I've come to realize over the last few weeks that I've been tricking myself for a ridiculous amount of time. I tricked myself in high school thinking I had found my best friend who would always be there for me. I tricked myself when I got to college thinking I had found another new best friend who would always be there for me and be able to tell me anything. Tonight I found out differently.
God has been showing me that until I can find total satisfaction and rest and peace in him, then I will not find fulfillment in earthly relationships. My friends and my relationships can't meet all my needs. Only God can do that. I guess I've always watched Anne of Green Gables way too much and dreamed of the kind of relationship that Anne and Diana had. But is that kind of a relationship really possible here on earth? I don't know. I've yet to find it. I just know that God has been stripping away everything from me until all I have left is him. I'm a very relational person and I would love to find that one person that I could spill my heart to, but God's been trying to get my attention and tell me, "Hey, I'm that one person." It's just hard because he's not a tangible being sitting right next to me. His response is not audible.
Sometimes I wonder if Jesus ever felt lonely. He had twelve disciples with him, he had his mother and brothers, he had his followers; but in the midst of that vast array of people, did he ever just feel like no one understood him, like no one really knew him? That's how I feel. I feel like even though I know people's names and I know who they are, I don't have any relationships where I feel I belong. I know it's just my freshman year, and I know I have three years left of college, but I just thought this stage of not having a best friend would end when I arrived at college. The obvious has been there all along, but I didn't want to accept it. God has to be my best friend, my true love, my everything before anyone here on earth can fill those places. God has to be first in everything I do.
We've all been taught that when we first accept Christ as our Savior that we are babies in Christ. Well, I accepted Christ when I was six years old. I've been a Christian for thirteen years. I noticed that similar to the age when teenagers start to rebel, I am at the "spiritual age" where I am rebelling God. It's like what Paul says in Romans 7. He does what he doesn't want to do, and he doesn't do what he wants to do.
I wish someone would've written a book about the realities of college. Not the feel good, "College is great" side of college; the part that says, "Homesickness is real, weirdness is inevitable, awkwardness will happen, and not being able to hear God is normal." No one prepared me for this. I thought it was going to be happy days and no worries. That couldn't be further from the truth. Don't get me wrong, I do really enjoy the freedom and I love that I'm getting an education and learning a lot, but it's just really weird. I don't know any other way to describe it.
Some good things that have happened recently are that I have finally figured out what I'm going to major in. I'm going to double major in Public Relations Communications and Writing. Both majors are 36 hours and so I will have plenty of time to complete both in four years. I am also considering studying abroad. Every time I think about it my heart goes crazy and I just get so excited. I would love nothing more than to study literature in one of the most historical literary capitals of the world: London. Wouldn't that be amazing?
I'm also learning to re-trust God with the little things. He has funny ways of doing it, but he does it. He's such a great God. I'm glad he puts up with all of my inconsistencies and craziness. Thank goodness for his renewed mercies every morning. Thank goodness for his unfailing love.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Spring Break Anyone?
This week I've already had two quizzes, one test, and then tomorrow I have a quiz, and Friday I have another test. Then next week I have three tests one on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. It's a wonderful life.
This semester has been good so far, but I think I've mentioned before that life is weird. I don't know if I thought it would change when I got back this semester, but it still hasn't. I'm taking a lot of classes I don't want to take, but I have to take them because they are general education requirements. There are just things I wish could be different about life, about myself, and about a lot of things. They really are just petty things that I need to give over to God and surrender to him. They aren't important, well to me they are, but in the big scheme of things they aren't that important. They could be changed so easily, but there's this small part of me called my flesh that won't let them go. It's part of being a sinful human, but I guess I just need some prayer.
Well, with that said, pray for me as well as I take my tests and try to make it until Spring Break. I will be really happy when that part of the semester rolls my way. I just have to tell myself that this time next year, I will be taking classes I want to take working toward my major!!!
That's all for now.
God Bless!
This semester has been good so far, but I think I've mentioned before that life is weird. I don't know if I thought it would change when I got back this semester, but it still hasn't. I'm taking a lot of classes I don't want to take, but I have to take them because they are general education requirements. There are just things I wish could be different about life, about myself, and about a lot of things. They really are just petty things that I need to give over to God and surrender to him. They aren't important, well to me they are, but in the big scheme of things they aren't that important. They could be changed so easily, but there's this small part of me called my flesh that won't let them go. It's part of being a sinful human, but I guess I just need some prayer.
