Monday, September 21, 2009

Not Knowing how not to be Perfect

Life is too short wasting time trying to get things to be perfect. I wish someone would've told me my first year of college that it is okay not to be perfect. I wish I would have known that it is okay to get a B or a C in a class and that the world is not going to hold it against you. I wish I would've known that my parents don't want me to stress about getting A's all the time.

For a good majority of my life, I've striven for perfection. I had to have straight A's, I had to make sure none of my friends were mad at me, I literally wanted to be the best in everything I did. A part of me still wants that. A part of me still wants to be the best, but I know now that I just need to do my best and not worry about being perfect.

I'm in Astronomy this semester, and I'm not a fan. I don't like science and I never have. We had our first test on Friday, and I found out my score today. I got a 65%. I wasn't too thrilled. I wanted at least a B. It does make me feel a little better knowing that the class average was a 60%, but again, I've always wanted to be more than just five percent above the "average."

I know now what to expect in coming tests, and I know what to study more. But sometimes it's so hard trying to balance everything. I woke up this morning and it felt like all six classes with all of their responsibilities plus my newspaper obligations just piled on me. I didn't know what to do. I went to the fitness center and ran/walked my two miles, but I wasn't motivated to do any more than that. I usually don't call my parents until the afternoon or evening, but today I had talked to both of them before nine o'clock.

Right now, I'm sitting in the newspaper office waiting to fix the mistakes on my page, not worrying about what I have to do when I get back to my room. I have a test tomorrow in history, I have to finish reading for American Lit., and I have to create some sort of a rough draft for my American Lit. research paper due on Thursday. But I don't care. I should care and a big part of me is telling me to care, but I don't.

My dad emailed me this thing called "Wednesday Words with Leigh" written by Leigh McLeroy. Her topic was about asking for help and admitting that you have a pride issue. I have a perfection issue. I am obsessed with being perfect, and I think if I don't perform to a certain standard then I'm not going to be liked and loved as much, which I know is not true, but I still think that.

I honestly think my parents would be happier for me if I got a C in Astronomy rather than an A. They don't want me killing myself trying to make everything perfect, and honestly, I don't want to kill myself either. I know God is there to help me, but in the big scheme of things I sometimes think that he doesn't care about my petty problems. But he does, more than I know. He's great.

Not knowing how not to be perfect is hard for me. But I want to learn about not being perfect. I want to know how to live imperfectly while still glorifying God with my life.

Whoo! That was a lot. I better go.
God Bless.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Rend Your Heart

I went back to my college church today. It was so nice. It felt like returning home. The people there are so great, and I'm actually going to get involved with a small group this year. I'm going to my first one tonight.

I've had a problem lately with beating myself up after maybe I've eaten too much and haven't worked out, or spent too much money, or not doing well enough in a class. I know I shouldn't do this. But this morning when I woke up, I felt so dirty and so guilty. I hated how I felt. I prayed this morning while I was getting ready that God would speak to me today at church. Well, he more than answered my prayer.

This morning in the college class we were in Joel chapter 2 starting in verse 12. If you haven't read Joel in a while, you should read it. I was so good. It convicted me so much. In the midst of working on the newspaper, working out almost every morning before classes, and then trying to manage all my classes, I haven't spent very much time with God, whether that be praying or just sitting at his feet and reading his Word. But in a way I feel that if I leave those other things behind then they won't get done. I get so down on myself if I don't eat very well and then gain weight. I was doing so good this summer, and now I get back and it's so hard again. So if I substitute my workouts with my quiet time will I still have time to work out? Will I gain weight? If I don't stress about my classes as much will I still do as well? Or is God trying to teach me that the world doesn't revolve around getting A's.

As you can see, this is a problem I've been battling for awhile. I have three tests this week and to be honest, I'm not motivated to study for any of them. It's awful. I just really need to pray to keep God as my number one priority no matter what. I know I need to give everything to him, but it's so hard. I guess it's as it says in Matthew 6:33, "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and all its righteousness and all these things will be added unto you." I trust that. It's hard to trust that, but I have the courage to trust it.

I hope your week goes well. May God bless it.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Carrying On!

So I'm back at college, carrying on with everyday life. I'm in quite a few classes, but they're going all right. I just have to remember not to stress and to give them over to God, however scary that can be. I want to get all A's in my classes. I've never had anything lower than an A in my life to be truly honest, getting a B scares me. I don't know why, but I think I might just get one in Astronomy whether I like it or not.

My roommate and I are doing great. I have a new roommate this semester, and she's so sweet. She's such a doll. She's very different from the roommate I had last year, but it's a good different. It's funny because sometimes I'm expecting Katlyn to walk in the door, but it will be Katie instead.

I'm in a class this semester called Writing Fiction. It's wonderful. By far, it is my favorite class. Tomorrow I'm leading a lecture in class that I'm a little nervous about, but not too bad. I also have three tests next week, so I'll be studying for those a lot this week too, along with everything else I have to do.

Well, I better get off here and do some homework. Astronomy is calling, unfortunately.

God Bless.