I've realized over the couple of months, weeks and days that certain parts of growing up aren't as fun as others. For one, living on your own without a roommate just isn't that fun sometimes. I mean, I love having my own room and having all the extra space, but at the end of the day, it would be nice to be able to talk to someone. Yeah, I have friends I talk to, but when that certain friend who is usually always there for you gets a boyfriend, your problems suddenly pale in comparison. I called my friend the other night at 11:41 because I needed to talk to her about something. Well, she didn't answer her phone. I thought maybe she went to sleep because she goes to bed early.....usually. Turns out, she was with her boyfriend...at 11:41 at night, alone, in a car. THEY WERE OUT UNTIL 3! She never stays up with me that late, ever. But yet she can stay up with him.
I just don't understand. For a long time, I've wanted a boyfriend. But if this is what would end up happening, I think I'll pass for awhile. My friends are so much more important than a boy. I have two more years of college left. To some, that's not much, but to me, that means I still have four more semesters to hang out with friends, enjoy life, and make more friends. I can't really do all that when I'm tied down by a boy. Yes, parts of me do want someone sometimes, but that's when I go to God or go see a friend or do something and remember that someday my time will come. That time is not now. I haven't seen this girl hardly at all because she's with him all the time. I just wish I could hang out with her more. I remember all the fun times we used to have, and we haven't had any of those in a long time.
The bright side about all this is that God has allowed me to branch out and make new friends and build new relationships. And I love doing that. But it just stinks because I miss what this girl and I used to be. We used to be so close. And now, I feel like I hardly know her. I don't want to lose this friendship. But I know it's going to take both of us working for it. It just stinks when she's not working as hard as I am.
On a more positive note, we had our mission trip retreat this weekend, and it was a lot of fun. We stayed the night at our leader's house, and it was really homey and cozy. We got to know our team really well, and I can now see why God brought all of us together. I can't wait to go to South Asia. It's going to be awesome. And it doesn't seem possible that it's two months away.
I keep thinking about the future and what God has planned for me. I watched a movie with--as ironic as this is--the roommate of the girl I've been talking about. She's on the mission team with me. It's such a nice little circle. Anyway, this movie is "Must Love Dogs." If you haven't seen it, it's quite cute. Anyway, the main character dog sits her brother's dog all the time. The dog is a lab, and it's beautiful. When I saw the image of this huge dog climbing in bed with this single, middle-age woman, that's what I wanted. Not to be single when I'm 40 by any means, but to just have a dog and be able to live independently for awhile. Not for forever, but for awhile.
God has laid it upon me so heavily that before I'm ever going to find anyone that I can love in a romantic sort of way that I'm going to have know who I am in him. I don't know that yet. Some days I accept myself: my size, my weight, my appearance, my personality. Other days, I spend the day comparing myself to everyone else. I don't want to do the latter for the rest of my life. I want to wake up and know without a shadow of the doubt that I am beautiful. Not because a man says I am, but because God says I am in his Word. God created me in his image, and he will love me and call me beautiful until the day I die and for eternity. I just have to come to terms with that. I have to learn to love myself because God loves me. Only then will I be able to love other people. This may not sound like the most sound doctrine, but when you wake up beating yourself up every morning because of how you look, it starts to make sense.
I had to confront someone the other night, and it was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. Confrontation tops the list of things that aren't fun about growing up. But I did it, and I think it helped me see things in a different light with a certain person. Everyone is human. Everyone sins and makes mistakes. Some of those mistakes hurt worse than others, but they happen. In the movie I watched tonight, John Cusack makes the comment that when your heart gets broken it just grows back bigger and allows you to love more. I hope that's true. Not that I've had my heart broken, but in a way it feels like it. I hope God will work in my heart and allow it to grow bigger on so many levels. Not in a physical way because that would be bad, but in a spiritual way. I want to learn to love better. I want to be able to accept people and accept life as God throws it my way.
So, yes, growing up can sometimes, well, it can stink. But it happens. We grow, we learn, we live, and hopefully, someday, we learn how to love with all our hearts. At least I hope we do.