Well, with that said, pray for me as well as I take my tests and try to make it until Spring Break. I will be really happy when that part of the semester rolls my way. I just have to tell myself that this time next year, I will be taking classes I want to take working toward my major!!!
That's all for now.
God Bless!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Third Times the Charm!!!
This is first week in three weeks that nothing tragic has happened to my truck. Praise be to God. Sometimes God just gives us little tests and sometimes they come all at once.
I went to our crisis pregnancy center to volunteer today for the first time in over a month. I missed it so much. I was so glad to be back and getting back into the normal routine of things. Not much is going on here. My roommate and I are hosting a prospective student this weekend for what's called "Bearcat Days." About 200 seniors in high school are coming to stay Sunday night, and we get to host one in our dorm room. It will be really fun. I was a bearcat last year, and I can't believe that it's already been a year since I stayed here. Incredible.
My roommate also invited me to attend a Disciple Now weekend at a church not too far from here. I would be in charge of a group of girls ranging from 7th grade to seniors in high school. I'm very excited to do this. It will be the first weekend in March and I can't wait. (By the way, Disciple Now is like a weekend retreat that churches host and it's just a very close setting to grow deeper in your walk with Christ. That's a rough description.)
My roommate is also going home with me not this weekend, but next. It's going to be so much fun. She's never been to Oklahoma, and I'm excited to be the first person to take her there. Fun times.
Well, I've got to go take pictures at the basketball game for yearbook. Makin' the big bucks. Ha ha. Not really.
Until next time, God Bless.
I went to our crisis pregnancy center to volunteer today for the first time in over a month. I missed it so much. I was so glad to be back and getting back into the normal routine of things. Not much is going on here. My roommate and I are hosting a prospective student this weekend for what's called "Bearcat Days." About 200 seniors in high school are coming to stay Sunday night, and we get to host one in our dorm room. It will be really fun. I was a bearcat last year, and I can't believe that it's already been a year since I stayed here. Incredible.
My roommate also invited me to attend a Disciple Now weekend at a church not too far from here. I would be in charge of a group of girls ranging from 7th grade to seniors in high school. I'm very excited to do this. It will be the first weekend in March and I can't wait. (By the way, Disciple Now is like a weekend retreat that churches host and it's just a very close setting to grow deeper in your walk with Christ. That's a rough description.)
My roommate is also going home with me not this weekend, but next. It's going to be so much fun. She's never been to Oklahoma, and I'm excited to be the first person to take her there. Fun times.
Well, I've got to go take pictures at the basketball game for yearbook. Makin' the big bucks. Ha ha. Not really.
Until next time, God Bless.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
God's Grace and Love!
So yesterday, I had another learning experience about God's amazingness.
I was out of class by 10:45 yesterday morning, and I didn't have anything until 12:30, my bio lab. Well, I thought I would go to Wal-Mart and run some errands in my hour and forty-five minute break. I didn't want to waste any time. So I headed back to my room after I ate lunch, and then headed to Wal-Mart. As I was backing out of the dorm parking lot, I noticed that my steering wheel was hard to turn. I thought it was weird, but I didn't think much about it. Well, then I noticed when I put it into drive that the gas pedal was hard to push down. This didn't surprise me because when I first started driving the truck I noticed the gas pedal stuck in a certain spot. I just usually give the pedal a little more pressure when this happens and it works just fine. Not so yesterday. I was almost out of the parking lot when I really stepped on it, and it just kind of flopped. There was no normal pressure to it, no normal "gas pedal" feeling. It felt like it was broken. Thank goodness it still ran and didn't stop moving on me in the middle of the road. It only went like 10 miles an hour, though. But I guess that's better than getting it stuck at like sixty miles an hour. That wouldn't have been good at all. And praise the Lord the brake pedal still worked. So I just kind of coasted into a parking lot nearest to where I was, and I was already just panicking and freaking out.
I called my dad and I was on the verge of tears. He told me to call the guy who had worked on my truck first semester. Then he could tell I was crying and asked me why I was upset. This wasn't a very good statement for him to make because (1) I didn't even know gas pedals could do this, and (2) I'm a girl, by myself, only back at college my second week, and I didn't know what to do. I told him I was flustered, and he, of course, told me not to worry about it. Mr. Fix It.
