Waiting for the sun

The past few posts on this blog haven't been very uplifting or encouraging. So don't count on this one to be either.

Earlier this year in June, God brought out some struggles in my life that I knew I had been facing for awhile. They were brought out due to my job situation and a person with whom I was working. So after much prayer and talking with my parents, we thought we would look into professional counseling. It was a wise choice, and it helped me get through some things.

Well, I haven't seen anyone in close to two months now, and I can tell. I have my good days, and I have my bad days, but the bad days seem to outnumber the good days. Some days I feel like I'm on top of the world when on other days I feel like the world is on top of me. Sundays, for some odd reason, are the hardest days of the week for me. I'm so used to Sunday being a day when I go to church with my family, I sit with my family during the service, and we eat lunch together afterward. Sunday here is so opposite. I don't know anyone I go to church with except for a few people, I feel so weird getting ready in the morning because my dad is not jokingly telling me to hurry up with my make-up so he can get in the shower, and I'm not eating with them after church.

I miss my family a lot. To be honest, right now anyway, I'm not looking forward to the day when I have to move out of my house for good and get a place of my own. I know that a lot can change in three years, but right now that thought scares me. Sometimes I wonder if I am really cut out for college. Some days I am so low that I feel like I could be depressed. I don't walk to talk to anyone or look at anyone or do anything. All I want to do is cry. And through all of this, I feel like I'm letting God down because I'm not being the devoted Christian that I should be.

I am having the hardest time trusting God these days. It used to be so easy for me to trust God. But now it's harder because the things I have to trust him with are bigger: money, guys, my weight, school, job, feelings, desires, and everything else that my worrying mind always finds to worry about. I know that God loves me, but there are days when I don't feel his love or him for that matter. I know he's with me, but it feels like he's a million miles away. I hate that I have to go through this. Maybe this is God's hand bringing me through this time so that on the other side, I'll be closer to him. But honestly, I have no clue.

My mom said she was going to check if there was anyone near here who I could see. I didn't think I would need more counseling when I returned to college. I thought my life would just kind of sort itself out. I guess I was wrong. So here I am, a girl who is turning 20 in two weeks but who feels like she's 13.

I don't mean to write all this as a pity party. But this is simply what's going on in my life. It may not be pretty, but who said life was always going to be roses and sunshine?

Well, until whenever,
Jana

Not Knowing how not to be Perfect

Life is too short wasting time trying to get things to be perfect. I wish someone would've told me my first year of college that it is okay not to be perfect. I wish I would have known that it is okay to get a B or a C in a class and that the world is not going to hold it against you. I wish I would've known that my parents don't want me to stress about getting A's all the time.

For a good majority of my life, I've striven for perfection. I had to have straight A's, I had to make sure none of my friends were mad at me, I literally wanted to be the best in everything I did. A part of me still wants that. A part of me still wants to be the best, but I know now that I just need to do my best and not worry about being perfect.

I'm in Astronomy this semester, and I'm not a fan. I don't like science and I never have. We had our first test on Friday, and I found out my score today. I got a 65%. I wasn't too thrilled. I wanted at least a B. It does make me feel a little better knowing that the class average was a 60%, but again, I've always wanted to be more than just five percent above the "average."

I know now what to expect in coming tests, and I know what to study more. But sometimes it's so hard trying to balance everything. I woke up this morning and it felt like all six classes with all of their responsibilities plus my newspaper obligations just piled on me. I didn't know what to do. I went to the fitness center and ran/walked my two miles, but I wasn't motivated to do any more than that. I usually don't call my parents until the afternoon or evening, but today I had talked to both of them before nine o'clock.

Right now, I'm sitting in the newspaper office waiting to fix the mistakes on my page, not worrying about what I have to do when I get back to my room. I have a test tomorrow in history, I have to finish reading for American Lit., and I have to create some sort of a rough draft for my American Lit. research paper due on Thursday. But I don't care. I should care and a big part of me is telling me to care, but I don't.

My dad emailed me this thing called "Wednesday Words with Leigh" written by Leigh McLeroy. Her topic was about asking for help and admitting that you have a pride issue. I have a perfection issue. I am obsessed with being perfect, and I think if I don't perform to a certain standard then I'm not going to be liked and loved as much, which I know is not true, but I still think that.

I honestly think my parents would be happier for me if I got a C in Astronomy rather than an A. They don't want me killing myself trying to make everything perfect, and honestly, I don't want to kill myself either. I know God is there to help me, but in the big scheme of things I sometimes think that he doesn't care about my petty problems. But he does, more than I know. He's great.

Not knowing how not to be perfect is hard for me. But I want to learn about not being perfect. I want to know how to live imperfectly while still glorifying God with my life.

Whoo! That was a lot. I better go.
God Bless.

Rend Your Heart

I went back to my college church today. It was so nice. It felt like returning home. The people there are so great, and I'm actually going to get involved with a small group this year. I'm going to my first one tonight.

