Coffee with God

The other day I was sitting with just my little ole self, and I began wondering what it would be like to have a real-life conversation with God. Yes, I know that we can have conversations with him through prayer and He can speak to us through the Bible and through events that take place in our lives; but what I wonder is what it would be like to sit down in a cafe sitting across from God sipping a latte and listening to the Creator of the universe reveal to me the secrets of his heart.

What would He tell me about my worries and fears that somehow seem to curse me every day? What would He share with me about my most precious dreams and desires that never seem to leave the depths of my heart? What wisdom would he impart to me about the path my future will take and what I'm supposed to do with it?

I know it would be a conversation I would never forget.

Can you imagine that? Just sitting and being with God. Yet that is what he calls us to do even though He isn't physically with us. He may not be with me in the cafe, but I know He is with me in spirit. God calls me to have faith to sit with him in that cafe and still talk with him and still listen to the silence. He reveals many things in the silence; many things I do not ever hear because I am too busy filling my life with superfluous nothings.

This morning in my World Lit. class I had one of these experiences. I just started feeling anxious and my thoughts were going crazy, but I quietly asked God to come and sit with me amidst the chaos of my brain. I imagined him pulling up a chair and sitting beside me, putting his arm around me and whispering truth into my ear all while my professor was lecturing. God was there. He calmed my anxious nerves, and He sat with me for the remainder of the class.

That may not sound like the most orthodox situation, but I think God wants to draw me away from orthodoxy sometimes. He wants to take this box that I try to put him and myself in and chuck it. He gets rid of the box and wants me to experience him in a whole new way. Christianity was never meant to be a set of rules and regulations. It is about an intimate relationship with a savior who loves me beyond what my minuscule scrap of a mind can begin to comprehend.

God has been working on me for a long time now. I know He will never stop, but sometimes I feel the chisel and the fire more than other times. Now is one of those times, but He has used it for his glory. I've been asking him to put a desire in my heart to read his word. Sometimes it's hard to get into his word, but I also know that faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God. I'm not going to grow without the word of God.

The next time you think you are alone at a cafe, remember this post, and remember that you are never alone, no matter what you think. Have a conversation with God; yeah, people may look at you a little funny talking to the air, but I have a feeling that you'll be doing more listening than talking anyway so you don't have much to worry about. God loves those times when his children come to him and are silent.

So enjoy your coffee and enjoy listening to God.

Four weeks of classes, a week of finals, and then some much needed freedom.

School is slowly but surely starting to wind down, and we only have four more weeks left of classes. I am so happy. I don't think I have ever wanted a break so badly as I want Thanksgiving break. It will be so nice to go home for a week and just relax. I've missed my family so much, especially my mom, and I can't wait to go home and just hang out with them and help my mom cook.

For awhile now, I've been church hopping, just not sure I was going to the right church. This past Sunday I attended the church that I went to most of last year. I knew I was feeling called to go back, and I'm so glad I went. It is definitely where I'm supposed to be. The college minister and his wife also have a small group Bible study at their house on Sunday nights, so I went to that last night too. This Saturday they are having a Thanksgiving dinner for the college students at their house and I'm going to help the wife cook. I'm excited. I don't really know them very well, but I think this will help start a relationship that will last.

I've been seeing a counselor for about two weeks now, and things are improving; however, the improvements are very minuscule. If I am having a bad day or just not feeling good, I'm to the point where I can force myself to do something. A lot of times, I just have to force myself out of my shell. It's not easy, but I manage somehow.

For some time now, my relationship with God has been something of a mystery to me. I know God has been there for me and that he will never leave me. But I'm having to battle this whole idea that our relationship is not based on feelings. It is based on fact. He loves me more than I can or ever will comprehend. I don't deserve that love, and I may not feel loved, but that love is there just the same. God also keeps reminding me how big he is. I know I've talked about that before, but I think I need a reminder of that everyday. This semester my classes have just totally overwhelmed me. Not only has God taught me that I can't handle 18 hours of classes, but he has also taught me that he is bigger than all of it.

I'm still battling a few issues that I'm hoping I can work out by seeing this counselor. I don't want to have to keep battling them for the rest of my life. I know that God doesn't want that either.