So I went into the dorm and found the number to the auto shop and called them. To make a long story short they didn't actually get to my truck until 3:30 yesterday afternoon. They actually came to the school to look at it. I popped the hood and the guy knew exactly where to look. I'm not going to try to explain what was wrong, but it was all due to the mechanism that controls my gas pedal cable not having enough lubrication. It was caught on something and that's why the pedal "broke." So he fixed it enough that I could drive it out to the shop. He followed me all the way and told me that if it went out again, he would tow it. Thankfully, I made it to the shop just fine. When I got there, he just sprayed some stuff on the mechanism and now it works so well.
The thing I learned the most with this is that no matter how insignificant or trivial a problem may be, God is still in control. I was so flustered yesterday. I was freaking out and not trusting him and afterwards, I was sorry I hadn't trusted God from the beginning. And the best thing of all was that it didn't cost me anything. The guys at that auto shop are the most amazing guys in the world when it comes to cars. They are so nice, especially to the college students because they know we are poor.
Anyway, just wanted to share. Just remember that no matter what life throws at you, no matter what "gas pedal breaks" in your life; God is right there waiting to fix it if we will trust him and let him into our lives. I think I've been pushing God away lately. Not consciously, but I've still been doing it. Yesterday was a way of him pulling in the reigns for me. He called to me and I heard him. I ran into his open arms. One is grace, the other love.
I was out of class by 10:45 yesterday morning, and I didn't have anything until 12:30, my bio lab. Well, I thought I would go to Wal-Mart and run some errands in my hour and forty-five minute break. I didn't want to waste any time. So I headed back to my room after I ate lunch, and then headed to Wal-Mart. As I was backing out of the dorm parking lot, I noticed that my steering wheel was hard to turn. I thought it was weird, but I didn't think much about it. Well, then I noticed when I put it into drive that the gas pedal was hard to push down. This didn't surprise me because when I first started driving the truck I noticed the gas pedal stuck in a certain spot. I just usually give the pedal a little more pressure when this happens and it works just fine. Not so yesterday. I was almost out of the parking lot when I really stepped on it, and it just kind of flopped. There was no normal pressure to it, no normal "gas pedal" feeling. It felt like it was broken. Thank goodness it still ran and didn't stop moving on me in the middle of the road. It only went like 10 miles an hour, though. But I guess that's better than getting it stuck at like sixty miles an hour. That wouldn't have been good at all. And praise the Lord the brake pedal still worked. So I just kind of coasted into a parking lot nearest to where I was, and I was already just panicking and freaking out.
I called my dad and I was on the verge of tears. He told me to call the guy who had worked on my truck first semester. Then he could tell I was crying and asked me why I was upset. This wasn't a very good statement for him to make because (1) I didn't even know gas pedals could do this, and (2) I'm a girl, by myself, only back at college my second week, and I didn't know what to do. I told him I was flustered, and he, of course, told me not to worry about it. Mr. Fix It.
So I went into the dorm and found the number to the auto shop and called them. To make a long story short they didn't actually get to my truck until 3:30 yesterday afternoon. They actually came to the school to look at it. I popped the hood and the guy knew exactly where to look. I'm not going to try to explain what was wrong, but it was all due to the mechanism that controls my gas pedal cable not having enough lubrication. It was caught on something and that's why the pedal "broke." So he fixed it enough that I could drive it out to the shop. He followed me all the way and told me that if it went out again, he would tow it. Thankfully, I made it to the shop just fine. When I got there, he just sprayed some stuff on the mechanism and now it works so well.
The thing I learned the most with this is that no matter how insignificant or trivial a problem may be, God is still in control. I was so flustered yesterday. I was freaking out and not trusting him and afterwards, I was sorry I hadn't trusted God from the beginning. And the best thing of all was that it didn't cost me anything. The guys at that auto shop are the most amazing guys in the world when it comes to cars. They are so nice, especially to the college students because they know we are poor.
Anyway, just wanted to share. Just remember that no matter what life throws at you, no matter what "gas pedal breaks" in your life; God is right there waiting to fix it if we will trust him and let him into our lives. I think I've been pushing God away lately. Not consciously, but I've still been doing it. Yesterday was a way of him pulling in the reigns for me. He called to me and I heard him. I ran into his open arms. One is grace, the other love.
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