I've had a problem lately with beating myself up after maybe I've eaten too much and haven't worked out, or spent too much money, or not doing well enough in a class. I know I shouldn't do this. But this morning when I woke up, I felt so dirty and so guilty. I hated how I felt. I prayed this morning while I was getting ready that God would speak to me today at church. Well, he more than answered my prayer.

This morning in the college class we were in Joel chapter 2 starting in verse 12. If you haven't read Joel in a while, you should read it. I was so good. It convicted me so much. In the midst of working on the newspaper, working out almost every morning before classes, and then trying to manage all my classes, I haven't spent very much time with God, whether that be praying or just sitting at his feet and reading his Word. But in a way I feel that if I leave those other things behind then they won't get done. I get so down on myself if I don't eat very well and then gain weight. I was doing so good this summer, and now I get back and it's so hard again. So if I substitute my workouts with my quiet time will I still have time to work out? Will I gain weight? If I don't stress about my classes as much will I still do as well? Or is God trying to teach me that the world doesn't revolve around getting A's.

As you can see, this is a problem I've been battling for awhile. I have three tests this week and to be honest, I'm not motivated to study for any of them. It's awful. I just really need to pray to keep God as my number one priority no matter what. I know I need to give everything to him, but it's so hard. I guess it's as it says in Matthew 6:33, "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and all its righteousness and all these things will be added unto you." I trust that. It's hard to trust that, but I have the courage to trust it.

I hope your week goes well. May God bless it.

Carrying On!

So I'm back at college, carrying on with everyday life. I'm in quite a few classes, but they're going all right. I just have to remember not to stress and to give them over to God, however scary that can be. I want to get all A's in my classes. I've never had anything lower than an A in my life to be truly honest, getting a B scares me. I don't know why, but I think I might just get one in Astronomy whether I like it or not.

My roommate and I are doing great. I have a new roommate this semester, and she's so sweet. She's such a doll. She's very different from the roommate I had last year, but it's a good different. It's funny because sometimes I'm expecting Katlyn to walk in the door, but it will be Katie instead.

I'm in a class this semester called Writing Fiction. It's wonderful. By far, it is my favorite class. Tomorrow I'm leading a lecture in class that I'm a little nervous about, but not too bad. I also have three tests next week, so I'll be studying for those a lot this week too, along with everything else I have to do.

Well, I better get off here and do some homework. Astronomy is calling, unfortunately.

God Bless.
Jana

Hold My Heart

God desires that we cry out to him. Psalm 62:8 says, "Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." He craves for our communication and relationship with him. He is jealous for us. Going through this first week of classes has been stressful, I'm not going to lie. I'm carrying 18 hours and that counts for six classes, all with plenty of reading. But I know that God is sitting up in heaven telling me not to worry and not to stress. I've been so anxious and a little homesick. But I know that God hears all of my cries and that he is right here to comfort me. He just wants me to cry out to him, no matter what.

One thing I have to remind myself is of Matthew 6:33. It says, "Seek first the kingdom of heaven and its righteousness and all these things will be added unto you." God doesn't want me to worry about classes or my weight or being homesick. He wants me to rest in him. He doesn't want me to slack off, but he doesn't want me to stress either.

I think God has brought me to a time of silence in my life. I say that looking at more than one aspect. This is a learning time. God is teaching me and showing me things not through explicit actions, but over long periods of time. Periods of time that require waiting and silence.

Come Away My Beloved, a book I've been reading for some time now talks about this mysterious silence. "I want to make you strong. I want you to be a Devastator. I have brought you to this place. Make the most of it. Drink in the silence. Seek solitude. LISTEN TO THE SILENCE. It will teach you. It will build strength. Let others share it with you. It is priceless. It is little to be found elsewhere." I like that last statement. Silence is hard to find apart from God. The world is so busy, college is so crazy, and everywhere you look there is noise and distractions. God wants us to be silent and take time to rest in him. He doesn't want us worrying about money, or grades, or appearances, or whatever. He wants us resting in him. Jesus tells us in the Bible to come to him and take his burden for it is light. I don't want the burden I've been carrying. It's too heavy. But I know that I can carry the burden of Jesus. It is light.

So if you are a praying follower of Christ, I could use your prayers. I could your intercession on my behalf unto the Spirit. I didn't know this semester was going to be so trying to early. But it is. I know that I can do all things through him who gives me strength. Just pray for me. Pray that my faith and trust in God are strengthened.

I hope your day is filled with wonder and newness. This new day is a gift from God. Let us live with abundance.

God Bless.

Miss UNsociable

Being back at college even just a measly five days has taught me so much. But what's new? Over the summer God really spoke to me and convicted me that I had been putting idols in my life that were distracting me from him. I also had the privilege to work with my work group this summer and got to invest in their lives. Well, combine those two things and you get a whole bunch of information overload from God. It was welcomed, but a little heavy at times.

