The past few posts on this blog haven't been very uplifting or encouraging. So don't count on this one to be either.
Earlier this year in June, God brought out some struggles in my life that I knew I had been facing for awhile. They were brought out due to my job situation and a person with whom I was working. So after much prayer and talking with my parents, we thought we would look into professional counseling. It was a wise choice, and it helped me get through some things.
Well, I haven't seen anyone in close to two months now, and I can tell. I have my good days, and I have my bad days, but the bad days seem to outnumber the good days. Some days I feel like I'm on top of the world when on other days I feel like the world is on top of me. Sundays, for some odd reason, are the hardest days of the week for me. I'm so used to Sunday being a day when I go to church with my family, I sit with my family during the service, and we eat lunch together afterward. Sunday here is so opposite. I don't know anyone I go to church with except for a few people, I feel so weird getting ready in the morning because my dad is not jokingly telling me to hurry up with my make-up so he can get in the shower, and I'm not eating with them after church.
I miss my family a lot. To be honest, right now anyway, I'm not looking forward to the day when I have to move out of my house for good and get a place of my own. I know that a lot can change in three years, but right now that thought scares me. Sometimes I wonder if I am really cut out for college. Some days I am so low that I feel like I could be depressed. I don't walk to talk to anyone or look at anyone or do anything. All I want to do is cry. And through all of this, I feel like I'm letting God down because I'm not being the devoted Christian that I should be.
I am having the hardest time trusting God these days. It used to be so easy for me to trust God. But now it's harder because the things I have to trust him with are bigger: money, guys, my weight, school, job, feelings, desires, and everything else that my worrying mind always finds to worry about. I know that God loves me, but there are days when I don't feel his love or him for that matter. I know he's with me, but it feels like he's a million miles away. I hate that I have to go through this. Maybe this is God's hand bringing me through this time so that on the other side, I'll be closer to him. But honestly, I have no clue.
My mom said she was going to check if there was anyone near here who I could see. I didn't think I would need more counseling when I returned to college. I thought my life would just kind of sort itself out. I guess I was wrong. So here I am, a girl who is turning 20 in two weeks but who feels like she's 13.
I don't mean to write all this as a pity party. But this is simply what's going on in my life. It may not be pretty, but who said life was always going to be roses and sunshine?
Well, until whenever,
Jana
2 comments:
Jana, I hate that you are feeling like this. To be honest, I can really relate to you though. I have been feeling the same way a lot...even broke down once last week. We both know God is with us, and for some reason we still struggle with relying in Him fully. Telling you not to worry is easier said than done, But we must strive and cling to Him. He has allowed us to feel like this for a purpose and He is the only way we will make it through these rainstorms in our lives to brighter days. Believe that it will get better and that He persevere! I miss you so much and wish I could be there to talk this out with you. I'm still here for you though, girl. I know you already know these, but Matthew 6:25-33 is always a great encouragement to me.I love you!
Jana, I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I have been there and I know it is a very hard place to be. I have not talked to you mom lately. I hope she was able to find someone nearby for you to talk with. When I was at Syracuse and needed someone to talk to, they had someone at the University, as they also had a health clinic we could go to. I don't think I ever had to pay for any kind of health care there, mental or physical, but things may have changed since then. You might talk to your academic counselor or maybe go to the health clinic and talk to one of the docs and see if they provide counselors for students to talk with. I would be surprised if they didn't. There are just too many issues that students have to deal with at college for them not to provide counselors to help out.
I will be praying for you, dear niece. My heart goes out to you and I wish there was more I could do.
Love you bunches,
Lea
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