I enrolled for classes for the spring semester the other day, and I'm very excited for my schedule. I'm taking history of the English language, New Testament History, Foundations of Education, American Literature 2, and 17th and 18th Century British Lit. I'm also taking my first class of field experience which is just observing teachers in the classroom for education majors. It comes to a grand total of 16 hours with which I am also very pleased. I don't think you could pay me to take 18 hours again. It's not fun. I had to drop my writing minor because I would have had to take 18 hours every semester until I graduate, and I simply told my advisor no. I wasn't going to put myself through all that. And with all the classes I'm taking for the English major I will have taken most of what I would have taken with the writing minor. I'm not really worried about it.

My work on our school newspaper is really going well. I'm enjoying it more than what I thought I would. I've also learned how to manage my time with it and get my work done so I'm not also stressed with school work. I've learned that I have a very sarcastic and sometimes even biting voice when it comes to certain topics. But that's why I'm in charge of the opinion page. It's very fun. I was telling my roommate tonight that tonight in the newspaper office was the first time I pictured myself working for a newspaper after college. I love being able to play with the layout and researching the different topics that I write about. It is quite invigorating.

I'm sitting here in my dorm room listening to Josh Groban's Christmas CD Noel. It's beautiful. What's ironic is that it is around 65 degrees outside. I wish the weather would understand that it is November and change to match the month. I mean I love the warm weather, but I'm ready for the festive cold weather that November is supposed to have.

Oh well, hopefully it will get here sooner than later. I hope everyone is staying well and if you're not, then I hope you get well soon. May God bless you as we begin this holiday season.

Until next time,
Jana

Another Day

So today has been an okay day so far. Since I've last posted, I've turned 20 years old. I don't really feel different, but I'm glad that I can now say that I am 20. That does make me feel older. When I went home two weekends ago, I saw my family and visited my aunt and my two little cousins. It was so good to see them since I probably won't see them again until Thanksgiving.

I get to see my family next week when my mom and dad are coming up to see me get inducted into the National Honor Society. I'm excited to see them since I was going home that weekend, but now I'm not. That should be fun.

Classes aren't going too bad. Astronomy is doing better. Only one more test in that class. I think the reason why I'm not so stessed about my classes is just that I have no motivation to do anything for my classes, like studying or reading, and I also think my body has just kind of become numb to stress. I know that's probably not good, but now when my plate becomes a little overloaded, I just take it with a grain of salt and go on. It's getting better.

I'm going to see a counselor this week, and I'm so glad that I am. My mom and I have been talking recently, and we've discovered part of the reason for my good days and my bad days and what may be a good solution for my slight depression, if that's what I want to call it.

Getting in my Bible is a challenge. Some days I just have no desire to read God's word. I know that's horrible, but that's just now it is. But I honestly think that God would rather me read his word out of desire than out of obligation. Not to say that I shouldn't read it at all, but that I should want to read it when I do.

I've just kind of felt blah lately. I know that God is trying to teach me things about myself and about him, but he is just teaching me so many things and I couldn't try to record them all here.

I really don't know what else is happening in my life. Not too much big news. Yeah, so that's about it.

Hope your day was more exciting than mine.
God Bless.

The Makings of a Man

Before I start the main topic of this post, I must say that this week went a little better for me than last week did. It might have been because both of my parents came to visit me, and I was very busy with homecoming stuff that I didn't have much time to think about me. Today at church was much better as well. I tried a new church today where the majority of the people who attend are college students. Almost every face I saw was a familiar one, and it really helped my overall attitude a lot.

What I want to talk about in this post was inspired by what I saw at church today. The church that I attended this morning had a time for people to come to the front of the church and just share with the church what struggles were hindering their walks with Christ. It was kind of testimonial, but also just being real and lifting one another before the Lord. There was prayer for almost everyone who stepped up and shared what was on their heart. It reminded me that I'm not the only person who struggles and goes through bumpy times. Everyone has those times in their life. No one is perfect.

What really shocked me though was how many young men walked before the church and shared these struggles that were hurting so much in their lives. As a young woman of God, I want a strong, Christian man for a husband someday. I need a man who is going to be able to lead our family in the ways of God and who will be the spiritual head of our home. As I watched all these young men file to the front of the church and then back to their seats, I wondered where the bold men of God are. And then I realized the answer: they are there, but they just haven't had an example set before them to follow. Somewhere along the way the ideal strong, Christian husband and father disappeared from the picture. We see less men being leaders and strong dads and husbands because they were never shown what that really looks like.