I just don't understand. For a long time, I've wanted a boyfriend. But if this is what would end up happening, I think I'll pass for awhile. My friends are so much more important than a boy. I have two more years of college left. To some, that's not much, but to me, that means I still have four more semesters to hang out with friends, enjoy life, and make more friends. I can't really do all that when I'm tied down by a boy. Yes, parts of me do want someone sometimes, but that's when I go to God or go see a friend or do something and remember that someday my time will come. That time is not now. I haven't seen this girl hardly at all because she's with him all the time. I just wish I could hang out with her more. I remember all the fun times we used to have, and we haven't had any of those in a long time.
The bright side about all this is that God has allowed me to branch out and make new friends and build new relationships. And I love doing that. But it just stinks because I miss what this girl and I used to be. We used to be so close. And now, I feel like I hardly know her. I don't want to lose this friendship. But I know it's going to take both of us working for it. It just stinks when she's not working as hard as I am.
On a more positive note, we had our mission trip retreat this weekend, and it was a lot of fun. We stayed the night at our leader's house, and it was really homey and cozy. We got to know our team really well, and I can now see why God brought all of us together. I can't wait to go to South Asia. It's going to be awesome. And it doesn't seem possible that it's two months away.
I keep thinking about the future and what God has planned for me. I watched a movie with--as ironic as this is--the roommate of the girl I've been talking about. She's on the mission team with me. It's such a nice little circle. Anyway, this movie is "Must Love Dogs." If you haven't seen it, it's quite cute. Anyway, the main character dog sits her brother's dog all the time. The dog is a lab, and it's beautiful. When I saw the image of this huge dog climbing in bed with this single, middle-age woman, that's what I wanted. Not to be single when I'm 40 by any means, but to just have a dog and be able to live independently for awhile. Not for forever, but for awhile.
God has laid it upon me so heavily that before I'm ever going to find anyone that I can love in a romantic sort of way that I'm going to have know who I am in him. I don't know that yet. Some days I accept myself: my size, my weight, my appearance, my personality. Other days, I spend the day comparing myself to everyone else. I don't want to do the latter for the rest of my life. I want to wake up and know without a shadow of the doubt that I am beautiful. Not because a man says I am, but because God says I am in his Word. God created me in his image, and he will love me and call me beautiful until the day I die and for eternity. I just have to come to terms with that. I have to learn to love myself because God loves me. Only then will I be able to love other people. This may not sound like the most sound doctrine, but when you wake up beating yourself up every morning because of how you look, it starts to make sense.
I had to confront someone the other night, and it was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. Confrontation tops the list of things that aren't fun about growing up. But I did it, and I think it helped me see things in a different light with a certain person. Everyone is human. Everyone sins and makes mistakes. Some of those mistakes hurt worse than others, but they happen. In the movie I watched tonight, John Cusack makes the comment that when your heart gets broken it just grows back bigger and allows you to love more. I hope that's true. Not that I've had my heart broken, but in a way it feels like it. I hope God will work in my heart and allow it to grow bigger on so many levels. Not in a physical way because that would be bad, but in a spiritual way. I want to learn to love better. I want to be able to accept people and accept life as God throws it my way.
So, yes, growing up can sometimes, well, it can stink. But it happens. We grow, we learn, we live, and hopefully, someday, we learn how to love with all our hearts. At least I hope we do.
2 comments:
Hey girl! Yes I totally agree with you in a lot of things you mentioned. Growing up is not always going to be fun, but that is life and I am glad you confront these obstacles in your life honestly. It is a very mature way to deal with matters that we sometimes wish we could just kick and scream about until we get our way like we did when we were kids. I know that there is going to be a perfect guy for you that will come at just the perfect time. I agree that we need to focus on friend relationships and our most important relationship- with Jesus. I feel much the same as you in that we need to feel beautiful, comfortable, and fully loved by our creator in every way before making commitments to our significant others. I pray that you and I may continue to seek paths like these and that we will truly be blessed for it. Also know that even though I'm not there and wish I could be your roommate so we could talk about this stuff together in person, I am available to talk whenever you need...no matter the time. I love you girl!
I agree with what Katlyn said:). I will add this. Try to be patient and understanding with friends who have a boyfriend. Someday you will be there too and you will understand that it does change things, as much as we think it won't. God intends for your husband to be your very best friend ever, so at some point, you will experience this also.
Sorry you are going through some tough times. I love you and miss you. Look forward to seeing you soon.
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