I've come to realize over the last few weeks that I've been tricking myself for a ridiculous amount of time. I tricked myself in high school thinking I had found my best friend who would always be there for me. I tricked myself when I got to college thinking I had found another new best friend who would always be there for me and be able to tell me anything. Tonight I found out differently.
God has been showing me that until I can find total satisfaction and rest and peace in him, then I will not find fulfillment in earthly relationships. My friends and my relationships can't meet all my needs. Only God can do that. I guess I've always watched Anne of Green Gables way too much and dreamed of the kind of relationship that Anne and Diana had. But is that kind of a relationship really possible here on earth? I don't know. I've yet to find it. I just know that God has been stripping away everything from me until all I have left is him. I'm a very relational person and I would love to find that one person that I could spill my heart to, but God's been trying to get my attention and tell me, "Hey, I'm that one person." It's just hard because he's not a tangible being sitting right next to me. His response is not audible.
Sometimes I wonder if Jesus ever felt lonely. He had twelve disciples with him, he had his mother and brothers, he had his followers; but in the midst of that vast array of people, did he ever just feel like no one understood him, like no one really knew him? That's how I feel. I feel like even though I know people's names and I know who they are, I don't have any relationships where I feel I belong. I know it's just my freshman year, and I know I have three years left of college, but I just thought this stage of not having a best friend would end when I arrived at college. The obvious has been there all along, but I didn't want to accept it. God has to be my best friend, my true love, my everything before anyone here on earth can fill those places. God has to be first in everything I do.
We've all been taught that when we first accept Christ as our Savior that we are babies in Christ. Well, I accepted Christ when I was six years old. I've been a Christian for thirteen years. I noticed that similar to the age when teenagers start to rebel, I am at the "spiritual age" where I am rebelling God. It's like what Paul says in Romans 7. He does what he doesn't want to do, and he doesn't do what he wants to do.
I wish someone would've written a book about the realities of college. Not the feel good, "College is great" side of college; the part that says, "Homesickness is real, weirdness is inevitable, awkwardness will happen, and not being able to hear God is normal." No one prepared me for this. I thought it was going to be happy days and no worries. That couldn't be further from the truth. Don't get me wrong, I do really enjoy the freedom and I love that I'm getting an education and learning a lot, but it's just really weird. I don't know any other way to describe it.
Some good things that have happened recently are that I have finally figured out what I'm going to major in. I'm going to double major in Public Relations Communications and Writing. Both majors are 36 hours and so I will have plenty of time to complete both in four years. I am also considering studying abroad. Every time I think about it my heart goes crazy and I just get so excited. I would love nothing more than to study literature in one of the most historical literary capitals of the world: London. Wouldn't that be amazing?
I'm also learning to re-trust God with the little things. He has funny ways of doing it, but he does it. He's such a great God. I'm glad he puts up with all of my inconsistencies and craziness. Thank goodness for his renewed mercies every morning. Thank goodness for his unfailing love.
1 comment:
I wish I'd never let you down. That's been one of the major regrets of my actions in the past is that I was a disappointment to you.
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