It almost sounds like it is a never-ending spiral downward with no end. But it's not. One way that young men can be fashioned and shaped into the men of God who they are supposed to be is if we as young women of God will pray for them. Not praying so that God will bring us our husbands faster, but that when he does bring them our way that they will be ready, prepared and willing to lead as God would have them lead. Our men need our prayers. Whether it be our friends, brothers, dads, cousins; whoever they are, they need us to lift them before the Lord.

I know that my dad has set the most awesome example for my brother of how to be a godly husband and father. But what about those young men who know nothing of that earthly example? What are they supposed to do? Somehow, someway, they either will have to look to an earthly mentor or counselor or solely rely on God. God is the best example of a husband and a father that the world has ever known. He loves his bride relentlessly, never loving her any less for her sin or forgetfulness of him. He is a father who craves the intimacy of his children, never loving them any less for their disobedience and stubbornness.

The makings of a man are found in God. You may not be a guy reading this, and if you're not, then pray for each and every man in your life. Pray that somehow God will get a hold of them and they will be the strong, warrior poet men of God that God has called them to be. And if you are a guy reading this whether you've had an earthly example of a godly husband and father or not; look to God as your ultimate example. As women, we need security knowing that the men we marry will be equipped as devoted followers of Christ to lead our families.

I know I need to pray more for the men in my life. I especially need to pray more for the man God has for me instead of complaining that he is not a part of my life yet. I know that God has all of that planned out, and yes, as much as I don't know how to do this sometimes, I have to give God my whole-hearted trust.

This cycle of lazy, slacking husbands and fathers that our generation is seeing more and more of today has to stop somewhere. I believe that if women of prayer will be on their on knees for their men, then it will begin somewhere in the midst of that prayer. It is time to break the silence.

Have a good week,
Jana

Waiting for the sun

The past few posts on this blog haven't been very uplifting or encouraging. So don't count on this one to be either.

Earlier this year in June, God brought out some struggles in my life that I knew I had been facing for awhile. They were brought out due to my job situation and a person with whom I was working. So after much prayer and talking with my parents, we thought we would look into professional counseling. It was a wise choice, and it helped me get through some things.

Well, I haven't seen anyone in close to two months now, and I can tell. I have my good days, and I have my bad days, but the bad days seem to outnumber the good days. Some days I feel like I'm on top of the world when on other days I feel like the world is on top of me. Sundays, for some odd reason, are the hardest days of the week for me. I'm so used to Sunday being a day when I go to church with my family, I sit with my family during the service, and we eat lunch together afterward. Sunday here is so opposite. I don't know anyone I go to church with except for a few people, I feel so weird getting ready in the morning because my dad is not jokingly telling me to hurry up with my make-up so he can get in the shower, and I'm not eating with them after church.

I miss my family a lot. To be honest, right now anyway, I'm not looking forward to the day when I have to move out of my house for good and get a place of my own. I know that a lot can change in three years, but right now that thought scares me. Sometimes I wonder if I am really cut out for college. Some days I am so low that I feel like I could be depressed. I don't walk to talk to anyone or look at anyone or do anything. All I want to do is cry. And through all of this, I feel like I'm letting God down because I'm not being the devoted Christian that I should be.

I am having the hardest time trusting God these days. It used to be so easy for me to trust God. But now it's harder because the things I have to trust him with are bigger: money, guys, my weight, school, job, feelings, desires, and everything else that my worrying mind always finds to worry about. I know that God loves me, but there are days when I don't feel his love or him for that matter. I know he's with me, but it feels like he's a million miles away. I hate that I have to go through this. Maybe this is God's hand bringing me through this time so that on the other side, I'll be closer to him. But honestly, I have no clue.

My mom said she was going to check if there was anyone near here who I could see. I didn't think I would need more counseling when I returned to college. I thought my life would just kind of sort itself out. I guess I was wrong. So here I am, a girl who is turning 20 in two weeks but who feels like she's 13.

