot. Pray that God will impart wisdom to me about what I'm supposed to do. This could make or break my future, but the cool part about it is I still have four semesters left, and I can complete all that I would need to in those four semesters. But I don't know, it's in God's hands.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Life in a Snow Globe

It has snowed here all day. It's not heavy snow, though. The snow falls as if it is in a snow globe. I wish I was in a snow globe these days. My life feels like it's one big snow ball and the junk in it just keeps getting bigger and bigger. All the stuff that I've referred to in previous posts has all culminated into one big snow ball and just kind of exploded in my face. But the explosion is not pretty white flakes of snow. No, the snow ball is filled with rocks, gravel and dirt. It hurts.

I was in a cardio step class at four. We were working out, and my muscles hurt so bad I could hardly move. But I knew I needed to keep going. I had to keep going. I compared that to what I'm going through now. I have a choice to be very mean to someone or forgive them. Just like with cardio step class: I have a choice to give in to the pain or work through it. If I give in to the pain and quit, I fail. Just like if I give in to the pain with this person. If I express my anger and come unleashed, I fail. But if I work through the pain, I finish the cardio step class and I feel so much better about myself when I'm done. Kind of like with this situation. If I pray and push and forgive, I am victorious.

It won't be easy. Cardio step is not easy, and this won't be either. It would be so much easier to sit on my bed and watch TV instead of going to cardio step. It would be so much easier to hold a grudge and stay mad instead of forgiving. But I know what I have to do.

I have a choice to make between dwelling on the hurt or praising God for his protection. I could have been majorly hurt in this situation, but God held my heart in his hands and kept me close. It doesn't mean the hurt is not there, but it is just less than what it could've been. God shows me how much he loves me through this situation. I just look at what all he controlled. I didn't understand it then, but you better believe I do now. I just can't believe it really happened. My mind plays tricks on me trying to think it was someone else. But I know it wasn't.

I wish I could live my life in a snow globe sometimes. My feelings would never get hurt. I wouldn't have to deal with people who lie. I would always be happy. But that is not what life truly is about. Life is about dealing with all the junk, but dealing with it with God. I know God is in control, and he allowed this to happen for a reason. I just don't know why he allowed it to happen to me.

Please pray for me. Pray that I will find the strength to forgive and not be bitter. Pray that God will have his way with me and that I will be victorious.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Time Goes By

The situation to which I alluded in my last post still unfolds. I didn't think it would be this hard, but it is. Last night, I came back to the room and had a good cry. I cried and cried. Then, I stopped for awhile and then cried some more. Sometimes, you just need a good cry.

It's very cold here. It has snowed quite a bit in the last week, and right now, it's probably around 24 degrees outside, but colder with the wind chill. Today, I was walking to my second class, and it was so cold the bones in my face hurt. I've never experienced cold like the way I did today.

I had my third day of field experience today, and the teacher introduced me to the class as Miss H. (She said my whole last name, but this is a blog, so you know.) It was just so weird to hear them call me that. I wasn't ready for it, and it's odd to have to train your ears for it. It made me feel so old. One of the students asked if I was going to be a teacher, and I said yes. He asked if I was going to teach at their school, and I said no. I told him I was going to teach high school. He asked if I would stay in this town, and I told him I didn't know yet. It was cute. I'm excited to get to know these two classes. I've already learned so much, and it's only been three days.

My car has a leak in the compartment that holds the power steering fluid. When I turn my wheel, it makes an awful grinding noise. I thought it was a bearing at first, but I took it to the guy who's looked at my vehicles since last year, and he said it was power steering. I'm happy because power steering is much easier and cheaper to fix than a bearing.

I went to a Super Bowl party on Sunday night. It was sponsored by the church's college ministry, but we didn't have it at the college ministers' house. It was held at a doctor's house, and it was the most beautiful house. I loved it. There was so much food, and they even sent us home with chili, desserts, and other stuff. After I left, I felt so included and loved. I've really gotten to know the college ministers, and I've been at their house a lot lately. I love them so much. Their little girl even knows my name. It's really nice to be told you're loved outside of your family.

I have my second mission trip meeting tonight. I'm excited for all that we're going to do to prepare for the trip. Where we're going is big, so it requires lots of preparation, but I know it will be worth it.

I called my mom earlier today after I got out of my first class 30 minutes early. She talked to me about what's been going on in my life. It was so good to talk to her. She reminded me that nothing happens that God doesn't already know. She told me I'm in the palm of his hand. I knew all of that before I called my mom, but it just helps to hear it from someone else. It's nice to hear that someone understands what I'm going through. Ultimately, God knows what I'm going through. I do feel so alone sometimes, but I know that God also knows what that is like.

Well, I don't know what else to add. I'm ready for spring. I would love to wear sandals, but I'm afraid if I did that right now, all my toes would be frostbitten. But it's okay. Spring will come soon enough.

That's all for now.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Learning a Lesson

God recently taught me a very profound lesson. Only in the past couple of weeks have I really understood the gravity of that lesson.

I won't go into details of what's been going on in my life, but to put it frankly when the big turning point took place, I wasn't too thrilled about it. It's been hard to move past what happened, but last night as I was having a hard time going to sleep, I understood what I had to do. I have to let go of this part of my life. It happened for a reason, and I learned so much from it. The college minister of my church put it this way the other night at small group.

He said that when we come to God to give him stuff that we don't want anymore, and when we come palms up, there's always that chance that we might snatch back what we "want" to give him. But when we come to him hands down and let go of all that we don't need anymore, gravity or God, take your pick, takes it from us and there's no getting it back. I told God last night that I was letting go of this situation. I was disappointed, granted, but I know that it was God's will.

I was talking with my best friend tonight, and she mentioned how she works at this after school program with kids and how a few of the kids are so neglected and mistreated in their home lives. You're probably wondering what this has to do with me. Well, I've thought a lot recently about love and the future and one day having a family. But what my friend said tonight made me realize that not only do I know squat about having kids or raising kids, but that I don't even know anything about being in a dating relationship, let alone being married.

God let all this happened to me so that I would realize that he does want me to live each day to the fullest and take life slow. He wants me to enjoy the times I have to be single and hang out with friends and do "single" stuff. And while I'm doing all this "single" stuff, he'll teach me in those times what it is I need to know for the future. Heck, I'm only 20 years old. I still have so much life to live. I'm just glad God used this past month to show me all of this without it breaking my heart.

I feel like I've been smacked in the head, and all I can say is, "Well, duh." This totally makes sense now. God doesn't expect me to know what a 25 year old would know because, news flash, I'm not 25 yet. But when I am 25, I'll look back on this time and praise God for my days of being single. And while I get to experience all these incredible days, God will romance me and love me and keep reminding me over and over how unfailing and wonderful his love truly is.

I'm just so happy I learned this. It's so refreshing. Looking back about a month ago, I wouldn't have wanted to hear what I'm writing now. But I know I needed to learn it. It taught me to slow down and enjoy every single day God gives me.

So, live your life, whether single or married or whatever. But live it with intensity and purpose because God gives each day to you for a purpose.