Sunday, March 28, 2010

Back From Break

I'm back from spring break. It was good, but it's always nice to get back to the normal groove of things. Two months from today, I'll be in Asia. That doesn't seem possible. It also doesn't seem possible that I'll be halfway done with school in two months. I'm still praying about what it is I'm supposed to do with my life. I sat in on my high school English teacher's classroom all day last Thursday. It was a good day, and I was able to help my teacher a lot, but it almost bored me. I don't know if it was because I just graded papers and wasn't actually teaching or what. I just don't know.

It all comes down to this final bottom line every single time I mull this over in my head: I love to write. If God would plop down a book career in my lap tomorrow, I would major in writing tomorrow. But I just don't foresee that happening. I know I would enjoy working at a newspaper, magazine or publishing company. I could do so much majoring in English and in Journalism. I would have two degrees, and the possibilities would be endless. But I also don't want to jump ahead of what God has in store for me.

I found out over break that I didn't make the cut for the RA position for the second year in a row. I was really disappointed, and now it makes things kind of complicated as far as living arrangements go for the fall. I planned on being a RA and having a room to myself, but now I don't know what I'm going to do. I know that God has a plan. I can say that, but it's so hard to believe it sometimes. I feel like this semester God has brought things into my life, I've set my sights high on attaining them, and then in the most inopportune moments, my hopes are dashed. It's not the most fun experience, and to be honest, I'm a little sick of it. I know, like I said earlier, that God has a plan for me, but it seems like sometimes that plan takes forever to unwind. That's why I have to pray for patience......all the time.

Well, I've got a busy month ahead of me. Thank goodness, this Friday we don't have classes because of Good Friday. The next weekend, I'm going to Kansas City for a newspaper conference, the next weekend I may be going home (not sure yet), and then the weekend after that I have security training for my mission trip that will take up most of the weekend. And by that time, I will have a month of school left.

Be praying that I get more funding for my trip. I'm at around a little more than half, but I still need the whole thing to be able to go. I know God will provide, but just pray that he opens up doors in that area. Pray for my spirit as well. I've been just a little down lately. This break was fun, but I have a family member who is very sick, and it's just hard seeing someone that sick.

That was a fun post. Sorry it was kind of a downer.

Monday, March 15, 2010

A Lazy Day

Thank you to those who shared your encouraging comments on the previous post. They helped a lot.

Today is a very lazy day. I was going to go work out this morning and then going to go to a work-out class this afternoon. Well, it wasn't the most ideal time of the month (if you know what I mean), and so I called my mom and we talked for awhile. She told me I should just curl up in my bed and rest. I agreed wholeheartedly. The good thing (well, I don't know if this is good or not) about this not so ideal time of the month is that I never feel like eating. Sometimes that's not good, but it just kind of gives my body a rest because anything I do eat makes me feel miserable. So, I've just been having a very lazy day. I'm working on RA stuff, and then trying to find time to study for my three mid-terms I have this week. Woot woot. Not really. Anyway, and yes, my friend and I got to talk today, and we've scheduled some girl time this week. I'm excited. I think it will be good. I think I need to rule out blogging late at night because that is usually not a very good time of day for me as far as my thoughts go. Everything seems worse at the end of the day.

But anyway, thanks for all of you who commented on my previous post. Just keep praying for me. Until next time.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Growing up can sometimes,'ll see

I've realized over the couple of months, weeks and days that certain parts of growing up aren't as fun as others. For one, living on your own without a roommate just isn't that fun sometimes. I mean, I love having my own room and having all the extra space, but at the end of the day, it would be nice to be able to talk to someone. Yeah, I have friends I talk to, but when that certain friend who is usually always there for you gets a boyfriend, your problems suddenly pale in comparison. I called my friend the other night at 11:41 because I needed to talk to her about something. Well, she didn't answer her phone. I thought maybe she went to sleep because she goes to bed early.....usually. Turns out, she was with her 11:41 at night, alone, in a car. THEY WERE OUT UNTIL 3! She never stays up with me that late, ever. But yet she can stay up with him.

I just don't understand. For a long time, I've wanted a boyfriend. But if this is what would end up happening, I think I'll pass for awhile. My friends are so much more important than a boy. I have two more years of college left. To some, that's not much, but to me, that means I still have four more semesters to hang out with friends, enjoy life, and make more friends. I can't really do all that when I'm tied down by a boy. Yes, parts of me do want someone sometimes, but that's when I go to God or go see a friend or do something and remember that someday my time will come. That time is not now. I haven't seen this girl hardly at all because she's with him all the time. I just wish I could hang out with her more. I remember all the fun times we used to have, and we haven't had any of those in a long time.

The bright side about all this is that God has allowed me to branch out and make new friends and build new relationships. And I love doing that. But it just stinks because I miss what this girl and I used to be. We used to be so close. And now, I feel like I hardly know her. I don't want to lose this friendship. But I know it's going to take both of us working for it. It just stinks when she's not working as hard as I am.

On a more positive note, we had our mission trip retreat this weekend, and it was a lot of fun. We stayed the night at our leader's house, and it was really homey and cozy. We got to know our team really well, and I can now see why God brought all of us together. I can't wait to go to South Asia. It's going to be awesome. And it doesn't seem possible that it's two months away.

I keep thinking about the future and what God has planned for me. I watched a movie with--as ironic as this is--the roommate of the girl I've been talking about. She's on the mission team with me. It's such a nice little circle. Anyway, this movie is "Must Love Dogs." If you haven't seen it, it's quite cute. Anyway, the main character dog sits her brother's dog all the time. The dog is a lab, and it's beautiful. When I saw the image of this huge dog climbing in bed with this single, middle-age woman, that's what I wanted. Not to be single when I'm 40 by any means, but to just have a dog and be able to live independently for awhile. Not for forever, but for awhile.

God has laid it upon me so heavily that before I'm ever going to find anyone that I can love in a romantic sort of way that I'm going to have know who I am in him. I don't know that yet. Some days I accept myself: my size, my weight, my appearance, my personality. Other days, I spend the day comparing myself to everyone else. I don't want to do the latter for the rest of my life. I want to wake up and know without a shadow of the doubt that I am beautiful. Not because a man says I am, but because God says I am in his Word. God created me in his image, and he will love me and call me beautiful until the day I die and for eternity. I just have to come to terms with that. I have to learn to love myself because God loves me. Only then will I be able to love other people. This may not sound like the most sound doctrine, but when you wake up beating yourself up every morning because of how you look, it starts to make sense.

I had to confront someone the other night, and it was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. Confrontation tops the list of things that aren't fun about growing up. But I did it, and I think it helped me see things in a different light with a certain person. Everyone is human. Everyone sins and makes mistakes. Some of those mistakes hurt worse than others, but they happen. In the movie I watched tonight, John Cusack makes the comment that when your heart gets broken it just grows back bigger and allows you to love more. I hope that's true. Not that I've had my heart broken, but in a way it feels like it. I hope God will work in my heart and allow it to grow bigger on so many levels. Not in a physical way because that would be bad, but in a spiritual way. I want to learn to love better. I want to be able to accept people and accept life as God throws it my way.

So, yes, growing up can sometimes, well, it can stink. But it happens. We grow, we learn, we live, and hopefully, someday, we learn how to love with all our hearts. At least I hope we do.