I don't mean to write all this as a pity party. But this is simply what's going on in my life. It may not be pretty, but who said life was always going to be roses and sunshine?

Well, until whenever,
Jana

Not Knowing how not to be Perfect

Life is too short wasting time trying to get things to be perfect. I wish someone would've told me my first year of college that it is okay not to be perfect. I wish I would have known that it is okay to get a B or a C in a class and that the world is not going to hold it against you. I wish I would've known that my parents don't want me to stress about getting A's all the time.

For a good majority of my life, I've striven for perfection. I had to have straight A's, I had to make sure none of my friends were mad at me, I literally wanted to be the best in everything I did. A part of me still wants that. A part of me still wants to be the best, but I know now that I just need to do my best and not worry about being perfect.

I'm in Astronomy this semester, and I'm not a fan. I don't like science and I never have. We had our first test on Friday, and I found out my score today. I got a 65%. I wasn't too thrilled. I wanted at least a B. It does make me feel a little better knowing that the class average was a 60%, but again, I've always wanted to be more than just five percent above the "average."

I know now what to expect in coming tests, and I know what to study more. But sometimes it's so hard trying to balance everything. I woke up this morning and it felt like all six classes with all of their responsibilities plus my newspaper obligations just piled on me. I didn't know what to do. I went to the fitness center and ran/walked my two miles, but I wasn't motivated to do any more than that. I usually don't call my parents until the afternoon or evening, but today I had talked to both of them before nine o'clock.

Right now, I'm sitting in the newspaper office waiting to fix the mistakes on my page, not worrying about what I have to do when I get back to my room. I have a test tomorrow in history, I have to finish reading for American Lit., and I have to create some sort of a rough draft for my American Lit. research paper due on Thursday. But I don't care. I should care and a big part of me is telling me to care, but I don't.

My dad emailed me this thing called "Wednesday Words with Leigh" written by Leigh McLeroy. Her topic was about asking for help and admitting that you have a pride issue. I have a perfection issue. I am obsessed with being perfect, and I think if I don't perform to a certain standard then I'm not going to be liked and loved as much, which I know is not true, but I still think that.

I honestly think my parents would be happier for me if I got a C in Astronomy rather than an A. They don't want me killing myself trying to make everything perfect, and honestly, I don't want to kill myself either. I know God is there to help me, but in the big scheme of things I sometimes think that he doesn't care about my petty problems. But he does, more than I know. He's great.

Not knowing how not to be perfect is hard for me. But I want to learn about not being perfect. I want to know how to live imperfectly while still glorifying God with my life.

Whoo! That was a lot. I better go.
God Bless.

Rend Your Heart

I went back to my college church today. It was so nice. It felt like returning home. The people there are so great, and I'm actually going to get involved with a small group this year. I'm going to my first one tonight.

I've had a problem lately with beating myself up after maybe I've eaten too much and haven't worked out, or spent too much money, or not doing well enough in a class. I know I shouldn't do this. But this morning when I woke up, I felt so dirty and so guilty. I hated how I felt. I prayed this morning while I was getting ready that God would speak to me today at church. Well, he more than answered my prayer.

This morning in the college class we were in Joel chapter 2 starting in verse 12. If you haven't read Joel in a while, you should read it. I was so good. It convicted me so much. In the midst of working on the newspaper, working out almost every morning before classes, and then trying to manage all my classes, I haven't spent very much time with God, whether that be praying or just sitting at his feet and reading his Word. But in a way I feel that if I leave those other things behind then they won't get done. I get so down on myself if I don't eat very well and then gain weight. I was doing so good this summer, and now I get back and it's so hard again. So if I substitute my workouts with my quiet time will I still have time to work out? Will I gain weight? If I don't stress about my classes as much will I still do as well? Or is God trying to teach me that the world doesn't revolve around getting A's.

As you can see, this is a problem I've been battling for awhile. I have three tests this week and to be honest, I'm not motivated to study for any of them. It's awful. I just really need to pray to keep God as my number one priority no matter what. I know I need to give everything to him, but it's so hard. I guess it's as it says in Matthew 6:33, "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and all its righteousness and all these things will be added unto you." I trust that. It's hard to trust that, but I have the courage to trust it.

I hope your week goes well. May God bless it.