Saturday, February 11, 2012

To Know Him More

This has been one of those weeks that, even though I have been surrounded by a sea of people, I have been so alone. I am at school every day surrounded by middle and high school students. I attend class once a week on campus surrounded by other student teachers as we better prepare to lead students in learning. I come home every night to a house where everyone is busy doing his or her thing. I've been around a lot of people, but I don't feel like I really know any of them. Maybe this is my own fault for being too busy or not making enough time for people, but I feel like I have. I feel like I've put forth the effort to spend time with them.

It's been one of those weeks where the only thing I'm sure about is the Lord and his love for me. I guess that's the only thing that really matters. Even though I know this, and even though I know He sustains and He is enough, some nights I come home and I just want to talk to someone. I just want someone to ask me about my day and listen to what I have to say, to be truly interested. Maybe this is selfish or too self-centered; I don't know. I'm just so excited about student teaching and what's going on at the school that I want to share that excitement, and I want that excitement to be valued. Again, I wonder if this is selfish.

If the Lord has taught me anything this week, it's how much I enjoy human interaction and communication. That's one thing I loved about my family when I was growing up. When we got home from school or when Mom picked us up after school, the first thing she asked was, "How was your day?" She genuinely wanted to know what was happening in my life, and she cared. I have been able to talk to my family over the phone, but they're busy too.

Despite being alone and being frustrated about it, I have been drawn to the Word more. Being alone has forced me to spend more time with the Lord. Maybe that was his intent all along. I read in John chapter 10 this week about the Lord being the shepherd and how he knows his sheep and they know his voice. My prayer is that I will grow to know him more. I want to know more the one who loves me in spite of all my flaws and imperfections. I do not deserve to be loved by him, but he still chooses to love me. He still chose to die for me. Maybe this time alone serves as time for me to know him more, to hear his voice more clearly and loudly in my life. He has to be enough. I have to trust him in this time and know that I am not alone, regardless of how I feel.

Yes, it's been an interesting week. I'm ready not to be a student anymore and just a teacher. I'm ready to be on my own. I'm ready, or at least I think I'm ready, for a lot of things. I guess we'll see. Only the Lord knows.

Until next time,
God Bless


Lea said...

Hi Dearie,

I'm sorry you have been feeling lonely. That can be most frustrating and/or depressing when one is surrounded by people and yet still feels lonely. I have certainly been there.

Actually, there are many times when I feel like that now. I get very excited about homeschooling and the different things we are doing or learning or the things I read about and I want to discuss them with someone. No one is interested really. Dear husband is so busy with trying to get his new practice up and running that he has very little extra time. Even before that, homeschooling was not really a subject that interested him much, unless I spent too much money:). Even my friend who homeschools is not interested because she uses different curricula and does not want to hear about anything else. It can be a very lonely world.

I have always felt though that, when I start feeling lonely, it is God's way of telling me I need to spend more time with Him. It is a time to draw nearer to Him and pray that He will fulfill the needs you have.

When we see each other next, I will be excited to hear all about what you are doing with your teaching. I am looking forward to it.

Missing you.
Love you bunches.

Lea said...

I just wanted that the homeschool forum that I read helps to fulfill that need in me...wanting to share with others and hearing about things they are doing and such. You might try looking for a forum for new teachers. Even a forum for experienced teachers might have a sub-section for new teachers. It is nice to be able to share with others, even if it is sometimes only online.