Just some thoughts

The following things you will shortly read have floated around in my head for quite some time. It makes sense to sit down and hash them out with words and maybe even get a little feedback from my readers, however few they may be. I don't know how much sense any of this will make, but here it goes.

At the beginning of the summer, I traveled with a team of students here at the university I attend to South Asia for a mission trip. The trip amazed me, and God revealed things to me through the experiences of the trip I would not have learned here in the United States. Well, to make a long story short, I returned to college and found out the church I attend plans to take a collegiate mission trip to this same location this winter. Of course, this instantly spoke to my heart, and it intrigued me. The trip costs less than it did with the university, and I already own all the clothes and necessities I would need for the trip. I know if God wants me to go, he'll provide a way to raise the funds, and it will work itself out.

And then I think about how I want to move off-campus next semester and how much that will cost. I wonder if my parents will not want me to go on the mission trip because they want me to stay here and work to pay for rent if and when I move off-campus. I just hate talking with my parents right now about money because money runs low right now, and I know we don't have a lot of it. Living off-campus and paying rent means more up-front costs every month, and I won't have the meal plan the university offers so we would have to work out a plan for food as well. In the long run, it would be cheaper than living in the dorm, but I don't know what parents will say. And if I can't find another job besides the newspaper, then living off-campus or the mission trip might be out of the question all together.

But these musings find company with one thought that remains in my head on a regular basis and has resided there longer than any of the above thoughts. On May 15, 2009, (yes, I still remember the date), I received a response email from a publishing company to whom I had sent the manuscript of my book. The author acquisitions representative told me in the email that her company wanted to publish my book. I reread the email tonight--being a good idea or not--and the butterflies in my stomach were still there as my eyes graced across those words. They only take 4% of the tens of thousands of submissions they receive every year. But--yeah, here's the catch--to publish with this company would cost me a whoppin' $4,000. I do not have this money. But every time I hear this some or think about what I would do with a large some of money, I think about my book. I just want to hold it in my hands and know that it belongs to me. I also know that publishing this book represents the selfish desires in my heart, my selfish flesh.

So every time I get to this point where I can't decide what I'm supposed to do with my life or the near future, I have to ask myself, "What is the most selfless? What would Jesus do?" And of course, I find a pull back to the mission trip. But then I wonder if that too constitutes selfishness because it would be easier on my parents financially if I stayed here and worked. Maybe a win-win situation does not exist. I don't know. But I do know that God is good. He is fantastically and amazingly sovereign and good. I believe he will fulfill the desires of my heart in ways I cannot imagine. I also know he knows best for me; better than what I know for myself.

But those desires to go on the mission trip, live off-campus and save every penny I can to publish my story root deep in my heart. The roots run deep, and I have a passion for missions just as I have a passion to hold this story in my hands bound in a cover. It's sad that all these issues hinge on money. Why money? But I know God can do anything. Anything.

Thank goodness God exemplifies goodness because if not, all the above mess going on in my head right now would just be a whole lot messier and crazier. Thank goodness. Thank goodness for my awesome, loving God.

Until next time,
God Bless