There was a night this summer when I asked my dad if he thought that I was socially awkward. We walked and talked about it, and we discussed what that meant and what the Bible says about how we should live our lives. In my opinion and I believe out of strong conviction, I don't think God is so worried about how we fit in socially or if we're awkward or not. Let's think about it. Jesus probably didn't fit in socially all the time when he was on the earth. He had his twelve that he was comfortable around and those were the men who accepted him, but there were probably more people than not who didn't like him. I don't think Christ calls us to be liked. I think he calls us to love others as he did.

I've been here for five days interacting with new and old people. More new people than old, mind you. I must say that it is kind of hard for me to do that. When I was younger, interacting with new people was the easiest thing ever for me because I would just put myself out there and go with the flow. But is that what Christ wants? Did he go with the flow? I would say he did not. I know now that when I was younger, part of the reason I was so able to get along with new people was because I wore a mask. I don't like masks. I hate trying to be someone I'm not. I hate trying to be happy and peppy when really, I'm not feeling that way at all. In all actuality, I think I'm a more serious than "let's go out and play a game" type person. I would rather have a deep, intellectual conversation with you then play a game with pretend darts. When one is nearing the age of 20 years old, playing pretend isn't as fun anymore unless you're with a two year old. That's different. But when you're with your peers, pretend is just not fun.

God has taught me this summer more than anything that I am called to love him with all my heart, soul, strength, and mind. I'm called to surrender all my idols to him and keep him in the center of my life. I've also learned that I'm supposed to invite others into this wonderful love affair with Jesus Christ. He has changed my life so much that I'm compelled to tell others about that changing love.

Tonight I tried to talk with someone about what God is doing in my life and how I'm so in love with him. The normal response would have been one of happiness and joy of how I'm growing in that. But instead I was basically told that what I was sharing about my life felt like it was being forced on the other person. I think this person thinks I talk about God too much, which I think is a little absurd. And then I remembered the verse in Luke that talks about sometimes we will stand alone when it comes to representing and taking a stand for God. Maybe I was too overwhelming and too much, but I also think that what I said was a very valid point and instead of thinking about it in light of their life, they pushed it away.

I titled this post "Miss UNsociable". I think I did that because, well, that's how I feel. Sometimes sitting by myself with God is so much more fun then having to be with people and try to fit in and struggle not to put on a mask. I want to be genuine with everyone I meet and there are very few people in my life with whom I can be that way. I would rather have five close friends who I can bear my soul to, then know one hundred peoples' names, but to whom I rarely talk.

God is calling me closer to him through all of this. He is showing me that my communication and relationship with him is what matters more than being accepted by people on this earth. Yes, I want those strong, Christ-centered friendships and I do have a few, two are with my parents, but I think those are what he wants me focusing on, not knowing entire campuses and knowing every one's name.

So yes, I may appear as unsociable to the world, but lately I have been VERY social with God. And really, that's all that matters.

This may have been a lot of rambling nonsense, but I needed to get it off my chest. Thanks for reading my ramblings.

May God Bless Tomorrow and all your days ahead.

Continuing With Life

So I'm back at college. Let me just say I'm very glad to be back. I really enjoyed working with the youth at my church this summer, but it was kind of a stressful situation. I'm just glad to be back in the good ole college town and being a simple college student.

Right off the bat since I've been back, God has been asking me to trust him with my money. I think out of all the things that I could trust him with, that's one of the hardest. But I have to remember that it's not my money to begin with and that all he asks is that I am a good steward of it. I'm hoping that when classes start and things start to pick up (like my job) that I can get on a budget and stick to it. I think that would really help me save and not just be an impulsive spender.

My roommate is not here yet; she won't arrive until tomorrow. I can't wait to meet her. My roommate from last year transferred to Union University in Tennessee, so I get to live with someone new this year. I think it will be really fun. I also know the girls who are my suite-maits and I'm super happy that there are going to be here. It will be so much fun.

I bought my books yesterday and the grand total came to $398.03. I wasn't too thrilled, but maybe I'll be able to sell a few from last semester and make a few dollars that way. I don't know. I did get one of my books from a friend for free, so that was a major blessing.

Before I left home to come back to college, I had been realizing more and more just how great and deep God's love is for me, for everyone. I've been focusing all summer on how God's relationship with me is supposed to be like a husband/wife relationship. God has been pursuing me and loving me forever and nothing on this earth could compare with his unfailing love. It's funny how a change of surroundings and people can sometimes cause you to doubt that. But his love doesn't change from state-to-state or from town-to-town. God will always love me no matter what. He desires that I would know him and love him more as well.

Well, I guess I'm going to head to lunch. We're getting ready for Welcome Week here at the college and we've been having lots of meetings and such. It's been fun. I can't wait for things to really begin tomorrow when all the students get here.

May God Bless your day and may you rest in him.
(P.S. Two months from today I will be 20 years old. Wow!!!)

Jana